Thursday, July 9, 2009

Armor vs. Reebok

Today's Bizarro is brought to you be People Puppies.

When I see a movie in which ancient warriors are whacking away at each other with 15 lbs. swords, in heavy armor and skirts and sandals, I always imagine how easy it would be to defeat them if you had a pair of good, modern running shoes and a lightweight sword. While they are struggling in slow motion under the weight of their equipment, just run around behind them and stab them in the ass.

If you're now saying "But Dan, since you're traveling back in time with modern athletic shoes, why not just bring a gun, too?" shut up right now. This is my fantasy, and I want it to be at least a little bit fair. Any ape with a trigger finger can defeat pre-gun opponents if they're wielding a gun. Where's the honor in that?

If you're now saying, "But Dan, where is the honor in any fight against ancient people with whom you have no quarrel? Aren't you just trying to say, 'look how smart I am with my fast modern shoes and lighter weapon? Don't you feel silly now in all that gigantic, macho armor? Who's the tough guy now?' " didn't I just tell you to shut up?

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dude, thanks for the pic of those vibram shoes! I didn't know such things existed. I'm gonna order a pair :)

behrmark said...

Thanks for today's laugh.

I know, shut up.

Jessica Sandoval said...

Hahaha,
Dan, I can't help
but laugh every time I read
your blog... you're so hilarious!

Whoops, sorry, I foergot I was told to shut up!

JohnM said...

Dan,

You seem to be in a feisty mood today, so here's a question for you regarding Romulus & Remus: What's your stand as a vegan regarding wolf's milk? Was the mom wolf being exploited or did maternal instinct cause her to offer her teats freely? Is the consumption of animal products/animals acceptable if it's the only nourishment available and the alternative is death?

kreisler said...

Shut up, Dan.

RSJ said...

Somewhere I read the success of the Roman Legions owed to the fact that they carried big shields and small, light swords, and their opponents tended to be the guys with the large heavy lances and weighty broadswords. That and the fact that they covered up into a 'turtle' formation where they used their big shields to protect themselves from arrows, stones and spears. (Discipline didn't hurt either.)

Could one lone cartoonist in running shoes and a steel-reinforced aluminum sword defeat them, perhaps by surprising them while they're doubled over in laughter? (From reading your cartoons, of course.) Who knows?

Thank you, I will take that opportunity to shut up now.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the cartoon of July 10th, 2009. Apparently a woman has disrobed and jumped out of an open window. What looks like a giant syringe is seen on the pillow on the couch. Is it a psychiatrist's couch? Is the man in the doorway a psychiatrist? Is he happy because he imagines the woman has disrobed for his pleasure? I don't get it. Please explain and, if possible, notify me at wayburn@dematerialism.net.

PIRARO said...

@JohnM...
each species has its optimum diet and no reasonable human would deny them that, vegan or otherwise. Humans don't need animal protein beyond their own mother's milk and our pursuit of it is cruel to animals, brutal on the environment, bad for our bodies.

@Kreisler...
No, YOU shut up.

@Anonymous...
The July 10 cartoon was a man returning home from work to find his lover's clothing spread out on the floor as though she was instigating romance, but she has jumped out the window, an apparent suicide. The image on the pillow is a firecracker, something I slip into most of my cartoons for no particular reason.

Tom Wayburn said...

Thank for the explanation.

Tom Wayburn, Houston, Texas
http://dematerialism.net/

Anonymous said...

I don't get today's comic, with the man walking into the door "K2".

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad to see that my mother and I weren't the only ones who didn't understand the July 10th cartoon.

migueljacero said...

For the 7/10 comic, then, is the irony that, instead of the panties and clothes leading to the bedroom, they lead out the window? I have to say, I enjoyed speculating today about the possible meaning of the comic, because I just didn't see the gag in an apparent naked suicide.

Laura said...

Roman warriors in heels! Yay! Only on Bizzaro Blog.

Karl said...

I don't think I'll ever be able to watch the movie Ben Hur again without envisioning Roman soldiers racing chariots sporting stilettos and fishnet stockings; thanks Dan.

RSJ said...

Only viewers of the defunct 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' will get this, but Roman Legionnaires also remind me of that 'Hanes for slaves' line from MST3.