Monday, June 7, 2010

Super Babies

Bizarro is brought to you today by Labor Pains.

I like this cartoon because I don't like people who take their kids too seriously. It is natural to think your baby is special: smarter, cuter, cleverer, stronger, faster, quicker, more intelligent, more talented. It's fine, it feels good, it's as it should be, but it is important to realize that it isn't true. It is a simple trick of evolution. If we weren't irrationally in love with our own babies, we'd kill them the first time they woke us up at 4am or puked into our hair. The simple truth that your ancient parental programming is hiding from you is this: your kid is average.

I raised two daughters to be happy, productive adults, so I have some experience in this matter, and, I am a self-proclaimed, unlicensed expert on human psychology and childhood development. As hard as your brain fights to battle my assertion, do yourself a favor and try to consider that I might be right.

Mathematically speaking, your kid has as much chance of being anything but average as you do of winning the lottery, and, as they say, the lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. Overwhelming odds say your kid is average. Almost all of us are. That's the definition of the word.

And it means your precious little angel will be happy and healthy having an average childhood in which it plays with a ball, scribbles with crayons, and chews on a rag doll. It doesn't need Mozart in the crib or a French-speaking au pair or mommy/baby yoga class or chess lessons or tennis camp. And it most certainly does not need your constant interference and direction. Don't force yuppie activities on your kid seven days a week in hopes of developing the next superstar at something or other. What you'll develop is the next Lindsay Lohan. Your kid will hate you in the long run and everyone else will hate you now.

What your kid does need is affection and common sense discipline. If you don't have that to give then god help you both.

(This post is only meant for other people, of course, not you. Your kid actually is amazing and all the other parents are jealous. But let's keep it just between us. :)


Anonymous said...

thank you, thank you, thank you

Anonymous said...

Wow. I now feel horrible and I don't even HAVE kids...


Dave in Toronto said...

"The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math"- I like that,( it sounds nicer than a tax on the stupid).

dannybuntu said...

Reminds me of the movie "The Tooth Fairy" by Dwayne Johnson.

Ada Saab said...

that last bit, in italics, is the best.

Amyranth said...

The only thing worse than Super Babies are the First Time Expert Parents.

However, they are exponentially more amusing to watch when they fall flat on their faces.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh - they should put this in a pamphlet that's handed out to new parents at the hospital!
(And I was somewhat guilty of this myself with my first kid. By the second kid, I was a bit smarter.)
Well written!

Simio said...

Yup, I think there's a moment in most parent's lives where they look at their kid and think "Hmmm... Maybe I was wrong to save space on the mantel for that Nobel prize." Hopefully the next thought is "Love you anyway... Wanna go on a bike ride?"

Course, it works both ways to some extent. My kids are still under the impression that Daddy can do / make / fix just about anything; they'll realise the truth at some point, then THEY'll stop saving a space for MY nobel. #8-)

Henrik said...

may i take your post and post it in my facebook in spanish? it's really worth the read, and i feel sorry 4 those who doesn't have the chance to read it.

Piraro said... my guest.