San Fran Comedy

A good friend of mine and a damn funny/smart comedian, Brian Malow, is doing a show at the San Francisco Punch Line next week, you should go see it if you're in the area. He kills, as they say in the business.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Punch Line Comedy Club, San Francisco
Tickets can be got here for less than the cost of a cheap Halloween wig.

Catching Up

Bizarro is brought to you today by Before and After.

Gosh dern, it's good to be getting caught up with the blog posts. Much to discuss, let's get started.

Our first cartoon today is another collaboration between my friend and colleague, Wayno. We kicked this one around quite a bit before deciding on this approach. Here's Wayno's account of the whole story. I remain mystified by people's obsessions with virtual lives as opposed to their own. I've never done any of these kinds of things and am, frankly, afraid of them. They tap into some natural tendency of humans or they wouldn't be so popular. I stay away from them because I'm pretty sure I'd be hooked and not get anything done in the real world. It's the same reason I've never owned any video gaming system. Too tempting. Surfing the web is addictive enough.

Next stop, weight loss. Almost all of us could maintain a healthy weight if we ate natural foods and exercised, but it's just too tempting to eat delicious, readily-accessible, inexpensive junk food and watch TV instead of exercise. I fall prey to this, too, in my vegan way. It's the world we live in, waddyagonnado?

The early hands-free phone is an idea from my friend Michael Capozzola. It's an opportunity for a fun pic. Check out some of Capo's stand-up comedy. His routine on "cougars" is terrific.

These last two gags are about females who eat their mates and a male that probably should have been eaten long ago. Hope you get a smile.

As soon as I get some pics and video of my shows in Tulsa, I'll share them here. They both went really well and were more-or-less sold out. Always fun to do comedy in the hometown. One show included a Piraro impersonator.

Many Cartoons

Today's whopper-sized Bizarro post is brought to you by Children As Food.

Lots to take care of today, I've fallen behind on posting cartoons. As I've mentioned within these electronic walls enough times to cause you to cough up your spleen, I have some shows in Tulsa later this week. This means I must get five days ahead on deadlines which takes 15 days of working double time. I have no idea why it works out that way, but that's cartoon math for you. Just when you think you've solved the equation, a safe falls on your head.

If you are in the Tulsa area, come to one or both of my shows this week, please. You won't regret it. I won't let you. If I see you shuffling off after the show with a look of regret on your face, I'll hit you with my dad's car.

Two to choose from:
Thursday, Nov 18, Philbrook Museum, 6pm-7:30, I'll be discussing my cartoon career, fine art, comedy shows, and playing a few original songs. Q & A to follow. Free with admission to museum.

Friday, Nov 19, Tulsa Elks Lodge, 8pm, a full-on comedy show with cartoons, stand-up, audience participation, onstage drawing, six original songs with backup musicians. $10, goes to charity.

Not sure if I'll be able to post again this week, but I'll try to do it once before I leave. I'd love to be do a post about the Great Garfield Veteran's Day Scandal of 2010, for instance, and talk about how that same thing has happened to me on a couple of occasions. I'll do it if I have time, for sure.

Back to the humor dungeon. Hope to see you in Tulsa.

Homeward and Bound

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ageless Heroism.

I'm busy as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs this week as I try to get ahead on deadlines for my big trip next week to the land of milk and honey, Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Next week, on Thursday and Friday, I'm doing a couple of events in my hometown as well as speaking to a few classes of art students at my old high school, visiting family and old friends, and breaking into pharmacies in the middle of the night. I've found it's even cheaper than ordering drugs from Canada.

It's a fun visit, but can be emotionally taxing. My family is great, no problems there (except for my brother's wife who drinks constantly and inevitably pulls me into a closet at my parent's house and tries to make out with me) but seeing how the old stomping grounds and its inhabitants have changed is a challenge.

"Oh look, that's where the Pagoda Palace used to be, where I took my prom date for an exotic Chinese dinner. Now it's 1/85 of a parking lot for Walmart."

"Oh, look, there is a girl I dated in high school, now she's a greeter at Walmart, a born-again Christian and has 16 children and counting."

"And who's that guy sitting in the front row of my talk at the museum? He looks a little like the father of Kurt, a kid I rode bikes with in junior high school. Oh, that's actually him – do I look that much like my dad did in 1971? I remember Kurt cheating off my paper in math class because he wasn't very smart. Right after college, he came up with some Internet thing, sold it for millions and hasn't worked in 29 years. Will you help me kill him?"

But the good outweighs the bad and I'm really looking forward to it. The breaking news this week is that my Dad, Fred Piraro, is going to be opening for me at the Elk's Lodge show. He'll be warming up the crowd with a few of his comedy stylings, then introducing me. He's done this kind of thing for me before and he's very good at it. He doesn't have any formal experience as a stand-up comic, but if you get a couple drinks into most old Sicilian guys, they pretty much become the life of any party. Or strangle someone with a piano wire. (We're keeping him away from the piano that night.)

Hope to see you there.

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Bird Parts

Bizarro is brought to you today by Talent!

America's Got Talons is one of my favorite gags in a long time. Like my great aunt Wynona, it isn't deep, but it makes me laugh. And once again, I didn't write it, though I wish I had. This one comes from my good friend and fellow cartoonist/stand-up comic, Michael Capozzola. He's as big a fan of these competition reality shows as I am. That is to say, he'd rather die than have to watch one. That has nothing to do with this cartoon, but I just wanted to hammer another nail into that post. (strange metaphor, probably won't every use it again)

The next item on today's menu is the duck gag. I've spent some time on a shrink's couch (only figuratively, I've never seen an actual psychiatrist, just psychologists, and I've never had one that wanted me to lie down, somewhat to my disappointment) and none of them have been ducks. But if they were, I imagine they might say something like this and I would be surprised and maybe giggle a bit. Hence, a cartoon. I hope you like it and if you didn't, please don't leave a mean comment on this post because my therapist says I'm fragile right now.

Speaking of hammering more nails in an already victimized post, (I broke my own promise not to use that metaphor again, must mention this to my therapist) if you live in Oklahoma or know anyone who does, please come to (or have them go to) one or both of my performances in Tulsa in a couple of weeks. Boy, it's going to be fun. If you don't know what I'm talking about see these two posts: Thursday, Nov 18, and Friday, Nov 19. The shows are different, so see them both!


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THE BIG TULSA SHOW!

(Click the poster above for more bigness!)

Folks, it's finally happened! My performing career has reached such a fever pitch that I will be headlining at the Tulsa Elks Lodge! Can anything stop me now?

I'll be in Tulsa for two different types of show, on two subsequent nights, this is the second one, as closer inspection of this blog will show. The show the night before will be at Philbrook Art Museum, and different than this one. Click here.

This Elks show is different in these ways:
1. MORE and different stand-up comedy and cartoons. And some slightly more adult humor.
2. A special V.I.P party beforehand, for people with a few extra bucks (to charity) and a misguided desire to meet me in person in a smaller room.
3. MORE songs than on the previous night, with talented backup musicians. NONE have EVER been performed in public.*
4. ALL the money goes to charity. You can spend a few bucks, have a great time, then pretend you went out of your way to do something nice for someone!
5. You will want to attend BOTH shows, compare and contrast.

Come and see me, laugh, meet me, get some signed cartoon books for holiday gifts, take pictures, create a memory that will last for an undetermined amount of time. This year, I'm looking forward to spending the week before Thanksgiving with YOU!

Ticket info here.

*Except one



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THE BIG TULSA TALK!

As you can see from the poster above (click it to see it huge and legibly) I'll be appearing at Philbrook Museum of Art in my hometown of Tulsa soon! I'll be doing a bit of a hybrid sort of presentation with some stand-up comedy, lots of my favorite cartoons on the big screen, a discussion of my fine art, and an overview of my 25-year career as a cartoonist. And, most exciting and terrifying of all, I'll be performing a few of my original songs with talented musicians. Not comedy songs – songs about death and depression and hard drinking and sin. It will be FUN!

The next night I'll be doing a different kind of show, also in Tulsa, see the next post for that info. You'll want to be at BOTH of them! Trust me.

I'll be answering questions and signing books and whatever afterward, so this is your big chance to rub elbows with me and pretend I'm a celebrity. I'll help by dressing funny, like celebrities usually do. We can take a picture together and you can use it on your Christmas card. (No Hanukkah cards, please.*)

For more info, go to the Philbrook web site. http://www.philbrook.org/

*Kidding, of course. You can put me on whatever card you want.**

**Just a small sampling of some of the sort of politically incorrect humor I am likely to employ!

Cuss Bus Pink

Bizarro is brought to you today by Intimacy.

I was at the Ohio State University Festival of Cartoon Art over the weekend and my oh my what a dandy it was. They do this thing every three years, there are only about 250 tickets sold, and the majority of attendees are cartoonists and serious collectors and aficionados. Also in attendance were Matt Groening, Art Spiegelman, Bill Griffith, Roz Chast, Patrick McDonnell, James Sturm, Jen Sorensen, Jan Eliot, Dave Kellett, Tom Gammill, Tony Cochran, and Steve Breen. I'm sure I forgot someone, please forgive me. It was a great honor to be able to tipple with some of my heroes, particularly Groening, Spiegelman, Griffith and Chast – all four are legends of intelligent humor, something that is always in danger of extinction in this reality-show, increasingly lowbrow world.

About this passel of cartoons I've posted today to catch up: "Adult Spelling Bee" is an idea I originally published in the 90s, I think. I came across it in my archives while looking for something else and thought it was a good idea and could be done better with a little tweaking, so I rewrote it a bit and redrew it.

Because I'm compiling cartoons for my super hero collection coming out in the spring, I'm still writing super hero gags. The one about the bus is a fantasy I've had many times. I loathe sitting next to strangers on public transportation, especially talkative ones, and will do almost anything to avoid it. I'm a friendly guy, but I can't stand small talk and think few things are worse than sitting next to a chatty traveler on a long flight.





The Mothman cartoon was a collaboration with my young teenage friend, Victor. It's colored that sickening pink because it was part of a breast cancer awareness project that King Features sponsored. All of King's cartoonists were asked to color their comics pink on Sunday, October 10. They asked me to do the poster for it. I'm not a fan of cancer research and don't like supporting it monetarily because a lot of that money goes toward torturing lab animals. If humans ate vegan diets there would be substantially less cancer, but rather than inconvenience ourselves or stop doing something we enjoy, we torture and kill millions of innocent beings every year in an attempt to find ways to survive eating the wrong foods. In spite of my objections, I participated in this project because it doesn't give money to the cause directly, but mostly reminds people to get screenings so they can catch it early. Just my take on it, whatever.

Thanks to Victor for his help on Mothman, I may recolor it for the book. The pink kind of turns my stomach.

WILL FRANKEN SATURDAY IN L.A.

Since my last recommendation that you folks go to see Will Franken worked out so well for so many of you in the SF Bay Area, here's another recommendation for those of you in Los Angeles:

WILL FRANKEN
FULL-ON THEATRICAL ONE-MAN SHOW!!!! LIGHTS, SOUNDS, EVERY-MFING-THING
THEATRE ASYLUM
6320 SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9th (JOHN LENNON'S BIRTHDAY)
8pm IN THE EVENING TIME!
$15 ($5 off with password "FRIEND")

Buy the tickets online:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/130151

Just as before, you're going to want to see this guy before you die, preferably this Saturday. I guarantee he's like no other performer you've seen. Here's a clip with a warning:

THIS CLIP CONTAINS CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT MATTER AND WORDS YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LIKE YOU TO USE. VIEWER DISCRETION AND VOLUME CONTROL ADVISED.

Crime and Sniffing

Bizarro is brought to you today by Other Cool Guys With Hats.

Good lord, this is a busy week at Bizarro International Headquarters. I'm doing a comedy set at Caroline's on Broadway tomorrow night, then Thursday is my birthday (hit "Donate" button at right, send money), then Friday night I'm one of the judges at Literary Death Match (a really unusual show full of improv, you'll likey), then Saturday morning I have to bounce (the young people use this word to mean "go") up to Woodstock Sanctuary to MC our annual Thanksliving dinner on Sunday.

Maybe this don't sound so busy to youse guys, but I normally work 8 or 10 hours each day, seven days a week to get all the crap done that is necessary to keep Bizarro Headquarters afloat. As they say in Alabama, I'm as busy as a racist at a hip-hop festival.

I usually celebrate my birthday each year by dressing like a hobo and hanging around the grounds of the governor's mansion, but this year I'm going to ignore it entirely and stay home. CHNW will likely make my favorite dinner (salt soup!) and we'll watch reruns of Hogan's Heroes. Ja wohl!

To come see me at Caroline's, click here for info.
To come see me at Literary Death Match, click here for info.
To see me at Woodstock Sanctuary, click here but it's sold out so sorry.

The bummer is that this weekend is also the New York Comic Con, which I'd like to drop into but probably won't have time.

Lastly, the old cartoon from my archives today is one that appeared when most people only saw my cartoons in actual newspapers. It doesn't work so well on the Interwebs, but feel free to lick your finger and try it. My favorite part is the last headline on the bottom of the front page. Click the image to read it more big.

COMEDY SHOW

Have you waited all your life to see me do stand-up at Caroline's on Broadway? If so, tomorrow night, Wednesday, October 6, 2010, 9:30pm is your big fat chance. Details below, see you there.

SHOW INFO

Insider tip: ** Make advanced reservations - 212-757-4100 - with code "CHEAT" for super duper cheap tickets **

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LITERARY DEATH MATCH

If you've not been to a Literary Death Match event, you should go, they're lots of fun. A number of professional authors get up and read a short passage from one of their works, then three semi-celebrity judges comment on their work, their performance and whatever else comes to mind.

One such event is taking place on October 8th in NYC and I'll be the judge handling "whatever else comes to mind." The point is comedy and the result is funny. Be there, enjoy it, talk about it for the rest of your life.

Where: Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery, (between Bleecker and Houston) map
When: Doors open at 7 pm, show starts at 7:30 (sharp), afterparty at Von (on Bleecker)

Cost: $10 at the door, $7 pre-order.

(Super Secret P.S.: if you come to the event and whisper the password into the bouncer's ear, I'll give you a free package of Bizarro Trading Cards!) Password: Lick my neck

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Elevator Toast Music

Bizarro is brought to you today by Friendly Mailboxes.

Thanks is due today to Brian Levy of somewhere, U.S.A., for sending me an email last summer suggesting I do a cartoon about that thing where people push the elevator button a bunch of times, as though it would make the box come faster. I don't remember Brian's exact take on this but I decided to go with a guy who takes the concept seriously. It made me smile.

Next up is the melba toast factory, another collaboration with my good friend, Wayno. He correctly points out on his blog that smaller bread and toasters would be both more realistic and funnier. I agree completely, but err on the side of safety in these matters because in many markets, my cartoons print the size of a business card. I'm not kidding. It's a wonder anybody bothers to read comics in those kinds of papers.

Part of the problem is that newspapers aren't doing well financially and need to reduce the amount of space they use on things that cost money (comics, columnists, games) as opposed to make money (advertising), and another part is that most cartoonists don't draw in a manner that needs to be viewed any larger than a postage stamp, so newspapers don't think much of shrinking the comics.

In other news: The benefit concert last weekend at Woodstock Sanctuary went really well. Moby did a charming and intimate acoustic set with a couple of amazingly talented singers, and Kelli Scarr was typically brilliant as the opening act. To conclude the evening, we showed the avante gard film, The Red Balloon, as Moby joined Mercury Rev Clear Light Ensemble improvising music to the images. It was trippy, dude.

Today's trivia: At Woodstock sanctuary, we have a huge, white, bushy, deaf cat named Moby, after the whale. Moby, the singer, is also named after the whale because he is related to Herman Melville. Moby the singer, is also white but not huge, bushy or deaf.

Woodstock Concert

It's a day of SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS. Apparently.

We have another of our stellar, outdoor, under the sky, above the ground, on the lawn, intimate concerts coming up this weekend at Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary. CHNW and I hope to see you there!

Yo, check it. Word to your mother.













All proceeds go to feed and care for the sanctuary animals.

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Freaks

Bizarro is brought to you today by Nut-Gathering Robots.

I'm proud to present to you today one of my favorite cartoons in ages. The 21st Century Freakshow is brilliant, and I can say that without fear of immodesty because I didn't write it. (Damn!) I think I did a good job of drawing it (be sure to click it to see the larger version) but the original idea and sketch, pretty much in this form, came from my brilliant friend, colleague, and occasional collaborator, Wayno. I hate his guts. And I love him for donating this idea to Bizarro. He's a mensch.

The first state fair I ever attended was in Tulsa, Oklahoma around 1972 or so and back then they still had the old-school freak shows which consisted mostly of deformed people in cheap costumes. The "Abominable Snowman" was a guy with elephantitis of the feet, wearing a fake-fur caveman outfit and holding a big club. The "Alligator Girl" was a very old woman in a bikini whose entire body was covered in a scaly skin disorder of some kind. They sat all day in a plywood cubicle sort of thing inside a tent and you paid your money and went up and looked over the wall to see them. The look on their faces could be described as zombiesque and who could blame them? It's also worth noting that one of the attractions was invariably "The Fat Lady." At the time, a 300 lbs. woman was a rare sight, but they were no bigger than the average Walmart shopper of today.

Though still not to my taste, the freak shows of today are much more interesting, for my money. They are primarily people who do really weird things, like picking up a Buick by connecting a chain to the loop in their pierced tongue, or someone who has tattooed their entire body with all 44 presidents of The United States. I'm glad the old freak shows are gone, but I'm also glad I got to see one before they disappeared. I'm not sure why, just one of those odd experiences that one can appreciate in retrospect. At the time, however, I found it sad and haunting.

Speaking of freaks, next up is this gorilla cartoon which probably isn't all that funny to non-vegan folks. When you tell people you don't eat any animal products, the first question they often ask is "where do you get your protein?" The idea that humans need mounds of bloody animal protein to be strong and healthy is medically untrue; a myth perpetuated by the meat and dairy industries. There is plenty enough protein in plants to be healthy and strong, as any of the many huge, strong herbivores can attest: gorillas, rhinos, giraffes, cattle, etc. Children raised on vegan diets (after they finish their own mother's milk, of course) are many times less likely to develop most of your big diseases like cancers, diabetes, heart disease, obesity, etc. And they grow just as tall (but not as wide) as their burger-eating peers.

Don't forget to tell your NY area friends to come to The Steam Powered Hour on Sunday night where I'll be doing some music and comedy. Empty rooms are not good for comedy.

Music Comedy

Oh yeah, Oh yeah...

I'm doing a variety show thing in NYC this coming Sunday night, September 19, 2010. There will be music and comedy by several performers, two of whom will be me. I'll do a ten-minute set of comedy, then later in the show I'll be performing one of my original songs (not a comedy song) about Brooklyn. It's called "Brooklyn."

The show is hosted by my buddy, Matthew Diffee, famed cartoonist of The New Yorker and fellow former Texan. Please come by if you're in the area, please send your area friends if you're not.

Tickets are $10 at the door or $7 in advance at www.nuyorican.org TICKETS AND INFO

September 19th 7:00pm
Nuyorican Poets Cafe
236 E. 3rd Street (between ave B and C)
New York, NY

Hope to see you there.


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Earth Hat

Bizarro is brought to you today by Vegan Chicken Strips.

Just got back from my two comedy things in Santa Rosa, California, home of the Charles Schulz Museum and am happy to report they both went well and we had a great time. Thanks to those of you who came to the shows, it was fun meeting you. (Except for you, Hoyt. Never contact me again.)

The first cartoon shown here is a take on the cliche, "Let me through I'm a doctor" deal. In this case, the cartoony-looking guy has slipped on a banana peel and only a cartoonist will do. In my continuing habit of honoring Alfred Hitchcock, I appear as the cartoonist. My good friend and colleague, Wayno, came up with this idea. We had different ideas about this cartoon which we didn't discover until I published it and we got to chatting. He explains here why his original victim was a wealthy dandy, whereas I always think of the fallen slapstick victim as a blue-collar dude, like the moving guy who gets crushed by the piano.

This second cartoon is fairly odd even for me, which is what I like about it. I often notice bored couples in restaurants who seem not to say a word during their entire dining experience, even while waiting for the food. CHNW talks so much (even when she's alone) that I doubt that will ever happen to us. It always makes me sad to see this, but I could be assuming too much. Maybe they're as happy as anyone else, they just don't like to gab about it all the time.

Cartoon three is from the archives of Bizarro Headquarters. Keith Rust is an actual friend of mine. I didn't choose him for any particular reason, just thought he'd be a good subject for this gag. This is the sort of classically surreal gag that I really love and don't come up with nearly often enough.

More tomorrow, don't be late!

Ant Vamps

Bizarro is brought to you today by Wrong Babysitter.

This is the second ant cartoon I've done in the past couple of weeks. A friend of mine said, "Do an ant cartoon," and I started thinking about it. Maybe I'll come up with more, dunno.

While researching pictures of ants online, I saw these ones with the big scary jaws and that's what gave me the idea of adding vampire fangs. Not very scary.


Today's dusty mummy cartoon from the archive is from 1998. For those of you who are familiar with the laws of perspective, you'll enjoy this view from the advanced principles course.

Finally, I'm on my way to the San Francisco Bay Area for a couple of appearances (I'll be at the Schulz Museum Saturday from 1pm to 4:30pm) so I won't be posting again until next Tuesday, Sept 14. Hope to see you then.

By the way, I'll be doing a short comedy set and singing an original song at a dandy variety show in NYC on Sunday, Sept 19th. If you're in the area, drop by, golldernit. Famed cartoonist from The New Yorker, Matthew Diffee, will be backing me up on banjo. For reals.

The Steam Powered Hour
Sept 19th, 7 pm
at the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe
236 East 3rd St.
between Ave B and C
212-505-8183

Tickets haven't gone on sale yet, I'll announce it again next week with a link.
Have a great weekend.


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Sort of a Comedy Show!

Quick announcement:
I'm going to be appearing at the Schulz Museum in Santa Rosa California on Saturday afternoon, Sept 11, 2010. I'll be joining a metric buttload of other cartoonists from 1pm to 3pm for a sketch-a-thon, which means we sit behind tables and draw stuff for free or sign books or whatever, and then at 3:30pm, I'm doing a talk in the auditorium. It'll be fun, funny and FREE. Hope to see some of youse there.

P.S. Tell them you found out about it on this blog and it will be even MORE free.

WORD TO YOUR MOTHER

Fun For You and Me

Here are some things I wanted to tell you about my side project: Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary.

We have another dandy concert coming up at the farm. A few weeks back, Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders was there, this time it's Sean Lennon (spawn of John and Yoko) and Charlotte Kemp Muhl, who call themselves Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger. The farm is about 2 hours north of NYC, just outside of Woodstock, NY, easy to get to by bus from Port Authority, easy to find by car or helicopter.

These concerts are extremely intimate, only a couple of hundred tickets are allowed to be sold, so it's a great way to see an artist up-close while relaxing on the lawn. Other notable artists are opening the show, check out info and tickets here. CHNW and I hope to see you there!

Next, each year various reader-voted awards are given out by VegNews magazine, for whom I used to write a monthly column. I'd like to encourage you to go online and vote for Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary as "best animal sanctuary" or whatever the category is called. You have to vote for at least 50% of the categories for your vote to count, so here are a few more nominees that are supporters of our efforts at WFAS if you'd like to help out with them, too. Vote here.

Look for Girlie Girl Army, The Discerning Brute, Crazy Sexy Life, MooShoes, Vegan Treats, Blossom Restaurant, Arbonne Cosmetics, Organic Nectars, Isa Chandra Moskowitz (Post Punk Kitchen), Sunflour Baking Company (cookies) and Mercy For Animals in other categories. Hope I didn't forget anyone but I bet I did.

Thanks, blogolians!