Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy and Erect Fourth!

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Phallic Police.

I'm not a doctor, but I saw one on TV. So I feel fully qualified to say that I'll bet 90% of so-called "erectile dysfunction" is caused by poor blood circulation brought on by fat in the viens caused by a crappy diet. We eat garbage and too much of it, then complain because it ruins our bodies, then drug companies design a work-around so you can have your chili cheese fries and boner, too. Until you drop dead, of course.

So instead, let's address Independence Day. I was fortunate to grow up in a less civilized place and time when it was both legal and socially acceptable to hand a grocery bag full of explosives to a child and send him outside to play. My siblings, cousins, friends and I did this each year, blowing up our toys, the local flora, items from the trash, and occasionally each other. Sure, an occasional finger or eye was sacrificed to "independence," but what good is a democracy without some wounded veterans?

As teens we graduated to bottle rocket fights, which entailed making a "gun" by attaching a handle of some kind to a piece of plastic pipe, loading a bottle rocket into the pipe, lighting it, pointing it at your opponent, and laughing as they ducked the airborne incendiary. Large groups of us would go to an industrial park or gravel pit, divide up into two armies and shoot at each other till we ran out of ammo. Casualties were anonymously deposited on their parents' front porch and most people just chalked it up to another teen lost to the cause of freedom.

Now, thanks to the godless, homosexual girlyman liberals, there are laws against explosives inside city limits and children are not allowed to leave the house without safety helmets and proof of insurance. I wonder how we expect to defend our way of life in the future if youngsters are not accustomed to working with explosives.

I never thought I'd live to see this day (with my one good eye.)

9 comments:

Waldo said...

Great work, keep it up.... (pun intended)

Anonymous said...

Pretty funny, but as far as the godless liberals, are you not godless yourself?

jonathan said...

I have a feeling we might have been in the same fireworks fight...or maybe it's just a Oklahoma thing...

Karl said...

Like the old saying goes... "You know what they say about men with big ears" (or something like that).

Anonymous said...

But see a doctor if you keep it up for longer than 4 hours...

Hermite said...

That was so funny, both the blog and the cartoon. Thanks for the laughs.

doug nicodemus said...

the separation anxiety was a hahahaha and today's was too...you are on a roll big guy...can i use the island under water one at www.censys.com/blog ???

PIRARO said...

@Anonymous...
Yes, I am both liberal and godless. Just having some Oklahoma-style fun.:)

@doug Nicodemus...
Probably, but I got a "Not Found" message when I tried to go there.

Jodie said...

Sometimes I wonder how we ever managed to grow up without all the senseless safety labels and precautions of today. LOL. Life was a bit saner and more fun back in the 60s and 70s when I was a child and teen.