Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Zilla Math Cell Phone

Bizarro is brought to you today by No One Zilla.

Today is a special presentation of Unusual Mail From Unusual Readers. The day after the Godzilla cartoon at left ran in the paper, I was copied on the following email, sent to the Tacoma News Tribune editor. The author allowed that I may post this letter here as long as I do not edit it in any way, including his "job title."

October 19, 2010

Dear Tacoma News Tribune Editors:

I would like to correct a misperception that Dan Piraro, creator of the
"Bizarro" comic panel, has introduced with his 10/18/10 panel. In it he shows a
Godzillan instructor before a blackboard on which the populations of Tokyo and
Wyoming are written (12,790,000 and 493,782, respectively), explaining to a
couple of lecture attendees that "As you can see, the caloric density of Tokyo
is more than two dozen times that of the entire state of Wyoming." While
technically correct, this vastly understates Tokyo's superiority as a homo
sapien meat source over Wyoming. Piraro has made the simple error of dividing
the two populations to obtain his "two dozen times" figure. Caloric density,
however, is a function of food source population divided by the food source's
geographical area. Tokyo covers 844 square miles while Wyoming covers 97,814
square miles, meaning that the caloric densities of Tokyo and Wyoming are 15,154
humans per square mile and 5 humans per square mile, respectively. Thus the
caloric density of Tokyo is more than 3,000 or 250 dozen times that of Wyoming,
not 24 or two dozen as Piraro states. For any species dependent in whole or
part on human flesh for its survival, that is a huge difference. (Why the
difference? Overconsumption of human stock in Wyoming by Tyrannosaurus Dick.)
I don't wish to unduly criticize Dan Piraro, who is a fine cartoonist, but I'm
sure that if Gary Larson were still covering the animal husbandry beat, this
error would not have crept into the pages of your newspaper. I hope you will
publish this letter to properly inform your readers of Tokyo's true magnificence
as a food source. To reassure readers unable to afford transoceanic passage to
Japan, I note that the caloric densities of Tacoma and Seattle are 4,107 and
6,799 humans per square mile, respectively. While Seattle-area metropolises
don't offer as calorie-abundant an environment as Tokyo, Seattleites' rich diet
of liberal hypocrisy, complacency, and arrogance make them some of the tastiest
eating on the planet.

Brett Landgraf
The Pink Nigger

His math is correct, of course, and I regret the error. Mr. Landgraf and I have corresponded on another occasion, which I will not post in its entirety here, in which he explained why he insists on being called "The Pink Nigger." His answer, paraphrased, is that his skin is pink (caucasian) and he is, at least in part, a slave to property and labor markets. My guess is that he is fiercely libertarian, but I could be wrong. Whatever his philosophy, I found his letter amusing and wanted to share. (Note: I'm not one to believe that words are taboo, only context. If I thought his use of "nigger" was meant to promote racism, I wouldn't have posted it here.)

On to the next cartoon: I thought of this gag when trapped in public on my cell phone during a difficult conversation. I wanted to scream but did not wish to abuse the others around me. And no, it was not a conversation with CHNW.

For today's blast from the Bizarro archives, click on the No One Zilla link in the first sentence of this post.

Cheers. (salutation, not sit-com)



Brian Malow said...

Dearest Dan,

Although Mr. Landgraf's attention to detail is admirable, I feel compelled to point out one other glaring factor that has not been taken into account by his equation that simply divides population by geographical area.

I'll leave it to others to track down the precise data, but I think we can be fairly certain that the average mass of a citizen of Wyoming is quite a bit larger than the average mass of a citizen of Tokyo.

So, rather than the respective populations per square mile, the information we need is the actual mass of human flesh (and therefore the total caloric content) per square mile.

This will bring the final solution back down - a little bit - perhaps dividing his answer by a factor of 1.2 to 1.6 (that's just a guess on my part).

Perhaps one of your multitude of fans would care to dig up the numbers we need? (avg. mass of a person in Tokyo and avg. mass of a person in Wyoming).

Respectfully submitted, your friend,
Brian Malow
The Science Comedian

BlueRaja said...

Using that logic you could say Tokyo, or even Wyoming, has greater caloric density than the entire planet.

Neil J Murphy said...

"I'm sure that if Gary Larson were still covering the animal husbandry beat, this error would not have crept into the pages of your newspaper."

Is Mr. Landgraf aware that Mr. Larson consistently drew bananas growing upside down?

Tommy said...

If you're that picky then you should also account for other animals that Godzilla might eat, so Wyoming most likely reduces the gap a bit.

I'm not sure the mutated Godzilla ate meat at all though, and apparently the American version ate fish.

Perkunas said...

As people around the world, become more and more obese, at least in the so-called developed nations, the overall caloric density of the planet will increase, which is good news, but there may be an increase in the centrifugal wobble of the Earth's axis, which may not be so good.

Hey Dan, would you please do a comic to illustrate what Casino Indians look like in their native costume?