Friday, November 13, 2009
Bizarro is brought to you today by DO NOT CLICK THIS!
I'm no expert on child rearing, but I raised two daughters to adulthood without a single unwanted pregnancy or brush with the law. Both are well-adjusted adults in long-term relationships and claim to be happy, so I must have done a decent job.
But no matter how well you do with your kids, at some point they will end up needing therapy. This cartoon is a simple, albeit surreal acknowledgment of that fact.
But the inevitable screwing-up of your kids despite your best efforts does not mean you shouldn't at least try to do your best, or raise them the way the Dahmers raised Jeffrey.
If you want kids like mine (because those are the only ones I know how to produce), follow these simple guidelines:
1. Make sure they know you love them, even when they screw up.
2. Make sure they know their life is their own not yours– if they succeed, the trophy has their name on it, not yours. If they mess up, the mugshot is of them, not you.
3. Don't lie to them. If you tell them that marijuana is as dangerous as crystal meth, they'll eventually figure out that isn't true and discard everything you ever told them. If you act all high and mighty about sex and they find out you lost your virginity at 17, you're sunk.
4. Give them knowledge, then trust them to use it to make their own decisions. Knowledge never hurt anyone who wasn't already going to find a way to get into trouble anyway. Tell them the truth about sex, drugs, politics, religion, history, and then tell them those are just your opinions and you're as fallible as the next guy. In the end, they'll have to weigh that info against their own experiences and make up their own minds.
5. Don't be a hypocritical simple-minded nitwit. Your kids are more likely to be like you than anyone else on the planet. Be the person you want your kids to be.
6. Treat your kid with respect, the way you would want their spouse to treat them one day. If you treat them well, they'll expect that from their friends and lovers. If a guy tries to treat your daughter poorly and she's not used to that at home, she'll kick him to the curb.
7. If all of the above doesn't work and your kid is still a complete jackass, always in trouble, torturing small animals in the basement and stealing from your neighbors, sell him or her to the black market organ trade and get some of your money back. Someone who might contribute positively to society could benefit from a new liver or kidney.
That's all I know, keep in mind I'm not an expert, only a cartoonist. Your results may vary.