Monday, August 18, 2008
Today's Bizarro is brought to you by FictionalDeformitiesOfAncientGreece.com
I am fully aware of how un-PC it is to say this, but I can't help but wish that cyclopsism was real. Wouldn't it be fascinating to see a huge person with one eye in the middle of his forehead? Yes, I know, it's wrong to wish deformities on others, my mother used to tell me that constantly when I was a kid, but the people I'm wishing it on are fictional, hypothetical, imaginary, and the deformity is cool. Doesn't that count for anything?
Can you imagine what life for a cyclops who could rap would be like? If you're eight feet tall, as wide as a Port-A-Potty, have one eye in the middle of your forehead, fangs, and you could rap? You'd be the biggest pop-star in the world, bar none. You'd have a mansion with an eye-shaped swimming pool, a limo with one huge headlight. You could spread rumors that you had one large testicle and two penises. The PR possibilities are almost endless.
Of course, there would be a downside. Like Michael Jackson, you'd be so famous and so freakish that no amount of camouflage would ever allow you to go out in public unmolested. You'd be eight-feet tall, for one thing. A pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap would do nothing at all. (which begs the question: if you had glasses specially made for you with one lens in the middle, would they be a "pair of glasses," or a "glass"?)
But alas, such things are merely myths. There are no one-eyed monsters, no minotaurs, no satyrs, no harpies.