Cue Balls and Grass Hats

Today's Bizarro is made possible by Green Pate, the all natural, environmentally friendly hair replacement therapy.

As a guy who has less hair than he did when he graduated high school – and certainly less than he'd like to – I can honestly say I've never looked into the various forms of hair replacement and would never wear a toupe for any reason other than Halloween.

It isn't that I'm not vain, I am, and if I was a woman I'd surely feel differently, but I just don't feel I have the time or money to chase something as frivolous as new hair. Besides, men with less than a full head of hair are hardly an object of scorn or ridicule in today's world. In fact, shaving your head completely bald is considered cool for the first time since ancient Egypt. Which is good, because I think thin hair is less attractive than total baldness and I plan to join the Cue Ball Army when mine finally becomes transparent enough on top.

All that aside, if there was a simple, inexpensive way to grow plants on my head I might do it. A nice small-leaf ground cover or some furry, velvety green moss might look really cool. And what better way to show you're on board with the whole "green movement"? If you want something longer you could go with a vine like Wandering Jew. Come to think of it, what if Hasidim had Wandering Jew vines in place of those long curly sideburns? (peyes)

I could dig it. (Pun intended)

A while back someone sent me some directions on how to grow grass and moss on your walls indoors. If I can find that email, I'm totally doing that in my living room. Who knows, maybe I'll pioneer a way to make one I can wear around. A grass hat.