Thursday, October 1, 2009

Frank Sex Talk

Bizarro is brought to you today by Favourites.

Let's talk about my sex life, shall we? Not really my sex life, but my inability to make the sex happen with a new acquaintance, like our friend Mr. Hornybull is attempting to do in this cartoon.

It is my impression that there exist human males who can approach females unknown to them, engage them in conversation, and end up mating with them in less than 24 hours. This is a skill I cannot fathom.

As for myself, I am hopelessly shy around attractive women whom I do not know. I find it virtually impossible to speak to a woman to whom I am attracted without a proper introduction. I feel as though no matter what my opening line is, I will come off like a desperate dweeb looking for sex. Even if I'm not. (Looking for sex – I have no control over the dweeb part.)

Fortunately for me, I have a different skill and that is the ability to lure attractive women into making the first move. I have no idea how I do it, but all of the relationships I've been in have started because someone I found attractive talked to me first. Perhaps there are women who find the desperate-dweeb-too-shy-to-talk-to-women look irresistible. Whatever it is, thank the gods of physical love that I have it. Without it, I'd still be a virgin.

I'm not saying I have any control over this ability or could make it happen every weekend if I wanted. I am not the sort of person who cruises for sex, so I've never tested the limits. When in a relationship, I am loyal and not tempted to stray and I like being in a committed relationship. So there have only been a few times in my post-high school life when I was "available" and looking to meet someone.

Women, on the other hand, don't have this problem. If a woman wants sex, all she has to do is leave the house. It's a simple matter of anthropology and evolution: men will do it with any willing female, women get to choose. (Gross generalization, yes, but mostly true.)

I hope this frank discussion of the human sex act has been informative and educational. And remember guys, when a woman says "moo," she means it. Unless she winks, lifts up her blouse and shows you her udders.

8 comments:

Leo said...

Just leave the house - I wish it were that easy for a woman!

Incorporeal Bob said...

If a woman wants sex, all she has to do is leave the house.

I think, Dan, you are marginalizing to the point of invisibility a considerable minority of women who do not actually have it that easy at all, due to weight problems for one common reason.

You would also receive disagreement from many women who will choose a different definition of "sex" than you probably have in mind. "Being seen in public with a man for an entire evening, followed in private by an hour of devoted foreplay, leading to consumation", versus "insertion".

Robin said...

I happen to think Captain "the Shat" Kirk is hot.

Anonymous said...

"As for myself, I am hopelessly shy around attractive women whom I do not know. I find it virtually impossible to speak to a woman to whom I am attracted without a proper introduction. I feel as though no matter what my opening line is, I will come off like a desperate dweeb looking for sex. Even if I'm not. (Looking for sex – I have no control over the dweeb part.)"

-You are not alone my friend. Wonder if there's a Tshirt for the predicament as witty as the handicap "for the parking".

Cheers

mooP said...

Conan O'Brien told a similar joke during his monologue on Monday night, did you see?

Anonymous said...

This blog reminds me of vegas. Cat and the Monkey boy. Remember that? Think about it. ha ha It's not that it's easy to get woman in 24 hours for some men, it's just being in the right place with a desperate woman. ha ha

_Monkeyboy

Anonymous said...

you are soooo weird...but yet your comix rock! haha the one today sunday the 4th of oct.was awesome, me and my brother only figured out the 1st and second but not the one where it says to aunty em, to wendy, to elvis lol! YOU ROCK WEIRDO!

SexualFantasy said...

just found your blog posts and I am very intrigued. You can get satisfied from my blog just by your imagination lol