Smells

Bizarro is brought to you today by A Good Read.

As many of my readers know, I'm not a fan of many of America's anti-smoking laws and I can honestly say that I'd hold the same opinion even if I didn't smoke. Quite frankly, blanket bans on public smoking verge on fascism. It proposes no health risk whatsoever to smell someone's cigarette, cigar or pipe as it wafts by in an unenclosed space. None. You could smell smoke in a public park every day for a thousand years and not get cancer. Tobacco smoke is not cyanide gas.

Allowing merchants to ban smoking in their establishment is fine. But to ban it in all buildings, regardless of the preferences of the owner, manager, or patrons is ridiculous. Why can't a bar owner in NYC decide for himself if he wants to allow smoking? No one is required to be in a bar. Proponents of these laws say that it exposes the employees to a health risk. First, the health risk of breathing second-hand smoke on the job is negligible, far less than eating meat and dairy. Second, no one is required to work there.

In California (and some other places) you can't smoke within 25 feet of a building. For those of you outside of California, this isn't a joke, they're actually protecting the health of bricks and masonry. This law is clearly nothing more than a vendetta against a habit that some people find unappealing.

There are plenty of habits I find unappealing, if I can get enough people behind me, does it make sense in a free society to ban them? I love music but hearing music that I did not choose to listen to at that moment bugs the crap out of me, for instance: In cars, stores, restaurants, taxis, nightclubs, you name it. Nine times out of ten it is something I do not have on my iPod and I can honestly say that it annoys me as much as smelling smoke annoys other people. I'm sure there are other people who feel the same way, shall we outlaw all music that is audible to more than the person who chose to play it?

I don't like ugly clothing or hairstyles, either. Let's ban them in all public buildings and within 25 feet of doorways. And in public parks and on beaches, too. Soda pop and junk food also disgust me and are as clear a long-term health risk as is smoking. Out you go. And don't get me started about some people's accents. A nasally southern twang makes me want to jump in front of a train.

I'm guessing that most people don't share my view and some may claim democracy and say the majority wins. But that's not really what a free society is about. It means we're all free to do what we choose if it isn't injuring others. An odor we find unpleasant isn't really injury, it's momentary inconvenience, as it is with music, ugly hairdos and twangy nose-talkers.

Mind you, I don't think smoking bans will ever be repealed, I'm just whining.

Snakes & Gay Sailors

Bizarro is brought to you
today by The Dog Throw.

Instead of discussing my "snake eyes" cartoon today, let's talk about a comic book story that a friend of mine sent me recently. This is a small story within a larger volume of (presumably tough-guy) war comics called "The Losers," circa early seventies. You'll want to click on each image to see the details and read the copy.


As you can see by the cover, even though we were up to our eyeballs in the Vietman War, this comic is about WWII.













On the title page of our story, Toro is a lovely young man with remarkably feminine characteristics. He has a Florence Henderson haircut, ties his fatigues to expose his abs, wears a belt from the Diana Ross Collection and what's that over his shoulder reaching for his pearl necklace? Oh, it's a fairy.







On page two, we find that not only is his walk "peculiar" but he talks like a 17th century dandy. He's also always "neat and clean" and I think we all know what that means. We can tell by the looks on the other sailors' faces that this makes them angry.









In case the reader has missed the subtle clues, on this next page they actually identify him as a "fairy." One sailor, whose arm movement is more than a little melodramatic, is curious to find out more about him and who can blame him? He's been at sea for a long time. But before he can so much as buy him a glass of Chardonnay, the unarmed group is confronted by hostiles bearing weapons and even one of the tough guys turns into a sniveling little girl.

The "manly" sailors run away, but Toro runs toward the enemy. This doesn't surprise us because we already know he is crazy. What we didn't know was that he has the ability to change a flower into a funny knife.










On the final page, one Japanese soldier jumps off a cliff rather than fight the fairy. If you're not familiar with WWII history, the Japanese were well known for this kind of cowardice, which is why they surrendered so easily and never flew manned planes into U.S. Navy ships. Further demonstrating his insanity (an appreciation of flowers and jewelry) Toro jumps to his death, too.

In the final frame we find out that the name "Toro" comes from a handmade knife which he carries "strapped to his thigh, under his pants" (which made me a little hot.) It is further explained to us that although he loved beautiful things, he loved freedom even more, in spite of the fact that he was not free to be a fairy in the Navy. All of this killing, shirt-tying and beautiful hair had driven him crazy. Or perhaps he just loved his country so much that he wished to relieve them of the unpleasant task of dealing with a homosexual among their ranks. Whatever the reason, he clearly did "not wish to remain".

I'm not going to say that the artist was gay but I do find the flower over Toro's anus somewhat provocative. Regardless, this was a daring story line for a '70s war comic. I'd love to know if the editors were making a case for gays in the military or if they were truly clueless. Remember, in those days gay characters were not on TV anywhere, were only rarely depicted in films (and usually with derision and/or pathos) and outside of progressive neighborhoods in San Francisco and New York, were not discussed in polite society. As a kid growing up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I didn't even know what homosexuality was until I was midway through high school and some rednecks called me a fag, presumably because I was not dressed like a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd. A story like this would have confused me completely.

What have we learned from this?
Gays can be just as ruthless as straights.
Gays have weapons hidden in their pants.
Be wary of people with flowers sticking out of their butts.

Racist Humor?

(For a larger view, click a peep)
Bizarro is brought to you today by Other Peeps.

Just as I predicted, I got an angry letter from someone who thought this cartoon was racist. It is my humble opinion that many Americans are confused about the very definition of the word, believing that any mention of a minority group in anything other than complimentary terms constitutes racism. They are wrong.

If this cartoon had implied that all African Americans dressed or talked this way, or were somehow inferior, untrustworthy, un-anything you'd have racism. All this cartoon does is depict an alternative meaning of a common phrase used by a common person in common dress. Yes, this character is a stereotype but he is one that roams my Brooklyn neighborhood in droves and the cartoon does not disparage him. It only depicts him. You may feel that stereotypes of any kind are wrong, but then you'd have to start complaining about every businessman or housewife or family dog in every cartoon you ever read. That would get tiresome, although I would doubtless get a lot of entertainment from the letters.

Cartoonists deal in stereotypes routinely, it is how we communicate. It is also what enables the reader to recognize the character and gives context to their predicament or dialogue. It is my opinion that calling everything racism detracts from actual racism.

It should be noted that the person who wrote to me wasn't even black. Oy vey.

King Kong Tennis

Bizarro is brought to you today by Larry King.

I like this Larry King Kong joke. The bottom title caption thingy is funny by itself and the humor is further advance by the reference to Skull Island, which is where Kong was captured. Not to be missed is the coffee cup which reads, "Marry Me," since Larry marries a lot of people. So there you have it – three jokes in one. Because I care about you.

Random thoughts of the week:
The USA won a World Cup game in the last minute of the match the other day and unlike my previous experiences with soccer, I found it exciting. In spite of my disparaging comments about soccer (football everywhere except the U.S.) a few days ago, I'm starting to get into the tournament. I still say the melodramatic diving is absurd (every time someone falls in apparent agony because he was tapped on the back I want to introduce him to the hockey player who, during the recent Stanley Cup Playoffs, had seven teeth knocked out by a puck, finished the game, had surgery the next day and played the next night), the officiating is laughable, and it's a bit slow for my taste, but I'm having fun with it. I like to listen to sports while I draw cartoons and look up when the commentator gets excited.

You may have heard that a truly historic tennis match happened at Wimbledon this week. Without going into how tennis is scored, the average match takes around 3 hours and around 50 games are played, often less. This one, between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, lasted 11 hours and five minutes, took three days to complete because it was called for darkness twice, incorporated 183 games and 980 points. That's more games in a single match than some players have to play to get all the way through a tournament and several different opponents to win the trophy for the entire thing. To put it into perspective, it would be like a baseball game that lasted fifty or sixty innings, like a football game that lasted 12 hours, like a soccer match that lasted 9 hours, like an election that lasted 6 weeks (oh, we had one of those), like a dumped lover eating three gallons of Haagen Dazs at one sitting.

Here is what the average score of a tennis set looks like:
Player A: 6 4 4 6 6
Player B: 3 6 6 3 4
Each number represents the number of games it took to win each of five sets. Player A wins the best of five.

Here's what this match looked like:
Isner: 6 3 6 7 70
Mahut: 4 6 7 6 68

How these guys remained standing and playing well is beyond anyone's guess. After the match, Mahut went home and cried a lot, Isner went on to lose his next match (a day later) quickly and mercifully, going home and downing three gallons of Haagen dazs.

Last random thought: We had a dandy time watching our buddy, Rhett Miller, play at the Bowery Hotel bar last night. Here's a pic of me, Rhett, CHNW, and Rich, Rhett's dentist, whom we've become friends with because he shows up at all of Rhett's gigs in NYC. And no, it was not Loud Shirt Night at Bowery Hotel last night, it was just a coincidence.












P.S. Rhett isn't naturally shiny, he had just finished playing and was sweaty. (Mmmmm...rock star sweat...)

Big Complaints

Bizarro is brought to you by Environmental Catastrophes.

I've seen a lot of cartoons on the BP spill but I've not seen this done. My friend, Richard Cabeza, had this idea and I really like it.

I'm not going to discuss the spill much other than to say it is a heartbreaking catastrophe of our own making. An even larger catastrophe is commercial fishing in the past 100 years. Experts estimate as much as 90% of large fish are gone from he oceans as a result. The ocean is the weather engine of the planet. We screw that up, the whole thing implodes.

On a slightly different note, I found a YouTube video of a Texas guy calling Jimmy Dean Sausage to complain. It is hilarious, tragic, and says a lot about what's wrong with us. Don't know whether to laugh or cry.

It has a lot of what many people consider to be "bad language" so I'm only providing the link, as opposed to posting the actual video. Gotta keep my site mostly family friendly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4RNb3tt0LM

Tough Guy, Ugly Baby, Free Show

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tough Guys.

Writing this cartoon made me wonder how long it will be before there is a "reality" show featuring actual boxers who have to perform feats of dexterity while wearing their gloves. Like typing or tying a shoe. Could happen.
This is one of those silly cartoons that has no particular point to it, which I mentioned in a blog a few days ago.

I suppose you could say the next cartoon is in the same category. I actually got this idea from my sister who recently became a grandmother, not that her grandson looks anything like this. She laughingly said she didn't know if it was genetic programming or what, but she honestly thought her new grandson was the cutest baby she'd ever seen.

It is genetic programming, of course, not just in her case but in the case of all mammals. If we didn't think our babies were cute as hell, nothing would stop us from smothering them the first time they woke us up in the middle of the night screaming. Scientists actually call this "the cute gene," and all species that need care as infants have it. Ones that are capable of surviving on their own the minute they're born aren't "cute," they just look like miniature adults. Snakes are an example. So, probably, was Ann Coulter.

On a happier note, Thursday night here in NYC is an art show at the Bowery Hotel. Performing a couple of live acoustic sets at the show is my friend Rhett Miller, solo artist and front man/singer/songwriter for Old 97s. He's amazing live – very energetic – and his songs are killer good. Go here for info, the show is free and I'll be there with CHNW, for sure. For an additional 40% off the cover charge, tell them Bizarro sent you. As I said, the show is free.

World Cup Confession

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Excitement of the World Cup!!!

I've been watching a bit of the World Cup lately and I'll be honest, I'm having trouble getting into it. I used to play a bit of soccer and enjoyed that, but watching it is dull to me. It's the same game as hockey, which I love, except that in hockey the field is small, the players move quickly, there is lots of action and violence and skill and excitement of all kinds every few seconds. In contrast, soccer seems mostly to be a wide-angle view of a huge park with a lot of similarly dressed people jogging in it.

I know this will irritate soccer fans, sorry about that, and it is the most popular sport in the world so clearly I'm missing something that millions of others see. But I cannot lie to myself any longer. It bores me.

One other thing that I find untenable about soccer is the habit of every player on every team to fall to the ground and fake an injury with all the dramatic skill of a professional wrestler every time they are brushed against. This flies in the face of everything my father taught me about sportsmanship. I find it simultaneously insulting and laughable.

That being said, I hope everyone who enjoys soccer has a jazztown hootenanny good time watching the World Cup this year! Seriously. It's always nice when countries can get together and only pretend to hurt each other.

Super Saturday!

(For the bigness that this cartoon has to offer, click the dang thing.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Baggy Pants Fashion.

Remember that famous photo of Marilyn Monroe standing over a subway grate with her skirt blowing up? Sadly, that never actually happens in New York but the scene above happens every day. And subway grates aren't the only problem. We don't get a lot of windy thunderstorms here, but on the rare occasion that we do, several young men in clown-sized clothing go missing. Sometimes they show up in Jersey or Connecticut, sometimes they are whisked out to sea, only to wash up on the shore a week later as a fashionably-dressed bloated corpse.

I've participated in some stupid fashions in my day, but none of them lasted as long as the giant-pants fad has. As long as I live, I will never understand it.

On the plus side, it's a guaranteed laugh every time I leave the house.

PLUS!!!

Since it is SuperSaturday, here are a couple of bonus cartoons based on ideas from my buddy, Cliff. He wrote a cool emoticon gag for me a year-or-so ago that ran in Parade Magazine. By using your eyes, you may see it below.










And since I am cartoon rich and cash poor, here is one more bonus cartoon. This one was written by Cliff's son, Nicco, who is 9 or 11 or something like that. Kids say the darnedest things. (And why shouldn't they? The darnedest things happen!!!!)

Knowledge is Power

I just found these two videos this morning and they are truly amazing.

This first one describes in scientific terms the anthropological history of human empathy and how some of us have extended our compassion to other species and the planet.



The second one describes the psychological and social nature of different time zones and cities and how it affects our mentality and health.



Each is ten minutes long but will fly by because of the revolutionary way in which they are presented with visual and verbal information in an easy-to-absorb formula. A brilliant way to appeal to both verbal and visual learners simultaneously.

Do yourself a favor and watch them both. If you dig these half as much as I did, you'll be halfway to China.

Robot Muscles

Bizarro is brought to you today Roadside Robots.

Two more cartoons today, what a week it has been for more than one cartoon! First is the robot cartoon that comments on our species' regrettable ability to destroy everything we touch, usually for important reasons like personal comfort, sensory pleasure, and convenience. It's not like it's ever going to stop, but then neither will I stop complaining about it so maybe that evens out.

Next is a joke about exercising only a single part of your body. I've explored this theme at least a couple of times before, once with a guy who's right side is totally lumpy like a weightlifter and the other side is skinny. The other appears in my book, "Bizarro and Other Strange Manifestations of the Art of Dan Piraro," and is posted below.

Theoretically, it seems it should be possible to work certain facial muscles to the point that they bulge. I wonder if this will ever become a fad.

Click the image to enlarge it so you can read the caption from the book. That book is out of print now, but can still be bought here. You'll love it and I'll have more room in my garage. Seriously.

Fancy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Superstition.

Here are two cartoons again, since I'm still playing catchup. The first one means nothing, I just wanted to play with the term "fancy pants." Lately I've been playing with comics that are just silly, not particularly clever or witty. It's fun sometimes.

The next cartoon is about politics in general and wasn't really meant as a defense of Obama per se, but it was taken that way by at least one angry genius. Here is the email I received from him:

It must be hard to write a comic strip while holding obama's PECKER in your mouth. I don't remember you taking up for bush. Maybe you should make a comic about a hypocrite cartoonist who can't leave politics out of the funny papers. Never mind, you already do that. Idiot.

And my response:
Thanks for the note. You're right, I never took up for Bush, he was a retarded cowboy who could scarcely finish a sentence, much less lead a country. Obama is a brilliant man with a great deal of dignity, compassion, and respect for our constitution. Though I don't agree with many of his policies, at least he is not utterly destroying America at home and abroad, as "W" most certainly did. Not a matter of opinion, a matter of historical record.

By the way, I'm not required to leave politics out of the funny papers. You seem confused about that point, as well as the meaning of the word "hypocrite."

I rarely answer emails like this one in anger, but this guy seemed to need a slap in the face. I know he didn't care but it made me feel better to write it. I'm only human.

Happy Cows

Bizarro is brought to you today by Where Babies Come From.

Just got back to town last night after four days away. If you're keeping a log of my whereabouts, I was in Los Angeles on Thursday night doing some "comedy" (quotation marks are indicative of the subjective nature of the comedy I did) at the premiere of Skin Trade, a movie about where the cute little fur collars, cuffs, jackets and hats everyone is wearing come from. If you're willing to wear fur, you should be willing to watch this film. That's all I'm going to say about it.

Friday I flew home, loaded up the BMW and drove up to Woodstock Sanctuary for our annual June Jamboree. The weather sucked for June – chilly and drizzly – but the event was a success nonetheless. Yay.

Here's two cartoons, to catch up from my lack of posts over the last few days. I hope they give you a chuckle.

And here is a strange video taken at Woodstock over the weekend. We had no idea this would happen and have never seen the steer acting this way before. Normally, they are very sedentary. You can count on one hand the number of times they take more than two steps at a time in a given month. I guess they just like Three Dog Night.

Sevenly Puns

(You can make this cartoon big and pretty by clicking on the second violinist's hair bun.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Puns.

I'm off to Woodstock in a few minutes for our June Jamboree, so I don't have much time. Here is the seventh of my Sunday Punnies series. If you want to see your pun in the paper, send it to me via email (see Bizarro.com for addy) or leave it in the comments section of one of my blog posts. It must be original – I don't want to do puns that have been floating around the Internet or whatever, you dig? And you must be willing to donate it free of charge, no strings attached.

Gotta hit the highway, kids. Be groovy.

Baloney Show Redux

After many years of people asking me to post video of my comedy shows, I finally managed to get one on the web. Go here to see clips from my full-length, elaborate, one-man comedy show which hasn't been performed in its entirety since '08 and will likely never be performed again – The Bizarro Baloney Show. This is the one I debuted in The New York International Fringe Festival in '02 and won "Best Solo Show" for. I also got a nice review in The New York Times, but, alas, nobody reads that shameless left-wing rag.

And the same folks that put up the comedy show clip have further demonstrated their twisted sense of reality by attempting to get me nominated for a Kennedy Center Honor. Yes, it's ridiculous, but the best things in life always are! Here's how you can help.

Fleas and Thank You

Bizarro is brought to you today by Seeing Eye Dogs.

Here's an alternate take on the "my wife doesn't understand me" cartoon cliche. I like using standard cartoon setups in new ways, not sure why, just do.

I don't like to blow my own horn but someone sent me a link to the nicest thing anyone has ever written about me and I cannot resist passing it along. (If that link doesn't work, try this url: http://blog.cagle.com/greenberg/2010/06/08/bizarrely-acknowledged/ )Plus, if it gets a lot of hits, maybe they'll write more nice things about me and eventually people will begin to believe them. I hope you don't lose respect for me.



I may not post for a few days, have to run out to L.A. to host a movie premiere Thursday night – not the new Jake Gyllenhaal Hollywood blockbuster, but a documentary about the fur trade. Come by and say hi if you're around. CHNW and I are interviewed in the film, maybe we come off like dweebs, I have no idea as I haven't seen it yet.

Then Saturday I may be motorbiking up to Woodstock Sanctuary to attend our annual June Jamboree. Come by there for sure, it's way fun and a great way to knock down a couple hours on a summer afternoon. Be sure to find me and say hello if you do. I like people who say hello.

Naughty Priests

Bizarro is brought to you today by Unconventional Clerics.

I probably should have predicted that this cartoon would receive some complaints but I didn't. I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic Schools, was even an altar boy, and even though I am atheist now, one thing I've always liked about Catholics – over some other Christian denominations I've been acquainted with – is that they tend to have a pretty good sense of humor about their beliefs. That doesn't include every Catholic, obviously, so objections and outrage were expressed.

My suspicion is that the outrage wasn't as much about this cartoon as about public scrutiny of Catholics in general. Because some Catholic priests have been under attack in recent years for their improprieties with children, some Catholics are more sensitive than they might otherwise be.

Here's my amateur "expert" opinion on the pedophilia situation, and remember, it's worth what you're paying for it:

Nobody determines their sexual appetite, it just happens to us. Gay, straight, fat, thin, young, old, blonde, brunette, we like what we like and we can't change that. Many people with unpopular or even illegal sexual proclivities – homosexuals, pedophiles – are raised to feel guilty about their desires and some attempt to take refuge in the celibacy of the priesthood. I seriously doubt any of these priests joined the priesthood with the intention of molesting anyone. My guess is that they thought that their faith and lifestyle within the church would protect them from their desires. But sexual desire is among the strongest forces known in nature and most people cannot keep theirs at bay forever. So they give in and then go to great lengths to try to hide it.

I think it bears noting that there has never been a shortage of priests who break their vows of celibacy in legal ways, but they don't make headlines because they have not broken the law and the sex was consensual. Celibacy is a bitch, no matter who you are or what your reasons. (You may quote me.)

This is in no way meant to imply that homosexuals are pedophiles or that homosexuality is even in the same class of socially dangerous behavior. I only grouped them together here in the category of "sexual orientations likely to cause guilt." While sex with children is a devastating act that can never be condoned and guilt is therefore appropriate, we have only ourselves to blame for making homosexuals feel guilty about relations between consenting adults. The notion that homosexuality between consenting adults is "wrong" is archaic and, quite frankly, idiotic. Even more idiotic are people who think that anyone "chooses" their sexual orientation. If you are one of these people, ask yourself if you chose yours. Now ask yourself if you could completely change those desires if you put your mind to it – become gay if you're straight, or vice versa. Of course not.

Regarding this cartoon, just as the vast majority of priests have not molested children, I suspect that virtually none share what they hear in confession. The preposterous nature of the scenario is what makes it funny. If it's funny at all, of course.

That's my take on the predatory priest situation. For what it's worth, in all the years I was a kid in the church, no one ever said or did anything to me that was in the least inappropriate. Which, to be honest, made me feel ugly and undesirable.*

*Kidding. No more complaints, please.

Super Babies

Bizarro is brought to you today by Labor Pains.

I like this cartoon because I don't like people who take their kids too seriously. It is natural to think your baby is special: smarter, cuter, cleverer, stronger, faster, quicker, more intelligent, more talented. It's fine, it feels good, it's as it should be, but it is important to realize that it isn't true. It is a simple trick of evolution. If we weren't irrationally in love with our own babies, we'd kill them the first time they woke us up at 4am or puked into our hair. The simple truth that your ancient parental programming is hiding from you is this: your kid is average.

I raised two daughters to be happy, productive adults, so I have some experience in this matter, and, I am a self-proclaimed, unlicensed expert on human psychology and childhood development. As hard as your brain fights to battle my assertion, do yourself a favor and try to consider that I might be right.

Mathematically speaking, your kid has as much chance of being anything but average as you do of winning the lottery, and, as they say, the lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. Overwhelming odds say your kid is average. Almost all of us are. That's the definition of the word.

And it means your precious little angel will be happy and healthy having an average childhood in which it plays with a ball, scribbles with crayons, and chews on a rag doll. It doesn't need Mozart in the crib or a French-speaking au pair or mommy/baby yoga class or chess lessons or tennis camp. And it most certainly does not need your constant interference and direction. Don't force yuppie activities on your kid seven days a week in hopes of developing the next superstar at something or other. What you'll develop is the next Lindsay Lohan. Your kid will hate you in the long run and everyone else will hate you now.

What your kid does need is affection and common sense discipline. If you don't have that to give then god help you both.

(This post is only meant for other people, of course, not you. Your kid actually is amazing and all the other parents are jealous. But let's keep it just between us. :)

DOG NEEDS A HELMET

Stinging Whiskers

(To view this cartoon as large and clear as a plexiglass barn, click on a bee.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hirsute Alphabet.

I've always been fascinated by any attempt to build a beard out of something other than facial hair. Who isn't, am I right? Waffle beards, wax beards, carpet goatees, sideburns of mango skins, they're all amazing in their own right. But the top of the heap, as far as replacement facial hair substances go, is live, stinging insects.

This cartoon idea came from my friend, colleague, and occasional collaborator, He Who is Known as Wayno. Wayno has a beard of earthworms, as he is allergic to bee stings and could be killed quite easily by a stunt such as the one shown here. I admire his efforts but have to say that it is not as riveting as one made of bees. In fact, it's pretty disgusting and he must lie flat on the ground at all times to keep them from just sliding off his face. Sometimes he wonders if it is even worth it.

I've read that there is a man in Australia who plans to attempt to outdo the beard of bees early next year with a mustache made of sharks. Let's all wish him well.

To see more art by Wayno, a genuinely nice man whom you can feel good about supporting, go to these places:
Nice Butts
Hot Chicks
Total Hunks

God's Lice

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Heavens.

I was musing one day about people's various ideas of "heaven." The idea of an afterlife of any kind is not one that I embrace at all, I think it is no more likely than a pre-life, of which there was most certainly none to my knowledge. Sorry if I offended any reincarnation believers, it just isn't something I can accept. If it works for you, go for it.

I've done a lot of cartoons about the cliche heaven with angels and clouds and while writing gags a few weeks ago, I suddenly thought; what if they aren't clouds? What if we were lice in God's beard? To my mind, it makes as much sense as any of the other ideas I was brought up with and it gives me a chuckle. In fact, there has likely been a culture that believed something similar; just about anything you can imagine about the origin of the anything, the meaning of life, the consequences and conditions of birth and death have been thought of before and had an alter built about them. Why not bugs in God's beard?

So there's the genesis of this cartoon. If there is a god, I hope he/she/it isn't mad at me for making so many jokes about religion. I'm just trying to make people smile. Honest. (fingers crossed)

Stress Musings

Bizarro is brought to you today by Auto Obesity.

My life is a big gooey slithering wombat of stress right now. I'm working on a couple of big projects outside of Bizarro (details later, maybe), CHNW and I are preparing to sell our place in Brooklyn and move away from NYC (a feat of idiotic proportions considering the clutter of our house is rivaled only by the seething demonic chaos of all the crap we have stored in the basement), and my finances and psyche are in disarray. Those last two things are more or less a constant, but it certainly doesn't help at times like this.

Why am I telling you this? Because I can't afford a therapist and since I live in NYC, I can't afford a bartender, either. A single beer in NY costs as much as a six pack of fine foreign ale, a cocktail is as much as a bottle. Just one of the many reasons we're ready to leave the Big App.

But then there are my friends, whom I love even though I am not terrifically social and only see them a few times a year. I will miss them. And we'll miss the cool concerts up at Woodstock Sanctuary. So is this the right thing to do? The climate here puts me in such a dark funk so many months out of the year that I see my decision to move to warmer environs as a matter of self defense, so on that level it seems very right. Maybe even necessary.

I haven't completely decided what to do yet, but thanks for listening. Meanwhile, it's back to my life: a joke-a-day or starve in the streets.