Super Phallus

Bizarro is brought to you today by a guy with a station wagon who wasn't doing anything this morning and just wanted to help out.

I got a letter from a lawyer type about this cartoon. He said you can't copyright a name, so it would actually be trademark infringement. As soon as I read his email I remembered having heard that before, so I should have known better. I hate being inaccurate. It makes me seem so, I don't know…mortal.

Surprisingly, I received no comments about the phallic nature of Bat Man's costume, however.

You Breed, They Feed

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by the American Association of Absent Parents.

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a fan of humans as a species and think there are already far too many of us on the planet. In fact, I advocate vasectomies for all males above the age of 16. Radical? Yes. Likely? No.

Obviously, humans will continue to breed indiscriminately, like all other species, not for any grand or noble purpose, but because we are genetically programmed to believe it is the second most important goal of life, next to survival. Given that fact, I can't blame people for wanting kids, but I can grouse about it in cartoons.

My beef in this cartoon, however, is more specifically with those who exercise their "right" to breed but not their "obligation" to raise the little tyke themselves. It wasn't always easy, but I raised my own daughters, along with their mother, and it paid off. Their mother and I are no longer speaking, but my kids, now adults, are terrific little citizens whom you will not be seeing heading to jail on a DUI charge, or leading our country into an endless war based on lies.

For the record, CHNW is childless and is dedicated to staying that way, and I've been the proud owner of a vasectomy for five years. For those of you offended by my comments about not breeding in spite of the fact that I have two children of my own, you may be happy to hear I intend to kill them both, compost them, and plant some trees.

Celebs-A-Go-Go!

It was a big weekend for CHNW and me. We attended two events for animal issues, both of which were stinking to high heaven with celebs. One was the yearly fund-raising gala for Farm Sanctuary, whom CHNW and I have supported for many years. (Not to be confused with Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary, on whose board we sit. Same mission, different locations.)

The other event was a book party for a terrific new book about how we treat animals as a society. The nice thing about this book is that it presents and entertaining, pop-culture look at issues that are normally difficult to deal with, so most people never learn about. Give it a try.

Here are some pictorial highlights from the fun and freakiness.

Here I am with the beautiful and brilliant Emily Deschanel, star of Bones on TNT. I get to meet a lot of very cool folks through the animal rights movement that I would normally not have a chance to. A nice fringe benefit of a good cause.

Emily is quite a bit taller than I and was gracious enough to get on her knees for this shot.


I'm so excited to see my old friend, Dennis Kucinich, the most interesting politician in Washington. (photo by Derek Goodwin)

He was happy to see me, too, and posed with me and my Crazy Half-Nekked Wife, Ashley, who was fully dressed for the occasion.



The keener observers among you will notice that CHNW died her hair bright pink last week. I told you she was crazy.






Here I am with Susie Essman, best known for her hilarious portrayal of an incredible bitch on Curb Your Enthusiasm. In person, a total sweetheart.


I was thrilled to see one of my longtime favorites, Swoosie Kurtz. Her role as an eye-patched nutbag on ABC's Pushing Daisies is classic. She's been working in TV and film almost non-stop since the 60s.




These fabulous femmes are Rory Freedman, author of the NYTimes Best-Seller, Skinny Bitch, and Heather Mills. Don't believe the nonsense you read in the papers about Heather, she's a peach and a tireless activist for the downtrodden. And don't believe the rumors about Rory not being totally in love with me.


Who doesn't love Kevin Nealon? He's smart and funny, which is two of the top three things I look for in a person. (The third being an outstretched hand with cash.) He is angry in this photo because I wouldn't let him have my dessert from Vegan Treats.


Persia White, of TV's Girlfriends, is a regular at all the animal rights events I've ever attended. She even remembers our names and says hi to us!

I caught and photographed CHNW attacking former Duke of Hazzard John Schneider, in case I need it in court.








In retaliation, I attacked him too.
Take that, CHNW!

Black Cloud

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the political party that is supposed to be good for the economy.

This idea came in part from my buddy Phil, a budding cartoonist in his own right. He and I have had a pretty good number of collaborative efforts in the past year or so.

I write 90% or more of my comics, but I'm always willing to look at other people's ideas. Fresh perspective is important if you've got to write a cartoon a day, for life. I've been doing this without break since 1985. As I type that it makes me a little nauseous.

More Chins Than...

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Asian Laundry Services International.


This joke was suggested to me by a friend who is a very big dude and likes to kid himself about it. Thanks, Derek.

I got a few emails asking if the guy in the lower right corner is supposed to be me. Yes, it is, and yes, this regular habit of mine is something of an homage to Hitchcock. When I was young, my dad showed me how Alfred would appear momentarily in the early scenes of his movies, which instantly became my favorite thing to watch for. I put myself and CHNW in my cartoons all the time, but only folks who know us or read this blog realize it's us.

One reader asked if that was tofu I'm eating. I'm not a huge fan of tofu, but I do eat it from time to time. Whatever it is, it certainly is not meat. Although it is a cartoon, and animals are rarely harmed in the production of cartoon meat.

Satan's Toolshed

(Click on image to enlarge)

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the National Association of Independent Contractors, aka "Slackers With Tools."

I don't often praise my own cartoons but when this one came to me I couldn't scribble it down fast enough.

CHNW and I bought a place in Brooklyn four years ago and immediately started saving our money for a new kitchen. Last year we got estimates, had enough money, and decided to go with a contractor who came highly recommended by a friend. He said it would take "x" amount of money and 8 to 10 weeks. That was 9 months ago, and although he just finished the job, he has yet to come remove the rest of his tools. So far we've paid him "3x" and he thinks we owe him more. The Taj Mahal took less time and money than this kitchen.

On top of all this, the giant slab of stone-like crap the counter tops are made of is completely the wrong color, and there is a court battle between he and the counter top guy over whose fault it is.

I'm certain there are responsible contractors out there, but from the stories we've heard from friends, and our own experiences with the Kitchen Mahal, I think many are guys who don't want bosses, don't like responsibility, like to keep their own schedule (i.e. work half a day, smoke pot for three days, go to the beach, work half a day, disappear into the mountains for a week, etc.) who have a bunch of extra tools and large, brass balls.

If this project doesn't end in a murder/suicide, it will be a miracle.










This was the title panel from the cartoon. According to millions of American fundamentalists, this is a historically accurate portrayal of the origin of species. This image may well be used in the "science" classes of home-schooled kids all across the nation.

This is the 21st century, right?

Name Your Poison

Today's Bizarro cartoon comes to you courtesy of The Internets.

I have two daughters, but if I'd had a son, I desperately wanted to name him "Popeye." What boy wouldn't want to be named Popeye? I'd have loved it. But, alas, their mother was a ball-buster and I gave in to her naming choices: Krelspeth and Krapuzar. Hence the "K2" in many of my cartoons. (in this one, on the water pitcher)

I'm friends with a breeding couple – her last name is Lortz, his last name is Lutz (no kidding) – and they had a baby boy. I pleaded with them to name him Lars Lortz-Lutz, but they resisted.

I'm against human reproduction of any kind, because the last thing this planet needs is more arrogant consumers and the misery and pollution that we cause. But if you insist on producing crotch fruit, please consider giving it a humorous name. It is character-building for the child and makes the world a funnier place.