Friday, June 19, 2009

Muggers

Bizarro is brought to you today by Mug Shots.

I've never been mugged, but I'm sure it's a harrowing experience that would bother me for a long time. I've been in a couple of impromptu street scuffles in the past five years, just because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it's pretty awful. I didn't get anything more than a fat lip and a few bruises, fortunately, but it is not the sort of activity I'm anxious to get into again. Even though the stories are fun to tell later.

One was when my wife and I were freezing cold and looking for a cab late at night in NYC. We finally got one to stop and a drunk guy jumped into the cab ahead of us after I opened the door. The driver said, "No, I stopped for them." I said, "That's our cab." The drunk guy said, "I don't think so!" and continued to climb in. The only thing left outside the cab was his shin, so I gave it a good hard kick. I was wearing dress shoes, so it must have hurt a lot. He jumped out and came after me, shouting something like, "Did you just kick me, you motherf*cker?!" I took it as a rhetorical question and did not answer. In his inebriated state, I was able to dodge him as he pursued me around in circles. Meanwhile, CHNW jumped into the cab, I followed, and we took off. All's well that ends well.

The other time was in Rome when we were walking with another American couple down a busy shopping street on a sunny, Sunday afternoon. All of us are animal rights folks, so when we passed a fur store, CHNW and the female half of the other couple both spat on the sidewalk in front of it. We didn't know until we had walked another 25 feet down the street that the family that owns the store had seen us. Apparently, spitting in Italy is more serious than here.

Four people rushed out of the store – a couple in their 40s and a couple in their 70s – and we turned to confront them. With words, or so we thought. For a few seconds, the womenfolk were content to shout at each other in their native languages. But suddenly, up to the forefront rushed the 70-year-old man. Think Robert Deniro in Raging Bull, with white hair. Without warning, he punched our friend's wife right in the jaw and knocked her down. Unpleasantness ensued, including punching, kicking, scratching and screaming.

Fortunately, passersby pulled us apart after a couple of minutes and we all went our separate ways. None of our attackers spoke English, none of us spoke Italian, so we can only assume we were fighting about the same thing.

Before we spit on the sidewalk in front of any more Italian-owned fur stores, CHNW and I are going to take one of these self defense courses.

These are completely unexaggerated, true stories, by the way.

10 comments:

tomlogic said...

Synchronicity? Today's Straight Dope column answers the question, "Has martial arts training ever helped anybody defeat a mugger?".

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2874/has-martial-arts-training-ever-helped-anybody-defeat-a-mugger

Cooder's Cranium said...

funny how different the lack of a mustache can make a person look.

Jeremy said...

I like this one, Dan. This toon feels like you have gone back to your roots. I saw your first book at a book store the other day and I started to remember why I liked your comic so much.

I know its a bit of a cliche. It maybe be that I have changed, but I feel your toon has changed in the past few years.

Here's hoping for more toons like this one.

Nowax said...

I am in awe of your wife and her friend. I want to spit on the people, though. But I don't have the onions to do that. I just give withering looks. But these days, I think if you're wearing a fur, you know damned well that you are doing a despicable thing, and you are doing it to make a "statement".

I wish there was something I could yell that would cut through that bullshit, right-wing "I will do whatever I want, no matter who it hurts" attitude and wound their arrogant pride. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

April 08, 1900 : "it is forbidden to spit on the streets of Paris". Answer of the population on the walls : "Or what?".
Nowadays, spitting on the street of Paris will cost you approximately 180$. Well, kicking a policeman is not considered to be self-defense.
Very good cartoon; also more and more relevant in France (Social Security).

Anonymous said...

You'd best watch yourself in these fights, young man! What would we read if you got hurt?

doug nicodemus said...

same thing happened to me in a chinese fish store...i farted and all hell broke loose...i did not know you can bear people with chopsticks but you can...

Karl said...

About the spitting incident in front of the fur store; Wow! I'm just wondering what would have happened if you guys had decided to take a dump instead?

P.S. said...

I fully support your disdain of fur, but what possessed you to think horking on the street in front of a fur store would make a difference? Even if you weren't in Rome, I would have fully supported the shopkeepers taking you to task for doing something like that. That's the problem with animal-rights activists: it's that holier-than-thou attitude, even when on vacation. (Keep the funnies coming though!)

PIRARO said...

@P.S....
I understand what you're saying, here are some thoughts. First, neither I nor the other man with us spit on the street. It was a purely emotional response from our womenfolk, who are fiery types. Next, it is difficult for many to understand how "animal rights" people see these things. We view non-human animals the way virtually all humans view human children; they are innocent and defenseless and we deplore any abuse of them. If you walked past a storefront clearly advertising child prostitution, you might react as violently as our wives did, or perhaps even worse.