Saturday, August 23, 2008

Big-Headed Keister Dance

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Barry Bonds brand denture adhesive.

I like to watch sports on TV. Not all sports–I'm not a fanatic who wears a lot of sports clothing or drives a car with a big Patriots logo painted on it or has his front teeth enameled with "KU." I'm more of an average fan who likes to watch sports on TV while I'm sketching cartoons, gets wrapped up in the playoffs from time-to-time, and loves highlight reels of people doing amazing things like catching and throwing simultaneously while six feet off the ground and upside down, or running full speed into the Gatorade stand and wiping out half of the marching band.

I'm also a big fan of sports mascots. What a hideous, thankless job it must be to wear a foam rubber suit and jump around like a leprechaun with a jalapeno up his keister. The only upside to a job like that is that you're anonymous, so you can pretend it isn't supremely humiliating. I once read a story about a mascot who extolled the virtues of "getting paid to watch the game." True, but you're watching it through a mesh-covered fun fur slit with a cascade of sweat pouring down your face. I'd pay a hundred bucks to alleviate those symptoms if they were affecting my enjoyment of the game, wouldn't you?

On the subject of steroids, I say legalize them all. If consenting adults want to pour chemicals into their bodies and become freakish lab experiments to be able to jump higher or throw harder or look lumpier, what do I care? If they get so freakish that they are scaring the fans, we can always cover them up in fun fur.


fido said...

okay i will start this thread...

as most people may know my grandpa or as they say in french pepere possesses a virgin ass..

my grandpa took steroids once and his ass turned he stopped.....its white now and still virginized

Bonnach said...

I had a buddy in high school who was one of the Astros mascots in the 80s. He was an armadillo. One night, in true armadillo fashion, he was run over by the other mascot who was driving an ATV around in the outfield. Fortunately, those outfits are nicely padded.

asb said...

Won't somebody please think of the children!

No, really. If adults are allowed to use doping substances, then junior athletes who wish to make a career in sports have to use doping substances so that they can break into the "major league." So you move the doping problem from adults to children. That isn't really healthy. This was tested in cycling and it didn't work.

If doping is free then the competition will be about whose body will endure most drugs. This too was tested in cycling and it didn't work. Couple of athletes died mid race. Fans didn't like that.

Then there is still the subject of clean sports. Nobody cares about winning the "dirty olympics" because all the sponsors are in the "clean olympics." So there will still be a doping problem in the clean side.

JohnReid said...

i prefer there isnt any doping used in major league sports. Its nice to know that its natural talent out there doing great feats. I prefer watching baseball the last couple of years now that they have cracked down on steroids, its more of a fair playing field.

Love the 'shot in the arm' Bonds picture. Im glad no one will sign that roid beast.

derekamalo said...

wtf............todays bizarro.sun aug 24...ive called the police francesco is back we gotta go through this sh*t again....get better dan all this is doing is hurting you

Piraro said...

asb and john reid: You're totally right and I agree with you. I got all sarcastic about my blog posting for the sake of humor, but your points are way more valid than mine. Good posts.

Derekamalo: Chill, dude. I had Marciuliano do seven cartoons for me way back when, but my weekday and Sunday Bizarro schedules are out of sync, so this is the Sunday panel that belongs to the Mon-Fri panels that ran a few weeks ago. There are no more subs scheduled. Breath deep, count to ten, imagine yourself on a Caribbean beach. Maybe with fido's grandpa. :)

Francesco Marciuliano said...

Derek is certainly entitled to his own opinions. Of course, one must keep in mind that Derek requested I be his Myspace friend and sent me a couple of personal emails asking for my opinion of his cartoon work, but I assume these contradictions are what make him the fascinating man he is.

derekamalo said...


hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa on the fido grandpa story...i just laughed for ten minutes..


i dont attack anyones without at least showing someone my own work....which is why allow opinions on my own i can take criticsim as well as anyone..

i feel your allowed to show opinions yourself as i was to..which was reason why i sent friend request the day i snuffed your work....if i didnt allow you to view also that makes them a p**sy which i am not..

see fran, anonymous etc..for those

derekamalo said...

wait a minute if i didnt allow you to view my work... as if i attacked you and had nothing to show ...that makes me ap*ssy as well as anyone who does the same..

i think thats better ..

i dont know i got d's and f's in english

derekamalo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
HollyBerry said...

thumbs up.

piraro-- have you listened to or watched the atheist experience? if you have, then kudos. no need to say more. if not, i recommend going to youtube and looking up some of their videos. i just discovered them today... and i know they're actually pretty old.. but it's always nice to find some reaffirming opinions. anyway.. tootles.

Anonymous said...

Say what you will, little Derek, but at least Francisco is writing the humor on his own. Several times recently I thought there may be a glimmer of hope for the re-emergence of humor in Bizarro, only to find out Danny got the idea from someone else.