Thursday, August 21, 2008

Phone Eddy Cut

Bizarro is made possible by a grant from the Level Forests Initiative. "Making trees work for you."

Instead of carping about the Bush administration's disastrous environmental policies, let's talk about cell phones.

I held off getting one until relatively late in the game. I don't like talking on the phone very much and dislike being "available" 24/7, so the prospect was not attractive. I don't remember what year I finally gave in, but by that time, most humans on the planet down to age 12-or-so, had one.

Now just about every kid old enough to hold one has one. I saw a five-year-old in NYC walking down the street with his yuppie mom, while talking on his cell phone. True story, my throat is still sore from the dry heaves. Soon, we will be able to hear the muffled tinkle of those hideous electronic "musical" ring tones emanating from the bulging stomachs of pregnant women. A sonogram will be nothing more than a quick call to the uterus. "How are you feeling? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And how many fingers and toes? Mm-hmm, good. Now look down between your legs...anything sticking out?"

The worst thing about cell phones to my mind is the prospect of being killed by a driver on their phone. States outlaw phone use without a hands-free device, but it doesn't address the deeper issue: the problem is not so much your hands as your attention. A person in the car with you will innately stop a conversation when you need to concentrate because they see the same things you do. A person on a phone just keeps yammering, which divides your attention in a different, more exclusive way.

I realize that sounds uncharacteristically brainy of me, but that's only because I didn't think it up. I heard it discussed by some behavior study brain guy on the radio.

The next worst thing about cell phones is the volume with which some people speak. I cannot understand why some people think you must shout into a phone. That hasn't been true since Sheriff Taylor used to call Aunt Bea from the courthouse. It's a phone, not a paper cup and string. Keep it down, please.

By the way, this idea was suggested by my kooky buddy, Derek, who used to be a lumberjack, but denies being an ass.

23 comments:

Jon Delfin said...

"I cannot understand why some people think you must shout into a phone." Lack of feedback. When you talk into a standard wired or cordless phone, some of your own voice gets channeled into your ear. Cellphones don't do that, so you can't monitor your own volume as easily.

Peaches said...

I don't know about that one. I was at the library a few weeks back and some jackass answered his phone and talked the same loud ass volume in the library as he did walking behind me out of it. Personally I like when people don't yell for the reason that I don't give a shit about any stranger's personal life. I already hear it at work all the time. I woke up being a bitch today, and yesterday and most likely tomorrow. There are other logical reasons like either people are in a noisy place so both people need to yell. Which is... go to a quieter place to talk!

fran said...

Weak, weak effort.

derekamalo said...

DENIES BEING AN ASS..HAHAHAHAHA.....NO DUDE ILL CLAIM IT ..LOL..

for the record my friend i only own a prepaid cell phone and i totally agree with you when people want you 24 - 7 screw that..

most of my communication at least 85 % is done via email that way you can get to it when you want ..

thats cool your upcoming shows are actually within distance of my dads once again via a drpp off...then public bus then trolley i know that area..

hey dan oce again my friend you might want to contact borders your books arent shelved..i have to order them..your books however are at the other bookstore major chanin f*** i forgot the name

hey man rumor has is chaka kahn is going to mohegan sun...ill meet you there for a beer..lol

derekamalo said...

im sorry fran i tried my best:(..or your alias fido :)

doug nicodemus said...

i started using my cell phone when the "land line" people told me it would take 6 weeks to hook it up. for awhile it was really fun and made me feel important...now it is mostly off and used for long distance only...sound quality sucks.

La Framéricaine said...

I thought my aversion to getting on the cellphone train was due to being an old broad. Thus, either I was wrong or you are all old broads using male noms de plume to get published, n'est-ce pas?

A near fatal heart attack and a dance around the floor with cancer were the only things that drug my husband and me into T-Mobile for those prepaid, battery-eating little suckers!

I would love to see a cartoon on the romantic dinner scenario where the guy is on the phone and the woman is staring out into space; the little family outing where the dad is on phone and the mom is, as usual, minding the rug rats; blah, blah, blah.

My self-defense solution in the library, and elsewhere--the earplugs that I keep two sets of in my purse!!!

Thank you all for the laughs...

julie said...

You gotta be kidding me. You're mining DEREK for your ideas now? Have you been to his blog?

derekamalo said...

lolololol hey julie send me a myspace im prouder of my work there...i dont even know how to run this blog

itold piraro my hewphew was at the hands opf well kidnappers andthey told me if piraro takes an idea we wont kill him ...so i thought about it then asked dan to do it..

Garrett Williams said...

Just yesterday I had a customer talking on a Bluetooth headset while I was ringing her up, and I didn't know she was talking on the phone(thing's only visible from one side, and easily covered by hair). Not the first time that's happened, either.

Mel2 said...

I don't think cell phone technology itself is inherently evil. It's the boneheads who abuse it that make it a bad thing. I'm a very happy cell phone user who doesn't use it in the car and who turns it off when I'm engaged in something else. They do all have power buttons and voicemail.

Mel2 said...

By the way, I used to go by "melissa" on this blog. I decided to change it to something a little more personal.

derekamalo said...

hey fran i checked thislinkof mine repeatedly

http://s141.photobucket.com/albums/r75/derekamalo/?action=view&current=ibid-31.jpg

what the helldoes this have to do with piraro i like showing him my work and he commenst on ones he likes it well apprectiated again click the link i dont understand

TParadox said...

Thank you! I finally understand why people want to outlaw phoning while driving, but not conversations with passengers.

Tanja said...

Hah, I still don't have one!

Leigh said...

My son has a cellphone but he rarely uses it. I got it for him so that I would have means to contact him because his dad isn't so good about answering his own cellphone.

I also dislike talking on the phone so I rarely use my own phone except for occasional text messages. I still prefer having a cellphone over a land line.

I don't have a hands free set up. I just figure what whoever is calling me can wait until I feel like calling them back, which may or may not be when I get out of the car.

One of my best friends died as a result of a driver with cellphone in hand. I find it to be as offensive as drunk driving.

La Framéricaine said...

Can you remember the world in which there were only heavy landline phones in houses that ran into infinity when people were outside having an adventure? And busy signals? And party-lines?

Robert Finis said...

Wearing your blue tooth headset even when you're not on a call, or even expecting a call, as if it's some kind of jewelry, has become a big trend here in Dallas, especially in the Wal-Mart crowd. Too many commas in that sentence, but too groggy to care.

fido said...

hi everyone, As most of youmay already know.My grandpa or as the french say pepere has a virgin ass.

I have a cell phone,its blue.

derekamalo said...

hey fido orfran i should say...space key space key ...your taking my material

fran said...

Not fido, kiddo. But you should know that by now, since you investigate these things.

Filosofa said...

you had once an ingenious one with a man at his death bed and everyone, included him, on their cell phones, remember? The man say "I think I see a light in the end of the tunnel" or something like that (OSLT) and the priest say: "I may be home for dinner after all" (OSLT).

kerrikoo said...

I have a cellphone talking carpoolie... She could call at lunch.. or during a break.. or in the evening.. But Nooo she waits until we're all in the car... and then she gets out the cellphone.. and she's so loud!! She has one of those scratchy smokers voices.. which seems to amplify everything she says.. Dan... if you ever get writers block.. ride in a carpool for a few weeks.. you'll find something to write about.. We have 5 people in my carpool and the one guy is about 350 lbs and 6 feet tall.. and I drive a compact!..