Monday, August 18, 2008

Greek Breakfast



















Today's Bizarro is brought to you by FictionalDeformitiesOfAncientGreece.com

I am fully aware of how un-PC it is to say this, but I can't help but wish that cyclopsism was real. Wouldn't it be fascinating to see a huge person with one eye in the middle of his forehead? Yes, I know, it's wrong to wish deformities on others, my mother used to tell me that constantly when I was a kid, but the people I'm wishing it on are fictional, hypothetical, imaginary, and the deformity is cool. Doesn't that count for anything?

Can you imagine what life for a cyclops who could rap would be like? If you're eight feet tall, as wide as a Port-A-Potty, have one eye in the middle of your forehead, fangs, and you could rap? You'd be the biggest pop-star in the world, bar none. You'd have a mansion with an eye-shaped swimming pool, a limo with one huge headlight. You could spread rumors that you had one large testicle and two penises. The PR possibilities are almost endless.

Of course, there would be a downside. Like Michael Jackson, you'd be so famous and so freakish that no amount of camouflage would ever allow you to go out in public unmolested. You'd be eight-feet tall, for one thing. A pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap would do nothing at all. (which begs the question: if you had glasses specially made for you with one lens in the middle, would they be a "pair of glasses," or a "glass"?)

But alas, such things are merely myths. There are no one-eyed monsters, no minotaurs, no satyrs, no harpies.

17 comments:

Eric Haas said...

It’s depth-perception would suck, too.

Garrett Williams said...

Glasses for a cyclops would be a.... monocle.
CLASSY!

Scott said...

Does a pronounced underbite also accompany cyclopsism? It always seems to in the comics.

Jezzka said...

two penises? wow, you've really given me something to think about here. i am not sure if i would be frighted or turned on. i'm going to bake some cookies and mull it over.

melissa said...

I really feel for all the people who love Bizarro comics but don't know about the blog. The embedded links make my day. Seriously.

I admit, I wasn't prepared for the horror and shame I felt when I clicked on "two penises."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Robert Finis said...

Nice comic. Minotaurism would be a much more interesting deformity for people to be randomly inflicted with than the usual, painful things that happen to people, say, Lou Gherig's. Even if it did raise certain questions about the mother of the minotauristic child.

zwizki said...

Melissa, Bizarro has been my favorite comic for years, and I just discovered the glory of the Blog last week! I feel so retroactively deprived. The imbedded links now make my day, too. They make me laugh out loud, at work when I'm supposed to be working... So although the two penises may not represent my interests in the greater scheme of things, at least Bizarro is working to make up for their mistakes. It really gives me comfort.

Jeremy said...

Oh my gosh, the link for Harpie is PERFECT! ROFL!!

In The Last Unicorn, a Harpy took the form of a large bird with 3 (naked) female breasts. Later in the movie the young wizard is smothered by the breasts of a tree that comes to life. They really knew how to make cartoons back then.

fido said...

as most of you may know....my grandpa or as they say in french pepere possesses a virgin ass...

there is a porn star who on camera possesses two penis's both of course bigger than mine

hey jeremy get a life always posting on here

fran said...

The old and tired grapefruit squirting into the eye cliche... Bizarro continues to break new and creative ground.

Penny said...

Does it mean I can tell everyone I'm a genius because I knew what the "two penises" picture was going to be before I clicked on it? I believe it does.

Shortcake said...

i'm sorry piraro.. i HAVE to say something, even though i said i would stay out of this junk. some things just can't be left alone.

hey fido-- why don't YOU get a life and stop talking about porn and your grandpa's virgin ass? it's simply not funny, and you TOTALLY think it is. btw-- nice fake blog. i'm glad you've wasted your own time setting up a blog and the rest of ours by posting stupid comments on a legitimate one. i'm glad you've realized how much work goes into this guy's comic every day because otherwise i might think you were just some dick getting pleasure out of annoying people. it's a REALLY good thing that your improper use of this service cannot be flagged because technically, you're not doing anything wrong. you're just wasting a lot of time and energy. and as far as i can guess "fido" is not your only illegitimate name on here. i am expecting some kind of response to this (not that i want one.. i KNOW i'll get one having read your other comments), and i'm only going to be proving my point when you do because you'll likely mention your grandfather's ass again, the same as you have been doing for a couple weeks now. stop wasting our time, stop wasting YOUR OWN time, stop wasting piraro's time and space, and get a hobby or something. getting online and posting stupid comments is NOT a hobby; it's a nuisance. of course, you have every right to do what you are doing and probably no one comment by some random girl is going to influence an epiphany. just know, you're the only one laughing.

BigRed said...

You have reached another level! Your embedded links are getting better than your comics. Where in the world do you find all of this stuff, and do you ever go to sleep.

Just think if you actually put your energy to work...you could be rich!

fran said...

Agreed. Danny's embedded links have gotten better than his comics.

Marquis de Chocula said...

Cyclopia is real, although it's not accompanied by gigantism or Flintstone Clothing Syndrome. And it's generally fatal in a matter of minutes. It can be caused by eating corn lilies during pregnancy (this is how the chemical cyclopamine was discovered; cyclopamine blocks the "hedgehog" signaling pathway in cells and is thus being studied as an anti-cancer drug).

Anyway, I like the subversion of the grapefruit cliché (cf "Cyclops Family at Breakfast", Larson 1983)and commend Mr Piraro for adding value with his blog.

Andy said...

You should be embarrassed to even post this shit. This is a *direct rip-off* of a famous Far Side comic.

Anonymous said...

well there are people born with one eye but it sucks just look it up on google