Kindergarten Lesson

A brilliant, funny, short article by Bill Maher can be found by clicking this link.

.

Wind Spitting

(To see these cartoons bigger, click them. To find this McDonalds cartoon on fine merch, click here.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Childhood Dreams.

Today we have two cartoons about clowns. One from now and one from 1997.

I'm one of those people who think that clowns are creepy as hell. I've never found graphic representations or photos of clowns creepy, just the live version, the person dressed like a psycho getting in your face and trying to make you laugh. Even as a child I instinctively did not trust people in costumes. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, clowns, you name it. I couldn't help but think that if they meant me no harm they would not be concealing their identity. It's as simple as that.

Ronald McDonald is perhaps the most malevolent clown of all. The fact that the sort of worldwide cruelty and destruction that the McDonald's corporation is responsible for is represented by a clown is like something from a horror movie. They guy owns thousands of things called slaughter houses, for one thing. "Slaughter" isn't a funny word. I wont' go into a lot of detail, but the animal cruelty, environmental destruction and international health crises that are wrought by cheap hamburgers and chicken parts is a holocaust. I know it's the way the world works and it will not likely ever change, I'm just saying it sends chills down my spine.

I drew the McDonalds cartoon shortly after CHNW and I spent the night in an emergency room when she was hit by a NYC cab. Hospital ERs are not fun to draw because they are either incredibly spare and dull, like the doorway I've drawn here, or incredibly complex, like the rest of the rooms full of gadgets and equipment. It's a no-win for an artist.










"Fopah the Clown" is a weird little story about politically correct language. I don't remember why I wrote it or what I was thinking, but I've never been a fan of PC language in general. After seeing it evolve over the past 30+ years, I think it is a great way to act like we're doing something to end discrimination without really doing anything. Seems to be little more than lip service.

I could be wrong and probably am. I'm just one man spitting into the wind on a blog, as usual. Please come back and watch me spit some more next week.

Hope the rest of your weekend is like this.

.

Halloween, Idiots, Teeth

Bizarro is brought to you today by Teeth.

I hope everyone had a dandy Halloween weekend. CHNW and I stayed home and watched scary movies. If you ever want to see a movie that will absolutely make your blood run cold and afraid to be alone after dark for the rest of your life, find one other than 1959's House on Haunted Hill, starring Vincent Price. If, on the other hand, you want to get stoned and laugh your buttocks off, this might be just the right choice.

I love old movies (and new movies, too, I'm not some weird gay guy still living with his mother, after all) and it always amazes me what passed for scary in olden times. Part of my problem is probably that I don't believe in anything supernatural – ghosts, demons, magic, spirits, etc. – so I never fall for those kinds of stories. The only movies I find "scary" are films about murderers or whatever. Things that could actually happen to me. I can't bear slasher or torture movies at all.

When I was a teenager, however, it was different. During my brief few years as a fundamentalist "teen for Jesus" type, I firmly believed in the devil and demons, so movies like The Exorcist scared the crap out of me. Almost as much as the prospect of President Sarah Palin does now, for instance. Oh yeah, it's election day, I have to go vote. You should go vote, too, unless you're superstitious and think that gays, Mexicans and socialists are trying to take over America. Then maybe you should skip it.

Let the angry comments begin!

By the way, the "idiot" joke above was a collaboration between me and my good friend, Wayno. Here's his post on how it morphed as we discussed it.

Halloween

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pumpkin
Abuse.

It is Halloween weekend and if I were a 10-year-old child I'd be getting my costume ready for trick-or-treating. But since I am ancient and my sciatica is acting up, I'll probably stay in with my nurse and have her rub liniment on my lower back. Did I mention my nurse is a 24-year-old student from Sweden?

A few years ago, I started doing "Scariest Halloween Costumes of (year)" Sunday cartoons and have kept that tradition. Here today are all of them since 2007 when I began.

(click the cartoon images for a biggerer view)
As you can see, the first one is graphically fairly simple in comparison to what I did in later years. In this one I referred to global warming, the lead toys from China scandal, NFL quarterback Michael Vick's dog fighting problems, more about the environment with the over-zealous breeders, and the consistently abhorrent anti-role models, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Strangely, I got the most hate mail about the population crisis. Many fundamentalist Christians took exception to my contradiction of their lord's instructions to "be fruitful and multiply." I still contend He was talking about practicing your math skills.

In '08, an election year, I touched on the collapsing economy and blamed it on the Republicans, which everyone but a die-hard Republican would agree with. I also hit the TV writer's strike, which has pretty much been forgotten by now. I expected hate mail about the drunken elephant and got some.

2009 brought the term "Zombie bank" into the popular lexicon, which was a natural for this. It was also the year Kanye West made an ass of himself at the MTV awards (or whatever it was), Michael Jackson died, and Fox and it's minions funded and organized the faux grass-roots protests about health care reform. I got hate mail about the health care reform aspect on this one, of course.

This year's cartoon does not touch on political events at all, though there were plenty of easy targets. The Fox News funded and organized, faux grass-roots Tea Baggers would have been an obvious choice but American politics have become so incredible incendiary and stupid that I no longer bother to editorialize. (Except here on this blog.) I've decided that such things do nothing to change anyone's mind and amid the current epidemic of idiocy, I might get tarred and feathered or lynched. Still, I think the three topics I chose are funny, especially the little Jesse James Nazi kid with his toy chopper bike. Although Jay Leno stealing candy from a baby makes me smile, too. I can't imagine what hate mail I could get from this one but I'm often surprised. I'll keep you updated.

Have fun on Halloween this year and be safe. Unless being safe ruins your fun, in which case you should just go for it. What's a few less humans on a crowded planet?

Samson Drugs Teabagger

Bizarro is brought to you today by Elections.

We've all had a good time the last few days discussing our various beliefs about science, diet and cancer, but now it's time to get down to something serious: comedy.

What could be more blissful and relaxing than living in a pharmaceutical ad? You feel no anxiety, you don't have to pee, you can get an erection any time the mood strikes and you can eat like a pig without worrying about your cholesterol. Of course, there are encyclopedias of terrifying side effects to consider, but those are only represented in the dulcet tones of the voice over. Nothing bad ever happens in a pharmaceutical ad. Count me in!

Less euphoric is the world of luggage transportation. Even with the unbelievably recent addition of wheels (we've had luggage and the wheel for tens of thousands of years and it was the late 20th century before anyone thought to combine them!) one still has to schlep one's luggage up and down stairs, into cars, over curbs, onto the scales at the airport, etc. If I'm traveling with the full 49.9 lbs suitcase, I always return with a backache. One would think the legendary strongman, Samson, would be immune to such human weakness, but along comes Samsonite.

Speaking of catastrophe, I'm trying hard not to worry about the elections in a couple of weeks. I know that Americans will just hand the country back over to the party that took eight years to ruin it because the current party couldn't fix it in two years. It's a done deal. So I'm telling myself ahead of time that it's already happened, things will get worse, humans are a deeply flawed species, someday I'll die and none of it will matter.

Maybe I'll be surprised and American voters in sufficient numbers will just say no to Fox News, but I think that's unlikely so we might as well have some fun with it and elect a Mr. T impersonator or a masturbation-opposing witch. As long as you're destined to listen to morons on the news for x number of years, you might as well go for the craziest ones possible. That's entertainment!

Another comedy post tomorrow, I hope to see your eyes peering through the computer screen again then, except for those of you who are big fans of Fox News and swear me off for good.

Conspiracies

Bizarro is brought to you today by Conspiracy Theories.

This cartoon got some angry letters from readers who believe that 9/11 was an inside job and felt I was making fun of them. Most of the letters were polite and chided me for being uniformed about the various holes in the "official" story and included links to prove their case. I've seen most of these sites before but viewed them again so I could be totally, totally informed.

I don't mean to insult any of you who believe this, but here is my position, for what it's worth. I have no doubt that Cheney and Bush (word order intentional) would have done such a thing if they could. But considering their utter failure at everything else they touched, I find it inconceivable that they could have pulled off a mission so huge and complex without everything going wrong. First, a lot of people would have had to be in the loop and history tells us that people are not good at keeping secrets; someone would have come forward by now with irrefutable evidence, not just conjecture. Second, you can find holes in every story, true or not. The human brain is irresistibly drawn to conspiracy theories, it's part of our evolutionary nature to study events, construct a story and draw conclusions. Different people come to different conclusions, but they can't all be true. As it turns out, the simplest explanation is usually correct. Bin Laden is the simplest explanation here, by far.

The Bush administration was clearly guilty of ignoring repeated warnings about the attack beforehand and using it as a tool to frighten the nation into attacking a country that had nothing to do with it. And we all know how well that worked out for the U.S. They used 9/11 in the most unscrupulous way imaginable to get what they had been wanting for years and that alone is enough to put them in jail forever. But I don't think they orchestrated it. I think it was Bin Laden. Just my opinion, we all have one.

As I said, most of the letters were polite but here is one that falls into some other category. I found it amusing, I hope you do, too. It appears here in its entirety, except for the signature.

THIS PAST WEEK ?NOT SO FUNNY BUT ALSO A LIE : "BUSH DIDN'T
DO 911 ... "MEANING ? HE DID , OR HE DID NOT ?AND YOU KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE >? BUSH DID NINE ELEVEN AND TWELVE AND 2 WARS ? I
REALLY LIKE THE BIZARRO COMIC , BUT I DID NOT GET THIS ONE ... SHAME ON YOU AND OUR GOVERNMENT FROM 2001 TO 2008 , AND THE LITTLE BOYS STILL COVERING IT UP ... I AM 76 YRS OLD AND DO NOT LIKE JOKES LIKE THAT . THIS /THAT WAS A" FALSE FLAG ATTACK ". MAY THE TALIBAN KICK PETRAEUS AS AND THEN YOURS .. I KNOW HEARST IS A RAG PAPER : I AM JUST ABOUT TO WRITE TO SCARPETTA,(PATRICIA CORNWELL ) PAGE 158 CHAPTER
10 ... BERGER LOOKS OUT HER WINDOW AND SEES FLIGHT 11 CRASH INTO WTC.
THEN THE SECOND PLANE HIT ... NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
FN PLANE CRASHED INTO ANY BUILDING ... CHECK OUT THE STATISTICS AT TRANSPORTATION DEPT (KNOWN HAS RITA ) DEPARTURES ,, FLIGHTS 11,175,77,
93 ? FLEW ON 9/10 , AND WERE PENCILLED IN HAS FLYING ON 9/11/2001
(MISSING THE TAIL NUMBERS AND DEPARTURE TIME ...

I responded to the other emails, but not this one. I don't actually speak this man's language and I couldn't be certain he has a translator available.

ON A DIFFERENT TOPIC:
Hey, kids. A reader just told me that somebody posted some random clips from my Baloney Show on Funny or Die. Please go to that site and vote "funny." I'm too young to die.

Thanks!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d0d4a60502/the-bizarro-baloney-show-by-dan-piraro

Devlish Pundit

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Face of Fear.

Although I admit that I think Glenn Beck is a dangerous lunatic, I didn't see this cartoon as particularly partisan. Mostly, it is just meant to describe Beck as someone who believes in The Devil and would debate him if he could. Both of which I'd guess are true. And most readers did not take offense or I would have gotten more complaints. As it is, I only received one comment on this cartoon and I'm not sure it was even a complaint, per se. It follows, in its entirety, minus the signature.

"I like Bizarro in my daily newspaper. I like Glenn Beck better."

I assume this person thought this cartoon was vaguely offensive to Beck, but I'm not sure in what way. If you're a follower of Beck's and believe him to be a sensible person in control of his mental faculties, what would be offensive about this? I can't see it. Perhaps it is the fact that this cartoon is only actually humorous to those of us who see him as insane and fans of his find this notion offensive in and of itself. Which I suppose I can understand.

For readers who like both Bizarro and Beck, I hope I haven't lost you on this. I've given up on hoping that anything I say or do will ever contribute to sensible politics on planet Earth, I'm just resigned to trying to make people laugh, make a living and sleep indoors. The overwhelming majority of my cartoons are not political so there's still plenty to enjoy.

Dead Like Me

Bizarro is brought to you today by a Man With A Big Heart.

This gag was given to me by my good friend and fellow cartoonist, Michael Capozzola, author of Surveillance Caricatures in the San Francisco Chronicle, stand-up comedian, actor, play-on-words expert.

The older I get the less I like going to doctors. I've never enjoyed it, lord knows, but lately I've begun thinking what is really the point at all?

I've never been one to run to the doc for a cold or flu, they can't do anything for you anyway, it's just a needless expense. I have found over the years that if I fight my way through the occasional sickness with ibuprofen and good nutrition, I get sick much less often than my friends who are hooked on antibiotics. The fact that I eat a healthy vegan diet (as opposed to an unhealthy vegan diet full of sugar and high-fructose corn syrup and fried foods) and exercise moderately leaves me much less vulnerable to most "big" diseases, but even if I come down with one, chances are I won't be able to pay for the treatment.

I don't have health insurance because the insurance industry's number one job is to find a way not to pay back the tens of thousands that you've paid them over the years. It is quite literally their business model. I used to have it but came to see it as a false sense of security: even if you get sick or injured, chances are they will find a way to disqualify you. Then you're sick and frustrated with the unmistakable feeling that you've been screwed. Since I'm self employed there is no one to pay for part of mine, so it's like another mortgage payment each month to carry even bare-bones catastrophic.

So I've gotten used to the idea that as long as I live in the U.S. if I get really sick, I'll just die. I won't care after I'm dead, any more than I care what I'm missing when I'm asleep. Quality of life is more important to me than quantity, so I do what I can to keep myself healthy and if I get unlucky anyway, so be it. I'd rather die at home (or at my own hands if it gets too painful) than in a hospital hooked to machinery and leaving my family bankrupt or with a huge insurance company battle on their hands.

I know this isn't conventional and doesn't make sense to most people, but it's my choice. To hell with doctors, insurance companies and our corrupt health care system; I'm tired of buying yachts for others. We've known it sucks for a long time and we refuse to fix it.

For now, my motto: Eat right, exercise, die like a human. Of course, my tune might change if I get diagnosed with something wicked. It's easy to talk this way when you're still healthy.

Weird and Wonderful

(Click on the cartoon for a larger, prettier version)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Cast of "Wicked".

Every now and then a cartoon pops into my head and I instantly know it's good. I usually smile and jot it down quickly then take the rest of the day off drinking champagne on my yacht off the coast of Monaco. This was such a cartoon. The theme and caption are so ripe, so low-hanging that I still can't believe something like this one hasn't been done before. It probably has.

Someone wrote to me and asked if I was referring to a specific politician or circumstance, but of course I was not. This cartoon says a lot about most of the people who get into politics, especially at the upper levels. Not all, mind you, but the overwhelming majority (in my opinion). If you have a favorite politician that you really believe in, just tell yourself I'm not referring to him or her.

On another topic, yesterday I was driving through Manhattan and saw a woman crossing the street about a half block ahead. She was about 5' 3", thin, and was wearing a lime green, tight-fitting, sleeveless, short-shorts-jumpsuit sort of thing. Kind of like a one-piece swimsuit. She had a bright yellow, wide belt and was carrying a bright pink purse which matched her high heel shoes. The sides of her head were shaved bald with a patch of hair on top like a beret, which had been died the same bright yellow as her belt. She also had quite a few earrings. At first I thought, "There's an unusual looking young woman," but when I passed her I saw that she was likely in her 70s. (A glimpse of CHNW's future?)

I love that about New York. If I hadn't been riding my motorcycle, I would have whipped out my phone and grabbed a picture.

Have a dandy holiday weekend, American readers.

Smells

Bizarro is brought to you today by A Good Read.

As many of my readers know, I'm not a fan of many of America's anti-smoking laws and I can honestly say that I'd hold the same opinion even if I didn't smoke. Quite frankly, blanket bans on public smoking verge on fascism. It proposes no health risk whatsoever to smell someone's cigarette, cigar or pipe as it wafts by in an unenclosed space. None. You could smell smoke in a public park every day for a thousand years and not get cancer. Tobacco smoke is not cyanide gas.

Allowing merchants to ban smoking in their establishment is fine. But to ban it in all buildings, regardless of the preferences of the owner, manager, or patrons is ridiculous. Why can't a bar owner in NYC decide for himself if he wants to allow smoking? No one is required to be in a bar. Proponents of these laws say that it exposes the employees to a health risk. First, the health risk of breathing second-hand smoke on the job is negligible, far less than eating meat and dairy. Second, no one is required to work there.

In California (and some other places) you can't smoke within 25 feet of a building. For those of you outside of California, this isn't a joke, they're actually protecting the health of bricks and masonry. This law is clearly nothing more than a vendetta against a habit that some people find unappealing.

There are plenty of habits I find unappealing, if I can get enough people behind me, does it make sense in a free society to ban them? I love music but hearing music that I did not choose to listen to at that moment bugs the crap out of me, for instance: In cars, stores, restaurants, taxis, nightclubs, you name it. Nine times out of ten it is something I do not have on my iPod and I can honestly say that it annoys me as much as smelling smoke annoys other people. I'm sure there are other people who feel the same way, shall we outlaw all music that is audible to more than the person who chose to play it?

I don't like ugly clothing or hairstyles, either. Let's ban them in all public buildings and within 25 feet of doorways. And in public parks and on beaches, too. Soda pop and junk food also disgust me and are as clear a long-term health risk as is smoking. Out you go. And don't get me started about some people's accents. A nasally southern twang makes me want to jump in front of a train.

I'm guessing that most people don't share my view and some may claim democracy and say the majority wins. But that's not really what a free society is about. It means we're all free to do what we choose if it isn't injuring others. An odor we find unpleasant isn't really injury, it's momentary inconvenience, as it is with music, ugly hairdos and twangy nose-talkers.

Mind you, I don't think smoking bans will ever be repealed, I'm just whining.

Fancy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Superstition.

Here are two cartoons again, since I'm still playing catchup. The first one means nothing, I just wanted to play with the term "fancy pants." Lately I've been playing with comics that are just silly, not particularly clever or witty. It's fun sometimes.

The next cartoon is about politics in general and wasn't really meant as a defense of Obama per se, but it was taken that way by at least one angry genius. Here is the email I received from him:

It must be hard to write a comic strip while holding obama's PECKER in your mouth. I don't remember you taking up for bush. Maybe you should make a comic about a hypocrite cartoonist who can't leave politics out of the funny papers. Never mind, you already do that. Idiot.

And my response:
Thanks for the note. You're right, I never took up for Bush, he was a retarded cowboy who could scarcely finish a sentence, much less lead a country. Obama is a brilliant man with a great deal of dignity, compassion, and respect for our constitution. Though I don't agree with many of his policies, at least he is not utterly destroying America at home and abroad, as "W" most certainly did. Not a matter of opinion, a matter of historical record.

By the way, I'm not required to leave politics out of the funny papers. You seem confused about that point, as well as the meaning of the word "hypocrite."

I rarely answer emails like this one in anger, but this guy seemed to need a slap in the face. I know he didn't care but it made me feel better to write it. I'm only human.

Airport Monkey Business

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hair at First Sight.

This cartoon was inspired by the laughable system of security that we have adopted at U.S. airports since 9/11. I've long thought that it was designed primarily to create an "appearance" of safety so as to calm travelers and a couple of airline pilots I've spoken to in recent years confirmed that. A couple of weeks ago, while a small bottle of distilled water that I was carrying to keep my cigars humidified was confiscated by security, the guy who put a car bomb in Times Square was allowed to board a plane unmolested. He was on the No Fly List and was sought by every law enforcement agency in the free world, but at least he didn't have a bottle of water.

If you fly as much as I do, you cannot help but just shake your head at the idiotic structure of the T.S.A. I'm convinced that the only reason a plane hasn't been victimized since 9/11 is because nobody with any brains has tried very hard. One of the pilots I referenced above told me they consider T.S.A. to stand for "thousands standing around."

On to lighter subjects, here's a look at the old "a million monkeys typing" theory. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed finishing it and moving to the couch for a nap.

Prehistoric Diplomacy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Prehistory.

I'm happy to say that this was a very popular cartoon, judging by the mail I received. I thought of it as a purely visual gag but as it developed, it became a nice statement about the way different people think. Some of us try to solve problems with cooperation, logic, shared information and common interests, others want to use a hammer. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from there, political and otherwise. One could easily see this as a cartoon about foreign policy, of course.

Cutting it short today, it's 80 degrees and sunny in Brooklyn and CHNW and I are hopping on the motorbike and heading to Coney Island. Not for the roller coaster or freakshows, but the ride out and back will be grand. Hope things are sunny and freaky where you are.

Smart Apes

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ebony and Ivory.

Is there nothing to see here? Really?

One might have thought that there was nothing much left of racism in America until recently. Racism is a very primitive impulse, at one time in our distant past, it was beneficial to distrust those not from your "tribe." And while most of us have evolved to see the foolishness in that kind of thinking in modern society, there are still plenty of us who operate from the primitive parts of our brains. This kind of grunting, chest-beating throwback to our hairier ancestors rises and falls throughout history and so I suspect that this current wave, too, shall pass. Let's hope no serious casualties result in the meantime.

I often wish that "intelligent design" were true, so that our species might behave more intelligently.

This cartoon has nothing to do with racism, of course, it's just been on my mind lately. Tomorrow, a funnier post.

Laws of Nature and Beyond

Bizarro is brought to you today by Better Living Through Force.

I haven't much to say about this GPS cartoon other than I hope everyone understood it. The idea was that the GPS led them to a cliff above their destination, then instructed them to drive off the edge. It seemed funny when I thought of it, but I'm not sure about the final result. I like GPSs but I don't like the voice. I prefer to just use the map part, like the one on my phone, and find my own way. I don't trust the robot voice to always know the best way.

At long last I am back in front of my computer where I belong. I went to Florida this past weekend with CHNW. I was hired to do a speech for a humanist group down there, the Center For Inquiry folks, and had a great time. Good people, smart questions, laughed a lot, took me to lunch after. What's not to like?

After the talk on Saturday, CHNW, her dad and I drove to an interesting little place called Ybor City where we hit some shops and had a beer. In old timey times there was a big cigar factory there where hundreds of people hand-rolled cigars all day. The tradition continues as there are cigar shops all over the place and a few people sitting in storefront windows rolling away. If you're into cigars, this is a real treat.

This pic at left was taken with my iPhone and I think it turned out pretty swell.

Even if you're not into cigars, it is strange to see so many smoke-friendly establishments within
the borders of our law-infested land. Smoking is so uniformly despised in the U.S., even outdoors, that walking down 7th Street in Ybor City feels more like Cuba than Florida. I often get chastised by friends and fans for smoking cigars, but I try to be considerate. I usually smoke at home and never smoke around crowds of any kind unless I'm walking quickly. I figure if my passing by with a cigar is enough to set someone off, they need more help than anti-smoking laws can give them.

Lots of things annoy me momentarily in public – bad music, mullets, cologne, confederate flags, cigarettes(they smell very different from cigars because they are crap tobacco and full of chemicals), people wearing fur, the smell of someone's fastfood, people who talk too loud on cell phones, defenders of Dick Cheney, the way everyone but me drives – but I just figure that's the price of leaving my house.

I cannot imagine a society in which we legislate against everything that briefly annoys someone. This encyclopedia of signs at a playground in Sarasota springs to mind. Looks like fun, doesn't it?

The New West

Bizarro is brought to you today by Safety.

For those readers who have not visited a state in which it is legal to carry concealed weapons, this is a sign that you see with some regularity. It is alarming to people like me, who are not used to seeing this kind of thing.

CHNW (my Crazy Half-Nekked Wife) was visiting family in South Dakota recently and we were chatting via cell phone one day while she was out shopping. She read a sign like this one to me as she was entering a store and I offhandedly asked if there was a pile of guns next to the door. Hence, the cartoon.

I don't usually get cartoon ideas from real life situations since most of my cartoons are more surreal than reality. But in this case, not much exaggeration is needed to make this surreal. If I lived in a community in which a lot of people were toting guns, I'd likely be tempted to get a gun to protect myself from all the guns. Seems like a slippery slope.

Without getting too political, if you look around the world at countries where guns are plentiful and unregulated, it is hard to find one you'd even want to visit, much less live in.

Civil War

(To make it a bigger picture, click the right femur of the character in the red shirt.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Smatmobile.

I loved the Smart car the very first time I saw one in Europe in the late 90s. I tend to like small, unusual vehicles of any kind , so it's pretty much made for people like me. I haven't owned a car since I moved to NYC, but if I did, this would be one I would consider. Although I should say I know nothing about the quality of the car, I just like the size and look of it. It may be crap, for all I know. (And in any case, I prefer motorcycles and scooters over cars.)

I think one of the most interesting things about the Smart car is, however, that it evokes anger in certain people. I have personally heard several say they would like to crush them or flip them over. I have felt similar hatred for SUVs, but it is because they are a kind of blight on the earth. They use more gas than necessary and so help to keep us dependent on Middle East oil, they tear the roads up faster because of their weight, they are a traffic hazard because you can't see around them, they contribute to traffic congestion because they take up so much more space, same with parking. Hating Smart cars, on the other hand, seems to be simply a symptom of the growing culture war in the U.S.

I think about this culture war all the time and can think of no reasonable end to it. Could be we are headed for another civil war. Progressives wouldn't have a chance in such a war, we don't already have stockpiles of weapons and we are less brutal by nature. If it comes to that, I guess we'll all move to a more civilized place and leave the country to the Glenn Becks. Perish the thought.

Death Controversy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ways To Get Arrested in the Park.

When this cartoon published a week ago, I got a flood of emails from angry readers. What I thought was an innocent albeit surreal take on an old expression – death with dignity – was seen by many to be a jab at the political movement to secure a person's right to physician-assisted suicide. Unbeknownst to me, (because I don't pay much attention to life outside of my own tiny world, I suppose) there is a law in Oregon about this called the Death with Dignity Act.

This topic doesn't get much press here in NYC, at least not that I've noticed, so I didn't actually think about this when doing this cartoon. I don't mind offending people with whom I disagree if I feel strongly enough about a topic, but I hate offending people by accident, especially when I agree with them in the first place.

I've long supported any person's right to end their life when they wish to, especially in situations of chronic pain and illness. I think that denying this fundamental right of self determination is superstitious, archaic, and cruel. The sad truth is that even if a person is in excruciating pain, has no chance of survival and decides completely of their own sound mind that they want to end their life, anyone who aids them in any way can go to jail. As I understand it (and correct me if I'm wrong) in most states even if a person attains the means to do this on their own, anyone present while they do it can go to jail. So a person who somehow gets hold of enough pills to kill themself wants to go peacefully, surrounded by family and loved ones, they can't unless everyone in the room is willing to head to the slammer. Instead, their only option is to die alone, climb out of a window, hang themselves, blow their brains out, whatever they can manage in their condition. Of course, most people just choose to waste away slowly in agony because it is their only legal option. This is the law's idea of "respect" for human life.

So I spent a couple of days writing apologies to various readers and making statements to various groups and I think I've straightened it all out. I certainly hope that if the time comes that I want to check out of this life with some dignity, the law allows me the freedom to do so.

Glory To The Internets

A reader pointed me to this extraordinary page. I pass it along to you without comment, for now.

Placing the cursor over a person will provide a description of that character on the right. Be sure not to miss the group of people in the lower right corner.

Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section.
Enjoy... http://www.mcnaughtonart.com/artwork/view_zoom/?artpiece_id=353

Scary Health Care Reform

(click on the image to enlarge)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Two Sides of the Aisle.

Because of the cartoon above, I got a lot of hate mail from readers who are against government-run health care and/or are regular viewers of Fox News. I thought I'd spend a couple of minutes today explaining my position on health care reform, not as any kind of expert, of course, just from my vantage point as one who cannot afford health care in America.

I make a decent amount of money, but I'm not rich. I'm also self employed, so no one provides any kind of insurance for me, I have to buy it. Health insurance costs vary from state to state, but here in NYC, the cheapest I can find for my wife and I, with a large deductible, is over $1000 a month. That's another mortgage payment each month, into the pockets of super wealthy insurance execs, in all likelihood for nothing. Statistics show that if I ever want to use that insurance there is an excellent chance they'll find a way to deny me. That's how they make their profits. My wife had serious brain and heart surgery when she was 20, so just about anything that happens to her now will be called a "pre-existing condition." You can bet on it.

So here I sit, a reasonably famous guy who makes a decent living, unable to afford to get sick. Sure, I can afford the occasional doctor's visit or prescription, and do, but if either my wife or I are ever in an accident or get a serious disease, we're out of luck. We can't afford insurance and we can't afford to pay for the care. So we die.

This is clearly an unfair system tilted heavily toward the corporations running it. This dilemma does not exist in any other wealthy nation. Government run health care does. And it works. It's not perfect, but anyone who has spent any time going through America's current health care system knows that it is far from perfect, too. Most people describe it as a nightmare.

Yes, it is popular in the U.S. to be fearful of the government, and throwing around scary words like "socialism" is a very effective way to herd people in the direction you want them to go. There has virtually never been a time in human history when this kind of tactic did not work. But all of the top nations in the world are a combination of socialism and capitalism, including ours. Medicare, Social Security, VA hospitals, welfare, public schools, road repair, anything you pay taxes for is a form of socialism. Some people imagine it would be better if none of those things existed and we all got to keep all our money and just "pay as we go" for these services, provided by private companies. But history shows that private industry is just as likely to screw up and cheat the consumer as any government. A combination of socialism and capitalism works best, which is why it is so prevalent worldwide.

A public, non-profit health plan provided by the government is socialism, yes, but no moreso than Medicare or Social Security (which have worked well for decades, despite Fox News' inaccurate reports of their impending bankruptcy), and will not interfere with your option to pay a private insurer through the nose and take your chances when you make a claim, if that is your choice.

If you're getting your information from Fox News, that is your right, but you are kidding yourself if you think it is anywhere close to "fair and balanced." Any number of independent agencies and studies have invariably clearly shown FN is guilty of habitual misinformation, routine and obvious inaccuracies, and a consistent support of the will and benefit of a handful of the world's most powerful corporations, who already have far too much influence in Washington.

Simply put, Fox News is not journalism, it is propaganda. And not because their opinion disagrees with mine, because much of what they say is demonstrably false, and always supports the narrow interests of a small handful of the uber-wealthy. Millions of Americans are being tricked into fighting for the very corporations that threaten our freedom and welfare. When every other large news agency in the world is saying something is bright and Fox News is the only one saying it is dark, especially when the ten wealthiest and most powerful people in the world are selling light bulbs, be very suspicious.

People opposing health care are afraid the government will control their lives. Right now, huge corporations control our lives by controlling our health care and virtually every other aspect of our lives. At least I can vote against a government. I have no recourse against CEOs.

Your opinions may vary, that's fine. I'm just hoping there will be a way to afford to go to a hospital before I actually need it.