Saturday, May 31, 2008

The Blog of the Lord

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the Santa Claus For Grownups Corporation.

I have no idea if the pope has a blog, but it is always interesting to me how organized religion can embrace modern ideas and technology, while keeping one foot so firmly planted in the dark ages.

The current Catholic Church still bans birth control of any kind and condemns homosexuality as a perversion. I'm too lazy to look it up, but it was only in the past few decades that the church officially admitted they were wrong in their persecution of Galileo when he dared to imply that the earth was not the center of the universe.

There are evangelical web sites teaching that the earth is 6000 years old, was created in its present form in 6 days, and that an invisible old man in the sky wants us to persecute everyone who isn't as loony as they are. The contradiction of using cutting-edge technology to espouse primitive ideas is delicious.

Not all ideas held by organized religion are primitive, of course. Some religions teach things like love, kindness, charity, forgiveness, justice. But wait, those things are naturally held to be virtues by virtually all people, non-believers included, so you can't really call them "religious" ideas. The only ideas that are unique to religion – invisible superheroes in the sky that can be called upon for everything from winning a war to finding a parking place, eternal life in a perfect world of constant ecstasy, eternal torture for bad guys– are as far-fetched as the Easter Bunny.

Note: I have no intent to offend those readers who believe in a higher power. Though I no longer believe in one, I have for most of my life and theism is clearly a somewhat natural state for humans, an almost irresistible idea. My disdain is not for those who believe, but those who use their beliefs to injure others.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Invisible Sex

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Illusory Liaisons Motel. Hourly rates available.

I like this cartoon a lot for reasons I'm not entirely sure of. As pathetic as it is, the combination of two imaginary relationships with low enough self-esteem to invent them double-crossing you is funny to me. The ultimate defeatist.

There may also be an autobiographical element in this one. I caught my first wife cheating on me and it led to a divorce and the most difficult year of my life. In the midst of that storm the anguish seemed it would never end, but twelve years later, the episode has no more hold on me than the memory of a bad bout of flu. A valuable lesson learned.

Now all my imaginary friends are eunuchs and CHNW won't let me have a make-believe girlfriend, so I'm safe on all fronts.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Slave Photos

Today's Bizarro is made possible by Human Arrogance. "We do it because we can. Deal with it."

The subject of this cartoon was suggested by my friends at PETA. New York City still has carriage horses stumbling through Central Park and these animals lead miserable lives. They live in concrete garages by night, on the streets among traffic by day. They never get a break until they are hit by a car and killed, which happens with sad regularity.

Some U.S. cities have outlawed this industry, as have London, Paris, Toronto, and even Beijing, and many people are trying to get the practice banned in New York City.

"But the sight of suffering horses pulling an old timey-time carriage is perdy," the tourists complain as they snap their pictures. "Buy a postcard," I reply, "Photoshop your gigantic selves into it, and let the horse have a life."

Animal abuse makes me cranky. We only do it because we can.

To be fair, I took carriage rides myself some years ago. I was so used to seeing these beautiful creatures moving through the streets that I took them for granted and assumed they were well cared for. Later in life, I began to see these situations through the animal's eyes and everything changed. They are slaves, pure and simple, and only treated well enough to keep them alive and working. No animal deserves that life, human or otherwise.

If you agree, here is a petition to ban carriages in NY.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Banjo-Playing Rooster!

Want to have a terrific day in the Catskills Mountains eating great food, playing with fluffy, happy animals and meeting your favorite cartoonist in the whole world? Then come to WOODSTOCK FARM ANIMAL SANCTUARY's JUNE JAMBOREE!

Seriously, it's lots of fun, it's for a good cause, and I'll be hanging out all day, painting faces or drawing caricatures or something like that. You'll love it, and your kids are guaranteed to have a great time – if you have kids and bring them, that is. (Kids you do not have are not guaranteed to have a great time, nor do you need to bring children to have a great time yourself. Without children, you can drink beer with impunity and use adult language indiscriminately.)

Saturday, June 14, 11am to 5pm (if it rains, it's the next day)
Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary, 35 Wagner Road, Willow NY 12495
More info here
Easy ways to get there without a car here.
Directions here
or call 845-679-5955

Clover!, the gravity-defying baby goat...
Albie!, NY's most famous bionic farm animal...
BEER! with cold, bubbly goodness...
Snacks and smoothies! from Karma Road Cafe...
Music! by roots n' reggae band, "Original Good"...
Elizabeth Mitchel & Daniel Littleton of "Ida" will play hip kids songs...
Salvatore LaRussa Dance Theatre will do some crazy dancing...
Dan Piraro
will be doing something or other...
The infamous CHNW will, too...

Admission is $10, kids under 12 free


Blackberry Crack

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Gaspingfore Air, a new airline for a new world.

After many years of normal cellphone use, my wife, CHNW, recently got one of those Blackberrys. I now see why they are called "Crackberrys." She used to be on the phone all the time, now she's checking emails and writing texts all the time. Sometimes she's talking on the house phone propped on her shoulder, while typing on the Crackberry in her hand. Thank god she doesn't drive.

One day soon, I hope to save up my allowance and get an iPhone. I like those better than Blackberrys because the keyboards are larger. Even though I'm a small guy with slender, artistic hands (shutup!) I can barely type on those tiny Blackberry buttons. How all those businessmen with big sausage fingers manage it, I'll never know. You might as well be trying to type an email with your chin.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Babe and Bumpkin

My good friend, Susan Weingartner, sent this photo to me today and I wanted to share it. Doesn't it look fabulous? She is a picture-takerer, or "photographer," as she insists on being called. Even though this pic of CHNW and I was taken at a brunch on a patio in Los Angeles, I call it "The Farm Boy's Wish Come True."

Bizzarro for District Attorney

A friend sent me this picture from I'm not sure where. What a great name, although I can't believe it will help her in her political career.

A guy who regularly reads this blog is named Nick Daddio. That's like, the coolest name ever, daddio.

Secret Symbols

If you've wondered about the anomalous symbols I put into my cartoons – alien, pie, eyeball, dynamite, etc. – I did a short interview about it in the Houston Chronicle recently. Don't miss the easy-to-miss list of word association answers to the right of the article.

Tattooing Kids

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by The Garfield Admiration Society of Greater Muncie.

The idea behind this cartoon was to show what would happen if kids could get tattoos. I'm not certain I did the best job of conveying the idea, but it was the best I could come up with.

People without tattoos frequently assume that people with them will one day regret their choice, as this guy obviously would, having gotten a Garfield tattoo as a kid. I think that is more true of people who get a single tattoo on a whim, especially when they are young. Or anyone who lets a bad artist attack them with a needle.

But those of us with numerous tattoos choose it as a lifestyle and simply accept it, knowing full well it can never be changed. You might regret the way a certain one turned out exactly, or wish something had been done a little differently, but those thoughts are minor and fleeting, the way one's dislike of the shape of ones toes might be.

I often hear people joking about how tattoos might look cool when you're young, but what will you look like in the old folks home? So many people under 40 have tattoos now that it won't be an oddity in their old age. I'm guessing wherever I end up, we'll be making fun of the geezer who doesn't have any droopy, indistinguishable tattoos.

If you're thinking of getting a tattoo, common wisdom dictates that you choose the image and tape it on your bathroom mirror for six months. If you still like it after seeing it a few times a day for half a year, you're likely to be okay with it as a tattoo.

Or, better still, drug someone and have him/her tattooed with your chosen design. Put it on their back so they don't know it's there. Remain friends with them for a couple of years and visit the beach with them often, so you can get regular glimpses of the ink. If you still like the way it looks on them after a couple of years, go for it.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Bodies of Knowledge

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by a small box of unknown contents.

Many years ago, a friend of mine got a job at a hospital doing routine cleaning and such. On her first day, she was sent into an operating room with instructions to mop the floor or something, only to find the head of a cadaver on a table, supposedly left over from a brain surgeon's practice session the night before. Instead of mopping the floor, she painted it with her breakfast and went home, never to return.

I've often wondered if I dedicated my body to science, if something I valued as much as my head would be left on a table to haze a new employee. I've since heard all kinds of stories of med students using cadaver parts for practical jokes. I suppose you can't blame them – it is probably a logical consequence of forcing yourself to be comfortable with things that are so averse to your nature, like handling dead body parts.

Has any really famous person ever donated their body to science? Can you imagine if someone as famous as Michael Jackson did? Would the cadaver be used for plastic surgeons to practice reattaching missing body parts, like his nose? Or would it be stolen and sold on the black market to some rich guy who just wanted it in his freezer to impress his friends? I suppose it could be taken on a tour of PTA meetings to warn parents what can happen if they give their children low self esteem.

Catman Snores Again

Today's Bizarro is made possible by a generous grant from the Dan Piraro Memorial Not-Yet-Dead Fund.

This cartoon is a bit more complex than my usual one-frame panel, so you'll want to click on the image to enlarge it for a better view. I intentionally added the dot screen to the header panel to resemble an old comic book. Now that I look at it , I should have added it to the whole comic.

Sometimes I am a doofus.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Bathroom Habits on Parade

A week ago today a group of my best buds from NYC and Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary and I were marching in a thing called the Veggie Pride Parade, carrying a thing we called "The Colon of Truth."

The parade was the first of its kind in NYC and we weren't sure what to expect. We figured there would be lots of people dressed as vegetables and farm animals (a habit I have personally never found appealing), so we wanted to try a different approach.

I'm not a big believer in the ability of parades to change anyone's mind about their lifestyle, but we wanted WFAS to have a presence. Small non-profit organizations depend heavily on people knowing they exist. For this reason, we wanted an attention-getting display of some kind, something that would be funny, edgy, true, and memorable. The Colon of Truth was just the ticket.

A meat-eating friend of ours, Matt Davis, actually suggested the idea of creating a meat-eater's colon, demonstrating some of the health hazards of eating corpses. Since I'm the one with the colored markers and glue gun, I was elected to design and build it, with the help of my assistant and CHNW. I did my research, of course, to make sure our claims were medically substantiated, otherwise it would not have been The Colon of Truth, but rather The Colon of Specious Claims or The Colon of Deliberately Misleading Propoganda.

The poop chute of verity worked like a charm and attracted all manner of attention, mainstream press included. Mentions and photos popped up here and there the next day. Woodstock Sanctuary's co-founder, Jenny Brown, was quoted in the New York Daily News.(Along with people dressed as vegetables.) Doug Abel, the other co-founder, and I appear in a video on New York Magazine's website. (Most notable about the video is my frank talk about my bathroom habits. No idea what's with the artificially nasally tone of my voice here. I sound consitpated.)

I'd also like to mention that the woman in the video who says "most vegetarians are almost teetotalers" is not hanging out with the right vegetarians. Virtually all of the ones I know drink. Not as much as I do, of course, but enough to have police records and prison tattoos.

At right, my assistant, Mo Wyse, and I slaving feverishly over the colon in my Brooklyn living room.

Below, The Colon Of Truth, in all its glory, as carried by our local posse of vegans. CHNW is at the extreme left with her colon-colored hair, and yours truly is in the red plaid. Much to my chagrin, I'd forgotten my hat that day.

Yes, that was a pile of paper turds weighing down the bottom of the colostomy bag. As you know from reading my cartoons, I value realism.

Human Extinction

Here is a twenty-minute video by Mark Bittman, food critic for the NYTimes, best-selling cookbook author, and NOT a vegetarian. This is a presentation he made recently about the history of American eating and farming in the past hundred years, and how it relates to politics, health, and the extinction of the human race. It is smart, authoritative, not fanatical, utterly true and easily substantiated.

The info in this video will be in the news more in the coming years and major changes for all of us are ahead, whether we like it or not. Watch it now in an easy-to-digest manner so you'll know what's happening when the sh*t hits the fan.

Let's Get Googly

Bizarro is brought to you by Hi Fli Ping Pong Ball Manufacturing Corporation of Beijing.

Has anyone every studied what percentage of ping balls purchased each year are used for things other than the actual game? How many are purchased by muppet makers? How many are dangling from the ceiling of garages to tell people when to stop their car? How many have been crushed, painted glossy black, and sold as prunes?

Italian Spiderman

As a man who is Italian and admires spiders, I must bring you this amazing film about Italian Spiderman.

Amazing Photosynth

Check out this phenomenal demonstration of new technology. This could change so many important things about visual information on the web, the mind reels.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Theist-Man vs. Atheist-Man

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by invisible superheroes in the sky.

Judging by the emails I got on this one, it appealed to theists and atheists alike, which doesn't surprise me. Psychology studies consistently show that in virtually any situation, people (think they) see what they want/expect to see in most cases.

An atheist I heard from liked this cartoon because he thought it was comparing praying to invisible superheroes in the sky to asking a Magic Eight Ball for advice
-- a Christian I heard from wanted to incorporate this cartoon in one of her lesson plans at church. I gathered her theme was about not treating God like a Magic Eight Ball.

However you look at it, humans are a superstitious species. It's what happens when you combine our form of inventive intelligence with evolution's tendancy to produce animals who see "something where there is nothing," as opposed to "nothing where there is something." For instance, it's much safer to see patterns and causes in everything than in nothing, that way you're more likely to mistake a shadow for a predator, rather than a predator for a shadow, which could prove fatal.

Just a theory, of course. It could be that an invisible superhero in the sky created everything in six days, and all we know of science is a cruel joke by His archenemy, Devil-Man.

I report, you decide.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Super Phallus

Bizarro is brought to you today by a guy with a station wagon who wasn't doing anything this morning and just wanted to help out.

I got a letter from a lawyer type about this cartoon. He said you can't copyright a name, so it would actually be trademark infringement. As soon as I read his email I remembered having heard that before, so I should have known better. I hate being inaccurate. It makes me seem so, I don't know…mortal.

Surprisingly, I received no comments about the phallic nature of Bat Man's costume, however.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

You Breed, They Feed

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by the American Association of Absent Parents.

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a fan of humans as a species and think there are already far too many of us on the planet. In fact, I advocate vasectomies for all males above the age of 16. Radical? Yes. Likely? No.

Obviously, humans will continue to breed indiscriminately, like all other species, not for any grand or noble purpose, but because we are genetically programmed to believe it is the second most important goal of life, next to survival. Given that fact, I can't blame people for wanting kids, but I can grouse about it in cartoons.

My beef in this cartoon, however, is more specifically with those who exercise their "right" to breed but not their "obligation" to raise the little tyke themselves. It wasn't always easy, but I raised my own daughters, along with their mother, and it paid off. Their mother and I are no longer speaking, but my kids, now adults, are terrific little citizens whom you will not be seeing heading to jail on a DUI charge, or leading our country into an endless war based on lies.

For the record, CHNW is childless and is dedicated to staying that way, and I've been the proud owner of a vasectomy for five years. For those of you offended by my comments about not breeding in spite of the fact that I have two children of my own, you may be happy to hear I intend to kill them both, compost them, and plant some trees.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


It was a big weekend for CHNW and me. We attended two events for animal issues, both of which were stinking to high heaven with celebs. One was the yearly fund-raising gala for Farm Sanctuary, whom CHNW and I have supported for many years. (Not to be confused with Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary, on whose board we sit. Same mission, different locations.)

The other event was a book party for a terrific new book about how we treat animals as a society. The nice thing about this book is that it presents and entertaining, pop-culture look at issues that are normally difficult to deal with, so most people never learn about. Give it a try.

Here are some pictorial highlights from the fun and freakiness.

Here I am with the beautiful and brilliant Emily Deschanel, star of Bones on TNT. I get to meet a lot of very cool folks through the animal rights movement that I would normally not have a chance to. A nice fringe benefit of a good cause.

Emily is quite a bit taller than I and was gracious enough to get on her knees for this shot.

I'm so excited to see my old friend, Dennis Kucinich, the most interesting politician in Washington. (photo by Derek Goodwin)

He was happy to see me, too, and posed with me and my Crazy Half-Nekked Wife, Ashley, who was fully dressed for the occasion.

The keener observers among you will notice that CHNW died her hair bright pink last week. I told you she was crazy.

Here I am with Susie Essman, best known for her hilarious portrayal of an incredible bitch on Curb Your Enthusiasm. In person, a total sweetheart.

I was thrilled to see one of my longtime favorites, Swoosie Kurtz. Her role as an eye-patched nutbag on ABC's Pushing Daisies is classic. She's been working in TV and film almost non-stop since the 60s.

These fabulous femmes are Rory Freedman, author of the NYTimes Best-Seller, Skinny Bitch, and Heather Mills. Don't believe the nonsense you read in the papers about Heather, she's a peach and a tireless activist for the downtrodden. And don't believe the rumors about Rory not being totally in love with me.

Who doesn't love Kevin Nealon? He's smart and funny, which is two of the top three things I look for in a person. (The third being an outstretched hand with cash.) He is angry in this photo because I wouldn't let him have my dessert from Vegan Treats.

Persia White, of TV's Girlfriends, is a regular at all the animal rights events I've ever attended. She even remembers our names and says hi to us!

I caught and photographed CHNW attacking former Duke of Hazzard John Schneider, in case I need it in court.

In retaliation, I attacked him too.
Take that, CHNW!

Black Cloud

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the political party that is supposed to be good for the economy.

This idea came in part from my buddy Phil, a budding cartoonist in his own right. He and I have had a pretty good number of collaborative efforts in the past year or so.

I write 90% or more of my comics, but I'm always willing to look at other people's ideas. Fresh perspective is important if you've got to write a cartoon a day, for life. I've been doing this without break since 1985. As I type that it makes me a little nauseous.

Monday, May 19, 2008

More Chins Than...

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Asian Laundry Services International.

This joke was suggested to me by a friend who is a very big dude and likes to kid himself about it. Thanks, Derek.

I got a few emails asking if the guy in the lower right corner is supposed to be me. Yes, it is, and yes, this regular habit of mine is something of an homage to Hitchcock. When I was young, my dad showed me how Alfred would appear momentarily in the early scenes of his movies, which instantly became my favorite thing to watch for. I put myself and CHNW in my cartoons all the time, but only folks who know us or read this blog realize it's us.

One reader asked if that was tofu I'm eating. I'm not a huge fan of tofu, but I do eat it from time to time. Whatever it is, it certainly is not meat. Although it is a cartoon, and animals are rarely harmed in the production of cartoon meat.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Satan's Toolshed

(Click on image to enlarge)

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the National Association of Independent Contractors, aka "Slackers With Tools."

I don't often praise my own cartoons but when this one came to me I couldn't scribble it down fast enough.

CHNW and I bought a place in Brooklyn four years ago and immediately started saving our money for a new kitchen. Last year we got estimates, had enough money, and decided to go with a contractor who came highly recommended by a friend. He said it would take "x" amount of money and 8 to 10 weeks. That was 9 months ago, and although he just finished the job, he has yet to come remove the rest of his tools. So far we've paid him "3x" and he thinks we owe him more. The Taj Mahal took less time and money than this kitchen.

On top of all this, the giant slab of stone-like crap the counter tops are made of is completely the wrong color, and there is a court battle between he and the counter top guy over whose fault it is.

I'm certain there are responsible contractors out there, but from the stories we've heard from friends, and our own experiences with the Kitchen Mahal, I think many are guys who don't want bosses, don't like responsibility, like to keep their own schedule (i.e. work half a day, smoke pot for three days, go to the beach, work half a day, disappear into the mountains for a week, etc.) who have a bunch of extra tools and large, brass balls.

If this project doesn't end in a murder/suicide, it will be a miracle.

This was the title panel from the cartoon. According to millions of American fundamentalists, this is a historically accurate portrayal of the origin of species. This image may well be used in the "science" classes of home-schooled kids all across the nation.

This is the 21st century, right?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Name Your Poison

Today's Bizarro cartoon comes to you courtesy of The Internets.

I have two daughters, but if I'd had a son, I desperately wanted to name him "Popeye." What boy wouldn't want to be named Popeye? I'd have loved it. But, alas, their mother was a ball-buster and I gave in to her naming choices: Krelspeth and Krapuzar. Hence the "K2" in many of my cartoons. (in this one, on the water pitcher)

I'm friends with a breeding couple – her last name is Lortz, his last name is Lutz (no kidding) – and they had a baby boy. I pleaded with them to name him Lars Lortz-Lutz, but they resisted.

I'm against human reproduction of any kind, because the last thing this planet needs is more arrogant consumers and the misery and pollution that we cause. But if you insist on producing crotch fruit, please consider giving it a humorous name. It is character-building for the child and makes the world a funnier place.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Mixed Marriage Mayhem

Today's Bizarro is funded in part by a grant from the Consortium of Horse's Asses.

I can't remember ever doing a cartoon about centaurs before, so this may be my first. There may be more to come, it's a character that definitely seems to have more possibilities. I've been fooling with an idea for a cartoon about a centaur birth, simply because I like the idea of a screaming infant on the body of a foal. Haven't come up with a joke for it yet, though.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A Buzkill Of Vegans

Rob Cottingham wrote in a comment on my Theological Humor post that he was thrilled that I linked to his "anger" image. I'm guessing he means the pic linked to the words "piss me off," but I can't be totally sure. He left me a link to his cartoon blog site and I found the above cartoon, which I think is hilarious. It's exactly the sort of thing me and my vegan friends would ask and it made me laugh out loud. Thanks, Rob.

Bike to Work

I'm told today is Bike To Work Day. I'm an avid cyclist and ride several times each week around my 'hood of Brooklyn, NY. I live in a two-story apartment with my bedroom downstairs and my work space upstairs. I thought about riding to work today but was daunted by the stairs. (Right, me and my Pedersen)

Riding a bike is good for your health, for the environment, for traffic reduction, for everything. Do it regularly for short errands, going to work, hitting the pool hall, anything where you don't have to carry a whole lot of stuff with you. You'll be glad you did. If you have to drag your kids around with you everywhere, get them a trailer or teach them to ride. If you're worried about getting hit by a car, get a shovel and some asphalt and build bike trails all over your town. If you're worried about getting wet when it rains, build a giant transparent bubble around your bike.

With good old-fashioned American ingenuity, we can do this.

Chess Gangsters

Bizarro appears today courtesy of Paramount Studios. Soon to be (satirizing) a major motion picture starring Jim Carrey or Keanu Reeves or somebody like that.

If you're one of the millions of Americans who cannot decide which is more riveting, playing chess or watching gangster movies, this cartoon is probably already clipped out and on your fridge. For those of you unacquainted with either, these two chess pieces – called a "knight" and a "bishop"– are reenacting an iconic scene from Francis Ford Coppola's classic, "The Godfather."

Seriously, if you needed me to tell you that, you might need a tutor or something.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Theological Humor

Bizarro is made possible in part by a grant from the E. Madge Anarie Foundation for Religious Studies.

When I wrote this cartoon, I wasn't certain how people would interpret it. When I write a cartoon, I have no way of knowing for sure whether most people will get the joke, of course, and I suspected this one would be open to various interpretations.

Surprisingly, I got no mail about this from "believers," but a number of emails from atheists who loved it and were happy to see their point of view presented in the mainstream media.

However you take this cartoon, I think it's an interesting idea. If God is only in the minds of humans, how is he looking at the sign? If He actually exists and someone did this to Him as a joke, why does it make Him mad?

Because I frequently use traditional Bible themes in my cartoons like Heaven, Hell, the Garden of Eden, Noah's Ark, etc., people often ask me what my beliefs are. Some Christians suspect I am one of them, while others have chided me for making fun of their faith. Atheists have assailed me for using mainstream media to promote Christian mythology, others have assumed I'm in their camp.

My own beliefs or lack thereof aside, the reason I use Bible themes so much is simply because humor often comes from common knowledge. Bible stories are a veritable library of common knowledge, most of which has to do with human nature, and is therefore an incredibly rich vein from which to mine humor.

Even though I don't go out of my way to piss people off, I've always thought that as long as I'm making somebody mad, I must be doing something right. My 7th grade art teacher, Judith Miller of Tulsa, Oklahoma, told me on the first day of school that the worst reaction you can give an artist is none.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Cue Balls and Grass Hats

Today's Bizarro is made possible by Green Pate, the all natural, environmentally friendly hair replacement therapy.

As a guy who has less hair than he did when he graduated high school – and certainly less than he'd like to – I can honestly say I've never looked into the various forms of hair replacement and would never wear a toupe for any reason other than Halloween.

It isn't that I'm not vain, I am, and if I was a woman I'd surely feel differently, but I just don't feel I have the time or money to chase something as frivolous as new hair. Besides, men with less than a full head of hair are hardly an object of scorn or ridicule in today's world. In fact, shaving your head completely bald is considered cool for the first time since ancient Egypt. Which is good, because I think thin hair is less attractive than total baldness and I plan to join the Cue Ball Army when mine finally becomes transparent enough on top.

All that aside, if there was a simple, inexpensive way to grow plants on my head I might do it. A nice small-leaf ground cover or some furry, velvety green moss might look really cool. And what better way to show you're on board with the whole "green movement"? If you want something longer you could go with a vine like Wandering Jew. Come to think of it, what if Hasidim had Wandering Jew vines in place of those long curly sideburns? (peyes)

I could dig it. (Pun intended)

A while back someone sent me some directions on how to grow grass and moss on your walls indoors. If I can find that email, I'm totally doing that in my living room. Who knows, maybe I'll pioneer a way to make one I can wear around. A grass hat.

Just Say No

Another reason I'm vegan.

Coast Hopping

Today's Bizarro (title panel at left, full cartoon below) is brought to you two days late by Jet Lag Industries. "Stay in bed until noon. You deserve it!"

Haven't posted in several days because I've been out in Californy since Friday and I just got back late last night. The comedy show at The Rio in Santa Cruz on Friday night went wonderfully–good show, met a lot of nice folks in the lobby, sold some books and trading cards, no casualties and very little collateral damage. Saturday, I lept out of bed at dawn, drove to San Jose, flew to Los Angeles, then drove up to Encino to MC the main stage at an all-day festival in a park. By the end of the day I was beat.

But somehow I made it to Sunday and took the day off. Slept late, had brunch at Real Food Daily, walked and rode bikes up and down the beach with CHNW and a friend of ours, took a nap, then had dinner at Madeleine Bistro, one of our favorite restaurants in the country. Lovely weather, lovely company, lovely weekend.

Monday was spent in airports and airline seats, so let's not talk about it.

This cartoon is based on my own experiences in a band many years ago, and the many musicians I have met since. Like all areas of the popular arts, most talented musicians must grovel to make ends meet as they watch wave after wave of mediocre talents make millions because they had the right look, the right agent, an uncle in the Mafia, etc. Many are magnanimous, but surely some are bitter enough to have written a song like this one.

The guitar in this cartoon is my own Gibson ES-137, which I love more than my own son. (All right, I don't have a son, but I like the guitar a lot.)

Click on the cartoon for an enlarged version. Click on the blue words for a humorous experience.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Fox in the Henhouse

Bizarro is a syndicated cartoon appearing daily in something less than a million markets worldwide, and comes to you in electronic form by way of a culmination of thousands of years of inventions.

I love this cartoon, even though the premise is not mine. This idea came from my good friend, Michael Capozzola, who writes and draws "Cheap City," the weekly feature in the San Francisco Chronicle's weekend guide book thing. (I can never remember what it's called: Entertainment Guide? Left Coast Living? Your Weekend on a Bun? SF Doorway?) Regardless, it's a terrific feature and this is a terrific premise so I snapped it up as soon as he offered it.

I got two emails about this one within the first few hours of the day it ran. One from a reader who loved it, another from a reader who thought there was enough "violence against adults by out of control children" without my going out of my way to glorify it.

If that reader intended to say that Fox, as a corporation, is contributing to a crueler, more painful world, I agree wholeheartedly strictly on the merits of Fox News Channel alone. But I don't think that's what she was saying. I suspect she fears she lives in a world where wild teenagers use comics like mine as an excuse to commit heinous acts they would not otherwise consider. God help us all if she is even fractionally right.

I use the term "god help us" euphemistically, of course.

By the way, you're clicking on all these blue words to see the funny pictures, right?

Tiger Bait Part 2

A reader just told me he thinks the San Francisco Chronicle didn't run my tiger cartoon on 4/30/08, presumably because it was too close to home. The SF zoo was where the tiger attack happened, so I can't say I blame them.

Another reader mentioned in the comments that he doesn't believe zoos are good things but if you're going to have them, the animals should not be able to get out of their enclosures just because they are stimulated. He goes on to say the zoo officials failed both the public and the tiger in allowing this to happen. I agree wholeheartedly.

A third reader pointed out that many people believe that Roy (of Sigfried &...) had a stroke on stage and that the tiger was dragging him to safety, as she would her young. This jives with the facts of the story and animal experts tend to agree that if he had been "attacked," he would have been injured far worse. I said the tiger "ate" Roy for comic effect, but I didn't mean it. If the tiger had wanted to eat Roy, there would have been much less of Roy left to take to the hospital.

I don't believe in imprisoning any animal for the benefit of another, so zoos and circuses are at the top of my list of offenders. Along with Seaworld and the like. I believe captivity is as painful for virtually all other creatures as it is for humans, most acutely birds and mammals because of their level of intelligence. Personally, I'd rather be dead than spend my life in jail.

Sorry for the lack of humor, just wanted to clarify.

Irony Illustrated

These photos are from India, where you call to get tech support.

Chainsaw Massacre

Today's Bizarro is brought to you in spectacular Panavision.

As a person who has never in his life had the courage to introduce himself to a beautiful woman in a public place, all women might as well be carrying chainsaws. Thankfully, my wife has no such fears and started our first conversation.

Inexplicably, I have no qualms about speaking publicly or performing. But talking one-on-one to a stranger, especially with the intent of "hooking up," makes me more nervous than checking an angry stray dog for ticks.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Saturday In The Park With Piraro

This Saturday I'll be in Los Angeles all damn day hosting an outdoor festival thing called Worldfest. It will be both fun and funny. Please drop by and say hello. If you mention to me that you saw this blog, I will give you an invisible, weightless bowling ball. I'll even autograph it if you want. CHNW will be there, too, so this is your chance to meet the lettuce bikini goddess in person!

As usual, I'll be selling books and trading cards. These first packs of trading cards will be collector's items, don't forget.

Click on the poster image for a larger, legible version!

A Bizarre B&B

Recently, CHNW and I spent a few days at a very cool new B&B in Hollywood, CA, called Hollywood Bed & Breakfast. It's run by a cool couple who call themselves William and Nina, and is entirely renovated and decorated by their own four hands. To say this place is visually unique is an understatement.

Ever surface of every room of the house is painted, mosaicked, or in some other way adorned in an unusual fashion. The photo below is the front door, which is only one small snippet of the odd concoction of styles inside. Even though it is visually exotic, the whole house is very comfortable, the pool area is gorgeous, and the location is terrific: corner of Orange Grove Ave. and Hollywood Blvd. behind a huge fence and lots of greenery.

The B&B business is brand new, we were their first guests, in fact, so chalk this up under "undiscovered gems." Contact them via email or go here.

Tell them Dan and his Crazy Half-Nekked Wife sent you.

Tiger Bait

Bizarro is a subsidiary of Human Endeavors Amalgamated. Please enjoy responsibly.

This cartoon is an example of one of those rare occasions when I didn't feel I needed to exaggerate reality.

Not long ago, some idiots were taunting a tiger at a zoo and the clever cat jumped out and attacked them. What strikes me as sad about a story like this is that innocent animals are kept in prisons so jackasses can gawk at and taunt them. Like when Roy was eaten by a tiger in his magic show in Las Vegas a few years back, I always root for the unwilling participant in these episodes.

The tiger in the zoo story was, of course, shot and killed, which is the usual sentence for any animal that finally cracks under human pressure.

It isn't hard to imagine that, given the chance, the mangled nitwits from the zoo episode would return to the enclosure to taunt the cat again. If humans weren't so damned good at avoiding natural selection, we wouldn't have so many of these types around. Most would be eaten by tigers before given the chance to reproduce.