Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Cookie Faith


Bizarro is brought to you today by Fortune 500 Cookie Company.

Seems like fortune cookies used to actually have fortunes inside them, but now they all seem to have bits of useless wisdom instead.

"A good friend is a good neighbor."
"There is no more beneficial exercise than smiling."
"A screaming child is the most powerful form of birth control."

Yeah, I know all that stuff –I don't need a cookie to tell me. I want useful information from my desert. Like if my taxes are going to get audited or whether I should change my flight because the plane is going to crash. What has happened to the prophetic powers of pastry in this country?

One confession: As a small child, I ate fortune cookies for several years before my parents noticed I wasn't taking the fortune out first. If I ever get a terminal illness, I'm going to blame it on the ink and sue China.

13 comments:

doug nicodemus said...

i was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago and we were talking about this. remember when a fortune cooky could "be careful today - you could die in an accident" or "a friend will go behind your back"? there were actually bad ones then. hell if today's kids opened a bad one they would have a heart attack.

melissa said...

HA! I laughed my butt off at this one. I've taken to exasperatedly calling them "platitude cookies."

Except for one I got a few weeks ago, Doug. It actually says: "Your mouth is moving, but nobody is listening." Ouch! My first insult cookie! I was so proud I stuck it to my refrigerator door.

JP Sherman said...

My best 2 fortune cookies:
1: You will overcome many hardships.
(Great... more hardships)
2: You Look Pretty
(awww, thanks!)

They're both laminated and stuck on magnets. :)

beforewisdom said...

It wouldn't do any good to sue China. Fortune cookies are not a Chinese food. Fortune Cookies were created by Chinese immigrants to the U.S. It used to be that when Chinese restaurants were family businesses the grand parents would write the cookies. Now, the cookies are massed produced by corporations so you basically get Hallmark in starch.

I've also heard that pizza with cheese was an Italian American invention.

Anonymous said...

I have had a Puma® fortune cookie and a McDonalds® fortune cookie, parts of separate marketing campaigns. The Puma® fortune cookie informed me that my friends admire my great personal sense of style. My friends have since tried to deny this, but it feels good to know the truth.

Tabitha said...

I, too, would like useful information from my desert. Failing that, I would at least like some useful information from my dessert.

Ginger said...

haha! funny cartoon.
of course, you've probably heard the game where you end every fortune cookie with "in bed." it makes them funny since they're mostly boring these days.

Shortcake said...

and when you're done reading your advice cookie, turn it over for an engrish lesson!

BlogD said...

I too noticed the "desert" thing, and was going to point it out, but then realized that with Dan, it might not be a typo. I mean, really, don't you guys read what he writes?

Besides, I sympathize: back in my school days, the teacher had us play a form of "$64,000 Pyramid" (I sued when I just got a gold star), and I tried to describe "dessert" with words like "sand," "hot," and "vulture."

Anonymous said...

I once had a fortune cookie that read: "Help, I'm being held captive in fortune cookie factory."

Lisa said...

You are too amazing for words, Dan.

Andrew Wales said...

The night before I got married, I actually got a fortune in a cookie that read, "Chances are good that you will have a romantic encounter soon."

Dimestore Lipstick said...

The last time I got one with a prediction was about 5 years ago. It said "A close friend will finally get married".

Came true, too. One of my closest friends, who hade entered into and broken off five previous engagements, finally tied the knot.