Free Valium

This Bizarro is brought to you by the struggling executives of America's oil companies. "We don't want your pity, just your firstborn, an arm, a leg, your soul, and another Republican in the White House."

Since I live in NYC, the only city in America where you can not own a car and still get anywhere, anytime, any day of the year, the price of gas isn't on my mind all that much.

I drive a Vespa scooter, which used to cost me about $4 to fill up, now nearly $8. If I drive it a lot every day, which I rarely do unless I'm smuggling illegals in from Canada, I fill up once a week. More typically, I fill up once a month.

I do feel the crunch when I fly, however, airline prices are out of sight, and the cost of cabs and car services in NYC keep going up.

What is the best thing we can do to alleviate the gas crisis? Elect a president who isn't butt buddies with the Saudis. (The ones who blew up the towers. Remember?)

Am I a genius, or could a box turtle to figure this out?

Bubble Court

Bizarro is brought to you today by Where The Hell? Industries. "Answering the question, 'Where the Hell did THAT come from?' since 1985."

In all modesty, let me say that I love this gag. I have no idea where it came from or why, it just fell out of my head when I leaned over my drawing table to write gags one morning , and I giggled.

It features one of my favorite cartoon tricks, to draw a picture that at first glance looks like something familiar, and at closer inspection is something entirely different. I didn't invent this trick, of course, I've just always loved it.

Below is perhaps my favorite example of it of my entire career. Tonto points at smoke signals in the distance. Or does he?












Click on the image to biggerize it and get the full effect.

I included this cartoon in the retrospective-of-my-career-so-far book, Bizarro and Other Strange Manifestations of the Art of Dan Piraro. If you like me or my work, it's a must-have book. I'm not saying that just because I want to sell the books (without decent sales numbers, you can't keep publshing), but because it honestly is a great book for people who like my work. Lots of unpublished paintings, sketches, photos, as well as my favorite cartoons from over the years, a humorous autobiography (that I wrote myself!), stories from my comedy show tours, controversial opinions about everything from tofu to our ravaged nation, you name it.

Order a case or two here. You and your descendants will thank me.

Fruity Fun For Free

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Teresa Heinz Foundation for Condiment Awareness.

How often do you think to put fruit on your hamburger or hot dog? Or have pasta with fruit sauce? What about dipping your french fries in a fruit salsa?

Well even if you think you would never do such a thing, I am here to tell you that you would too! You do it all the time! For the plain scientific truth is, the tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable!!!

For eight more little-known facts, one of which has to do with handcuffs, go here.

Non Bizarro Parade

Today's cartoon is not a Bizarro at all, and is brought to you by Parade Magazine. "Don't rain on us. Newsprint melts."

After decades of featuring Howard Huge and The Lockhorns in their comics section, Parade Magazine has recently taken on a small stable of different cartoonists to fill their page. I'm lucky enough to be one of them, and here are a few samples of ones they've run.

For the uninitiated, Parade is a semi-slick pull-out magazine that is included in Sunday newspapers all across the country. Many hundreds of markets, more markets than Bizarro's daily list, for sure. So this is nice exposure for me and a little extra money here and there. My drug habit being what it is, I can always use extra money.

They even have a caption contest now and then, which is fun. A couple of the future caption contests will feature my cartoons, so keep an eye out for them.

The first cartoon above is one of my favorites that Parade has bought. I like technology and always get a kick out of learning something new on my computer or phone, but I didn't grow up with it so it is more intimidating to me that it is for those of you under thirty.

I'm not a complete klutz, I've never taken a picture of my ear while trying to make a call, but I have spent 11 minutes sending a text message that would have taken me 11 seconds to speak, only to be texted back four paragraphs of copy less than a minute later. Who are these people with such fast and nimble fingers and why aren't they heart surgeons?

I've always loved lava lamps and am fortunate to have an original one from the 60s (exactly like this one, sans coffee mug) which came with CHNW when we married. Some would say that's not much of a dowry, but I'm happy with it. I also like volcanoes, but I don't have one.














I like this penguin joke, too. Tiny Speedos on just about anything other than a hot babe, are just inherently funny. Or disgusting. I actually have two swim suits: a baggy surfer-style one that I use for American beaches, and a small Euro-style Speedo (like this size) that I wear to foreign beaches. It's actually more comfortable and I don't feel as if I'm swimming in a dress, as I do with the big baggy American one. But wearing the small suit on an American beach just makes me feel conspicuous. People tend to assume I'm gay (partly because of the suit and partly because I am so good-looking and have such a great body) or an exhibitionist. I'm sure you ladies know what I mean when I say that being hit on by men is not conducive to a relaxing day at the beach.

Whispers and Shouts

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Subvocalized Punch Lines. "Act them out in your head, they're funnier!"

It has been my experience that people read in very different ways. Really good readers, with large, bulging, veiny brains, can glance at words, understand their meaning in a microsecond, and move on at tremendous speed.

Average readers, like me, tend to hear a voice in their head saying the words. (Don't get me wrong, I am an avid reader and can achieve the glancing technique when I just want the info and don't care about style, but when reading for fun I slow way down.)

Then there is the third type, who move their lips and whisper as they read, usually more slowly than they would speak, often with their eyes half shut and a little drool on their chin. (This third type is not to be ridiculed, many such readers have attained great personal success.)

The punchline above is one that begs to be subvocalized, as the emphasis on the words is essential to the gag.

One of my pet peeves is when a cartoonist emphasizes the wrong words in a caption. I see this all the time. For instance, if during a heated debate one character says, "What are you talking about?!" the proper word to emphasize is "talking." But often, the word "about" or "you" will be emphasized instead. Say these aloud and hear which makes the most sense: What are you talking ABOUT?! What are YOU talking about?! (this version could make sense, but in the context of an argument, it isn't the emphasis you're looking for.) What are you TALKING about?!

That's a hypothetical example and sounds dumb, but believe me, I see this all the time. If I went on the Internets right now, I'm sure I could find an example somewhere and post it. But then I'd be deriding a colleague, which is not cool in my book. Unless it is Jim Davis, who no longer writes Garfield anyway and who could afford to buy the entire block across the street from my apartment in Brooklyn, turn it into an ice cream truck parking lot and leave the music on all night.

Happy Thoughts!

Bizarro is brought to you by Our Horrendous Predicament. "You asked for it – ENJOY!"

(click image to make it GMO BIG!)

Since I was a kid, I've enjoyed imagining and drawing what things would look like "if". Here, I got to explore what a pickup truck would look like if a 10,000 lbs. chicken stepped on it. It isn't strictly accurate, of course, an old truck from the 70s wouldn't have crushed nearly this easily or uniformly. But if I hadn't drawn it this way, wouldn't be funny. That's where science meets art in the world of the cartoonist. (said facetiously)

This cartoon also serves as a reminder of the dangers of GMO foods. Chickens probably won't grown to 25 feet tall (although I'd love to be there when one that size tore through the family room wall of Jim Perdue's house), but the truth is, we don't know what will happen. Like marriage, genetic modification can be sublimely beneficial or a never-ending horror show. In my opinion, it isn't something you should tinker with for as frivolous a reason as wider profit margins.

But that kind of thinking never stopped a capitalist before, so I'm pretty much just pissing into the wind. At least when the planet finally extinguishes our species, as our obese, pampered bodies succumb to flesh-eating bacteria and dissolve on live TV, some of us can wave our bumper stickers, pins, T-shirts, and cartoons and say, "TOLD you (cough, cough) so!"

This has been today's Bizarro Happy Thought. : )

I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow.

Punny Paris

People suggest puns to me all the time but I rarely bite. Puns have to be very clever or unique or have a good visual to get me interested. In the case of this one, I just thought it was funny. Sadly, I can't remember who suggested this one or I'd give him/her props here.

(I know I've mentioned other people suggesting jokes to me a lot lately, but it is because I'm going through a tremendously rough patch in my personal life right now and am having trouble writing humor. Depending on others for the extra material needed to keep up with my merciless joke-a-day schedule is a life-saving option.)

Most people who wrote to me liked this one, but one reader politely suggested that I was making fun of suicide and objected. I politely explained that the Pont Neuf in Paris is a very short bridge and people don't typically use it for suicide, just jackassing around. She felt better.

Another email came in from regular readers who said they were in Paris a few weeks before this cartoon ran and saw a guy jump into the Seine off another bridge. They wondered if maybe I was there and that was what inspired the cartoon. Oddly enough, I was there and, in fact, was the guy who jumped.

I wish. I haven't been in Paris for years and really need to go back. Maybe soon.

Pale Backs

Today's Bizarro cartoon is dedicated to the patriotic men and women of the American Northern Border Patrol. "If it looks like a Canuck and walks like a Canuck, we shoot at it."

Before any literal-minded readers' wigs start smoking, let me say I do NOT advocate shooting Canadians. Unless they are trying to sneak over the border, then they are fair game.

As the army of misinformation drones on Fox News tell us daily, illegal immigration is the biggest problem our country faces. They are behind the high price of gas, the sinking dollar, our faltering infrastructure, and the war in Iraq. It's not US, it's THEM. Any fool can see that.

But wait, the border between Canada and the U.S. is the longest unguarded border in the world. No fence, no barricades, no machine guns or howitzers pointed at Toronto. What gives?

That is a rhetorical question, of course. The last thing I want is for the U.S. to shut off the flow of illegal immigrants from Canada. My housekeeper and yard people are illegal Canadians, they work for peanuts and I don't have to pay their social security. Also, Canadian food is my absolute favorite. What would I do without my weekly moose tacos and Montreal Margarita? I contend that Canadians are hard working and gladly filling jobs that Americans feel are beneath them. So what if they talk funny? Who cares if they smell like maple syrup and think hockey is more important than football? I fail to see how they are eroding the fabric of our nation.

It's amazing what a little pale skin can do to alleviate a national security threat.

Suffering for Beauty

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the Bizarro from 6-02-08 and a comment left by someone calling his/herself "julie."

This cartoon was inspired by a cartoon I posted in June about plastic surgery. In the comments section, a regular reader of this blog suggested the idea. I drew it up immediately and submitted it. I'm not too proud to accept a good idea when offered.

This cartoon's concept also grew from a comment from another reader, "ging," who sent me a link to an actual children's book about this very subject of helping children deal with their mother's new look. When I first saw the cover, I actually blacked out and lost control of my bowels for a moment. When I came to, I begged the gods to kill me, to no avail. My cats wouldn't oblige me either, thus I lived to blog another day.

Since you're my best friends in the whole wide world and I consider you family, I won't candy-coat it: The selfish, shallow, arrogant nature of our species turns my stomach. At the same time, I fully realize that all species are selfish by evolutionary design, it is part of how we live long enough to reproduce. But our species has achieved a type of intelligence that allows us to far overreach ourselves and torture and destroy the other inhabitants of the earth, and ourselves, with our arrogance. That same intelligence can be used to resist the temptation to enslave or kill others for our own pleasure.

I'm not saying plastic surgery will destroy the world, of course (unless Michael Jackson is your world), but it's the tip of an iceberg of symptoms. Many live animals suffer immensely as techniques to improve human beauty are practiced on them. At Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen, NY, there is a pig named Charlie who has huge lumpy scars all over his body from such practice. Carved up by day, imprisoned at night, so mommy can be more beautiful.

I'd like to see a children's book about that.

Open Door

Today's Bizarro may not be reproduced in any manner – electronic, mechanical, oragami, mime, Kabuki, opera or interpretive dance – without express written consent, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in the original text of the Bhagavad Gita.

People write to me all the time to ask if they can use my cartoons for everything under the sun: blogs, presentations, web sites, advertising, books, newsletters, T-shirts, tattoos, you name it. A lot of cartoonists are super uptight about reprints and don't allow anything without attaching big fees. I, on the other hand, am the Zen Groovy Love Doctor of reprints and have very simple rules:

The answer is "yes, you may" if:

1. You ask nicely.

2.It is a not-for-profit use like your personal website or a charity thing. As long as your website or your charity do not stand for something I oppose, like electing John McBush for president or dairy products.

3. You have a for-profit use like a book or advertisment, but have asked permission and paid a fee. The fee is based on the size of the use. Tiny self-published book/tiny money – big international publication from a major publishing house/bigger money.

4. You have members of my family in your custody and threaten them bodily harm if I do not relent.

The answer is "no, sorry" if:

1. You are a jerk.

2. Your usage promotes something I don't agree with, like (see #2 above.)

3.You have had members of my family in your custody and threatened them bodily harm but I managed to rescue them.

Short answer, if you want to use one of my cartoons for any reason – from a T-shirt to a mural on the side of your cargo ship – just ask me. My electronic door is always open.

Bird Food

Bizarro is made possible by millions of years of evolution.

My biggest problem with this cartoon was making the pigeons look huge. It's very difficult to do that if you don't have something of a known size to compare them to. Since this is prehistoric, the only reference I felt I could logically give are trees, but they could also be small, tree-shaped plants.

I consider this cartoon a failure because I missed the obvious answer, which would have immediately both driven the joke home and made it much funnier: that rodent in the bird's mouth should have been a tiny caveman.

Sometimes, I surprise even myself with my dumbassness.

Death Row Doggy

(click image to enlargenize)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Shallow Choices. "Why rescue an innocent critter from Death Row when you can spend thousands on a purebred that matches your hair?"

I was thinking about the cliche cartoon premise of a dog eating a kid's homework one day and wondered what would happen if you took that scenario to its extreme. The dog develops a homework addiction and has to have it every day. The kid he lives with isn't studious enough to satisfy the dog's cravings. The one place the dog can depend on getting plenty of homework is at a school. He disguises himself as a teacher.

As in all crimes outside of the White House, however, he eventually gets caught and ends up in the hoosegow.

P.S. Never buy a dog or cat from any kind of breeder or pet store. There are literally millions of great animals – purebreds and mutts alike – put to death at city animal shelters every single day. They need our help more than we need a fashion accessory for our home.

Loaded Labeling

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Natural Selection. "Being overridden by an arrogant species for over a thousand years."

This is another offering from my pal, Phil, and it appealed to me both because I like the word play, and idiotic legal warnings on signs and labels are a pet peeve of mine.

If a label has to tell you not to use an electric hair dryer in the bathtub, chances are nature didn't equip you with the skills to avoid accidental electrocution. Could be a sign you were not meant to pass those genes on. As cruel as it sounds, I feel the same way about the dangers of combining infants and plastic bags. I've not tested this theory on the infants in my own care, but I find it hard to imagine a child strong enough to get hold of a plastic bag not being strong enough to pull it from his/her mouth.

Seems if one person dies from product misuse, no matter how foolish, it must forever be labeled. Eventually lawn chairs will have labels that say, "Do not consume a case of Bud before attempting to clean a loaded gun while sitting in this chair."

Accused of Idiocy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Unexpected Underwear Unlimited.

This joke came to me a few weeks ago I thought because my CHNW and I had been planning a trip to Scotland later this year. But when it ran in papers, a TV writer friend of mine in Hollywood, Andy Cowan (Seinfeld), wrote and reminded me he had tried to sell me this gag months ago. He was right, so I thanked him and sent him a check. ($12 – don't tell him he should have asked for more.)

Another email arrived the day after this ran, from a goober in Louisiana somewhere who claimed very pompously that I had obviously stolen it from his cartoon published in a local Mensa newsletter in Baton Rouge six years ago. Like I comb old Mensa newsletters from Louisiana looking for ideas.

What few people realize is that when you and who-knows-how-many thousands of other humans pretty much just like you are racking their brains 365 days a year to come up with jokes, obvious ideas like this one are going to occur to more than one person over time. Professional cartoonists know this well, we inadvertently copy each other all the time, chide each other by email and buy the injured party a beer at the next convention. A gag like this one has been thought of dozens of times before, and will be thought of dozens of times in the future. As long as you're haven't seen the gag yourself somewhere, it is fair game.

Unless I'm mistaken, the same pompous putz (I am less than polite in my choice of moniker because his letters arrogantly insist I am knowingly stealing from him and owe him money) accused me some years ago of stealing one of his cartoons about a pirate who had gotten dressed in a hurry that morning and put his hook, peg leg, eye patch, etc. in the wrong places.

If a truly unique or strange idea is copied, you know it's plagiarism, and those kinds of cartoonists are not tolerated well among their peers. Consequently, it happens very rarely among professionals. Especially in the age of the Internet.

Bottom line, someone as widely published as I, doesn't steal jokes. It's too easy/embarrassing to get caught. In spite of the way I look, I am not a complete idiot.

Nuclear Summer

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the word, "Nucular."
"He who cannot control his tongue, cannot hope to control his mind." – Fortune Cookie

This cartoon appeared in newspapers vertically, as opposed to horizontally, as it is shown here, and represents the first time I've ever done that with a panel-shaped cartoon. (I have done it on occasion with the strip format, however.) Readers seeing it in the newspaper had to turn the paper sideways or crane their neck to see it properly. (Why "crane" our necks and never "flamingo" our necks?)

This is a version of an idea that my buddy and occasional writing partner, Phil Witte sent me. His idea was a couple of normal kids being passed in a 3-legged race by a kid with three legs. I liked the idea, but added the twist of his having four legs and having to hold one up, with the nuclear (pronounced properly) reactors in the background. These are typical of the sort of adjustments that are sometimes made to cartoon ideas I get from other people. Other times, I use them verbatim. I love ideas from others, but still write around 85% or 90% of my own jokes.

I also like the subtle addition of his three eyes and the eye on his shirt. I always like to give readers plenty to look at.

Slavery Sarcasm

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Controversy Industries, Inc. "Looking for trouble? We've got it in over 250 different styles and colors!"

I normally post cartoons a week after they run in papers, but this one has attracted a lot of negative mail so I wanted to address it sooner.

Contrary to what many people assumed, this cartoon is not intended to make light of slavery or racism. My intention was to point out that modern "feel good" marketing techniques are no more honest than this kind of technique would have been during legal slavery in America. My earnest apology goes to anyone who misinterpreted it. I'm not into pushing those kinds of buttons.

Words like "free-range," "organic," and "humane," make consumers believe that animals are being well treated and that the environment is not being damaged. This is a patent lie in virtually all cases. Animal agriculture at current rates is always cruel to animals and damaging to the environment. Any animal that goes to a slaughterhouse has experienced the ultimate cruelty. It's a no-brainer, there is no such thing as "humane meat".

I don't personally believe that cruelty to any species of animal is less immoral than cruelty to our fellow humans. To me, we are all the same in our desire to be pain free, happy, and alive. I don't believe this because I am vegan, I am vegan because I believe this.

For the record, I also refrain from buying products from countries with serious human rights issues. (Although everything under the sun is made in China so to be ardent about this I'd have to live naked in the woods.)

I hope this alleviates some angry readers. If not, send me an email and I'll respond personally.
If you're interested, here is a website about what your animal-based food goes through.

MGM Weddings

This Bizarro is brought to you by something clever, which I cannot at the moment think of.

If you're alive in America right now, you've probably been invited to a foreign wedding. This seems to be the new trend, I've been to four in the past three years.

Even though I poke fun of foreign-destination weddings in this cartoon, I actually kind of like them. Unlike people with real jobs, I can usually afford to get away for a while and I fly so much that I have lots of frequent-flier miles. They are usually three-or-four-day parties and fairly spectacular.

One thing I've noticed over the years, however, is that the more money a couple spends on their wedding, the shorter the marriage tends to last. That's not always true, of course, but I have a general theory that if it is important to you to make an MGM musical out of your wedding, chances are it is disguising some insecurity about the relationship.

Before you start filling the comment box with examples of that not being true, remember that it's just a general rule of mine and carries no legal weight or obligation. Your results may vary.

Die Like Howard

This episode of Bizarro is brought to you by our nation's airline industry. "We charge whatever we feel like for every tiny thing, but at least security is unreasonably inconvenient and our service is undependable."

(Click image to enlargenate)

Just got back from South Dakota and wow, what a trip. Can't really go into it in detail here, maybe someday, but the sites were beautiful and I got to spend a lot of time climbing thick, forested mountains alone, which proved essential for my emotional well being.

This cartoon came from my wondering what might happen if Superman fell asleep while flying. I'm notorious for not being able to drive for more than an hour without conking out and though I've never had an accident, I've taken a few unexpected side trips through scenic roadside culverts.

I despise car trips anyway, so there is no love lost. But with airlines becoming more expensive, less reliable, and increasingly inconvenient because of our great nation's idiotic security system, I hate to fly, too.

More all the time, I just want to stay home. Fortunately, I live in a city where you can never run out of new things to see and do. Someday I may hole up in my house like Howard Hughes and die with long, white hair and beard and fingernails the length of shoe strings.

Soup or Powers

Bizarro is brought to you today by Invisible Headphones.

I've often wondered if I had a choice between invisibility on demand or being able to fly (without apparatus), which I would choose.

As a teenager, I thought the best thing about invisibility would be access to the girl's locker room. As an adult, I think more about standing behind the President at a televised news conference and yanking his feet out from under him every time he lies.

The ability to fly at will would be amazing, especially with the escalating price of gas and mass transit. It would be a blast, but only truly useful if you could carry luggage.

The Invisible Man had to be naked to be totally invisible, a caveat that would allow you to use the ability only when weather conditions permitted. And what if it was a bit chilly so you wore clothes to the location of your planned caper, then disrobed, then returned to find your clothes had been stolen? It would be a cold walk home. People stepping on your feet would also be a hazard.

I personally have experienced invisibility on a number of occasions at singles bars. And I wasn't even naked.

Cat Butts

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Zen Industries.

This is an old cartoon from '04, and one of my favorites of the past few years. I like cats, but find their personal habits disgusting. True, even after years of yoga, I can't lick my own butt so I guess I shouldn't criticize. But I feel fairly confident that even if I could, I would refrain.

And the fact that they swallow so much hair that they barf is beyond belief. I get one piece of hair in my mouth and my head turns inside out.

Cats clearly hate to be wet, but they'll slather themselves with saliva if you drip a couple of drops of water on them. Is saliva not wet to them? Is there a difference between the sort of wet that water and saliva possess, that we humans cannot perceive?

One of my cats often slinks along the back of the sofa when I'm watching TV and licks the top of my head for several minutes. Even though it's pretty disgusting that my head is covered in cat saliva and she's using the same tongue she was just licking her butt with, I let her do it because it feels good.

Maybe that answers why they lick their butts.