Friday, November 13, 2009

Raising or Selling Your Offspring


Bizarro is brought to you today by DO NOT CLICK THIS!

I'm no expert on child rearing, but I raised two daughters to adulthood without a single unwanted pregnancy or brush with the law. Both are well-adjusted adults in long-term relationships and claim to be happy, so I must have done a decent job.

But no matter how well you do with your kids, at some point they will end up needing therapy. This cartoon is a simple, albeit surreal acknowledgment of that fact.

But the inevitable screwing-up of your kids despite your best efforts does not mean you shouldn't at least try to do your best, or raise them the way the Dahmers raised Jeffrey.

If you want kids like mine (because those are the only ones I know how to produce), follow these simple guidelines:

1. Make sure they know you love them, even when they screw up.

2. Make sure they know their life is their own not yours– if they succeed, the trophy has their name on it, not yours. If they mess up, the mugshot is of them, not you.

3. Don't lie to them. If you tell them that marijuana is as dangerous as crystal meth, they'll eventually figure out that isn't true and discard everything you ever told them. If you act all high and mighty about sex and they find out you lost your virginity at 17, you're sunk.

4. Give them knowledge, then trust them to use it to make their own decisions. Knowledge never hurt anyone who wasn't already going to find a way to get into trouble anyway. Tell them the truth about sex, drugs, politics, religion, history, and then tell them those are just your opinions and you're as fallible as the next guy. In the end, they'll have to weigh that info against their own experiences and make up their own minds.

5. Don't be a hypocritical simple-minded nitwit. Your kids are more likely to be like you than anyone else on the planet. Be the person you want your kids to be.

6. Treat your kid with respect, the way you would want their spouse to treat them one day. If you treat them well, they'll expect that from their friends and lovers. If a guy tries to treat your daughter poorly and she's not used to that at home, she'll kick him to the curb.

7. If all of the above doesn't work and your kid is still a complete jackass, always in trouble, torturing small animals in the basement and stealing from your neighbors, sell him or her to the black market organ trade and get some of your money back. Someone who might contribute positively to society could benefit from a new liver or kidney.

That's all I know, keep in mind I'm not an expert, only a cartoonist. Your results may vary.

13 comments:

doug nicodemus said...

wow you got you blog back on...way to go...why do they call them off-spring anyway...i have never understood that...

Hamza and Adi said...

It is rare to come across work that is both ironic and funny in the same panel

Anonymous said...

"If all of the above doesn't work and your kid is still a complete jackass, always in trouble, torturing small animals in the basement and stealing from your neighbors, sell him or her to the black market organ trade and get some of your money back. Someone who might contribute positively to society could benefit from a new liver or kidney"
Lol!
I'll probably be having kids in the next few years (engagement leads to marriage, which usually leads to kids), and the thing that scares me the most is having a jackass for a kid. I mean, most people are awful, so chances are, my kid will be awful. Then I'll end up despising them like most people. Lame.
My fiance tells me that if we raise them well that won't happen. I can only hope.

Jym said...

=v= If I say I want kids like yours, now that they've grown into attractive adults, will you be suiting up to look like the DO NOT CLICK THIS! guy? Or would that be the responsibility of the folks they're in happy long-term relationships with?

=5= You had me up until #5. Being a hypocritical simple-minded nitwit is the right of all Americans. Be prepared for another barrage of comments about eeleetist lib'rul veganism and such.

Anonymous said...

Refreshingly sensible parenting (and aunt/uncling) advice. I mean it; refreshing like a swim in a cool pool on a hot day!

(Except the part you told us not to click on... ewwwww!!!!)

Lori said...

bravo. i applaud heartily.

Anonymous said...

Okay, but...you don't necessarily know that your daughters were never pregnant. My parents were pretty surprised to find out about it twenty years later. I wonder if they had been patting themselves on the back all that time.

KleoPatra said...

i love this post!! And the 'toon is fantastic... but so what else is new, nu!?

Denise said...

Well said and well done!

patrick said...

I should never have clicked on the "DO NOT CLICK THIS!" link. My retinas still ache...

vladhed said...

Good stuff as usual Dan,

Anonymous#1: don't worry about your kids being jackasses: The fact that you care improves the odds that they too will care. don't be afraid to control who they hang with - change schools, move to another city/neighbourhood if you have to.

Anonymous said...

I'm having a baby very soon AND A GIRL so you're insight is very helpful. (I didn't know you could sell your offspring for their kidneys. That's one to grow on.)

Keep up the funny, you funny, funny man.

Sandra said...

...or buying your offspring. There's a whole extra layer of humour in this brilliant spot for those of us who are adopted, or purchased 'a la carte' at the fertility clinic.
Thank you.