Electric Jesus

For a larger view, click the image.

I had a special request from a beloved reader for this cartoon, so here it is. It's never been published in the U.S. but appeared in some Scandinavian magazines with Bizarro a few years back. Some people find it crass, but it is merely an observation. If Jesus of Nazareth had died in an electric chair, millions of you readers would be wearing tiny gold chair earrings right now.

Hope you enjoy, another post and more cartoons to come later today.

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Lessons for 2011

Bizarro is brought to you today by Save The Date.

This is my first post of the new year, 2011, unless you count the two posts I did on January 2nd, which could technically qualify as posts in the new year if you want to get all literal about it. One of those, entitled "Plans for 2011" was one of my better efforts, I think, so if you haven't read that yet, please do. I hope, with all humility, that it makes you smile. Or at least twitch in a positive way, no worse off than you were before you began.

Today's offerings are lessons for us all in the new year. In the first cartoon, we see a gentlemen mistaking a dog which has been trained to assist the disabled for a common waiter. Shame on him. The day after this cartoon appeared in papers, I received an email from a person whose living is assisted by a service dog, wishing to place shame on me for drawing this cartoon. Let this be a lesson to us all in the new year: never do anything that might be misinterpreted by anyone on earth.

Our next cartoon is about smart rodents and smart phones. Because of the size relationship between the two, a mouse or rat could use a smart phone as a big screen TV. Like the one your brother-in-law has so he can watch those crappy reality shows he and his ugly wife are hooked on. Like you really need to see Kim Kardashian's butt LARGER than actual size. But our clever little rats have chosen a classic Mickey Mouse cartoon. Good for them. Let this be a lesson to us all: I hate the fact that I even know who Kim Kardashian is. What is wrong with America?

This doctor cartoon is silly. It is a play off the expression, "Money doesn't grow on trees." If you are reading this and saying to yourself, "I have never heard this term, wtf does it mean?" you are likely from another country. That's fine, we like foreign readers here at Bizarro Headquarters. The term is used for situations in which a person is wasting something. If your stupid brother-in-law with the ugly wife buys a new pair of shoes every week and throws the old ones in the trash, his wife might say, "Hey, Rick. Money doesn't grow on trees." Let this be a lesson to us all: Don't say this to your husband if he is a foreigner.

If you would like to see the cartoon I published on New Year's Eve, just look to your left right now. I have used a bit of an Escher-like trick here in turning the pub sideways, to indicate that the gentleman on the street has had too much to drink. Like all teenagers (and anyone of any age who enjoys marijuana), I really love M.C. Escher's work. I have done a number of cartoons based on him and have found that while publishing a cartoon about Escher is considered legal satire, the Escher family is really tight-fisted about letting you use them for anything else. Like if you put one on a T-shirt for sale, they'll sue you.

This last cartoon is one I did in 1997, which I believe would make M.C. himself twitch appreciatively. But don't expect to get it on a T-shirt. The Escher family doesn't want to share even a few hundred of the millions of dollars they have made on their relative's talent. Let this be a lesson to us all: Be born with a talented relative who will leave you his estate so you never have to do any work other than stopping other people from using their talents to comment on him.

That's all the lessons for today. I hope your 2011 is full of rapturous and indescribable joy and prosperity the likes of which no mere mortal has every experienced and lived to tell the tale.

And don't forget to save the date, of course. You'd hate to be out of town at some boring seminar for work on a day like this.

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Holiday Gone

(click the image for LARGERNESS)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Glad It's Over.

I had a dandy holiday weekend, hope you did too. CHNW and I went up to Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary to hang out with a small group of our best friends, ate, drank, napped, hiked, watched movies, regretted having eaten and drank so much, then ate and drank more. On the way home on Sunday, we were nearly trapped in the blizzard that hit the Northeast Coast and only barely made it home.

Thinking back to Hurricane Katrina and the number of wingnuts who claimed that god hit New Orleans with that storm to punish the gays, I can't help but believe that this year god chose to hit one of the most populated areas in the world on one of the busiest travel days of the year to punish those of us who celebrate Christmas. Following that logic, I'd have to say that it is not a Christian god that is in charge of weather. Where are the wingnuts now?

The cartoon above has three puns donated by readers. If you think you've got an original pun that might work nicely in a future Bizarro Sunday Punnies, leave it in the comments section of one of my posts. I don't publish these suggestions, whether good or bad, so don't be alarmed if you don't see your suggestion in the comments section later.

Semi-interesting note about the cartoon above: I send in each cartoon in several different sizes and formats for the various uses that my various clients use variously. In one of them, the one used for the Interwebs, I mistakenly put "Lone" Ranger, instead of the punnier, "Loan". So if you saw the one that says "Lone Ranger" on the web somewhere, that's why. I told you it was only semi-interesting.

Got to get back to removing snow from my various orifices. Hope to be seen by you here tomorrow!


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Holiday Message

For those of you who care about this sort of thing, here is a link to an essay by comedian, Ricky Gervais, about his reasons for being atheist and how he deals with it in a world that is predominately hostile towards his lack of belief. His views also happen to be mine.

http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/12/19/a-holiday-message-from-ricky-gervais-why-im-an-atheist/

Bizarro Family Holiday Newletter

The Bizarro Family Holiday Newsletter, 2010, is brought to you by Holiday Gift Ideas.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Quanza, and Happy New Year to you all! Well, it is hard to believe that another year has passed here at Bizarro Headquarters, it certainly was a full one and brought many blessings!

Going all the way back to last spring, we received the wonderful news that my eldest daughter, Krapuzar, was getting married even though she was neither pregnant nor getting ugly. Having long ago become convinced that she was a lesbian, this was a shock to the entire family. And the best news of all was that the young man she married is not an asshole in any way, shape, or form. I don't think he even has an asshole, that's how special he is! We couldn't love him more, unless he were rich.

My youngest daughter, Krelspeth, had a very blessed year, too, as she did not add a single letter or piece of punctuation to her police record. Yes, 2010 will go down in Piraro family lore as the year that her police file remained in the file drawer throughout! Great job, honey! We all love you! (If you're reading this, call us. We won't try to find you or judge anything you've done. We just want to know you're all right.)

CHNW and I are doing well, too, and have much to be thankful for this year. We finally stopped going to the marriage counselor and so we saved a lot of money! We have also found that we argue less and enjoy each other's company more since the majority of our marital strife in recent years seemed to be centered around the fact that that cow of a counselor always took CHNW's side on everything! Even when she was caught shoplifting. I mean, I think a man has a right to complain about the cost of bail and legal representation when his wife is arrested for attempting to steal a pregnancy test, which she could easily have afforded! Don't you? Especially when that man got a vasectomy 7 years ago, so she couldn't possibly be pregnant in the first place. Give me a break.

I also received news from afar that was quite a surprise. Apparently I have a son that I never knew about and whose mother I don't even remember. He lives in a part of far northern Canada that can only be reached by dogsled and is very dangerous to even attempt to get to, and it only costs him $500 a month to live there. That's pretty cheap considering it includes food, utilities, housing and transportation! I'm sending it to him until he gets on his feet, one of which was nearly gnawed off by a polar bear he startled late one evening while taking out the trash. I feel really blessed by this new relationship, not only because he is a terrific young man, but because he could easily have lived somewhere like Paris and needed way more money every month. I mean, when I was traveling in Paris in my early years, I got lucky WAY more often than when I was in Canada. Which, to be honest, I don't remember ever visiting.

Career-wise, Bizarro has had a terrific year, too. To date, I have made over $61 from the ads on my blog, which thousands of people read every day for free. Forget about the PayPal Donation button just to the right of this post, just knowing that my copious efforts give you an occasional smile is payment enough for me.

Another great feather in my cartoonist cap is that another year has passed without some big, lumbering corporate movie studio making some glitzy, multimillion dollar 3-D animated abomination of my cartoons. What could be worse than having some Hollywood blockbuster with your name all over it and then watch it in the theaters and say, "Hey, that's not what I had in mind at all. That's kind of stupid." So, I've dodged that bullet for another year, thanks for asking.

Speaking of "dodging a bullet," I was very lucky and blessed to have dodged the one fired out front of our building last October. It seems the instigator of that particular flying piece of hot lead was the girlfriend of the guy who works at the tattoo parlor on the corner. She suspected he was "fooling around" with her cousin, to whose buttocks he evidently had recently applied a "Tweety Bird" tattoo. I was on my way to the deli across the street when I heard the whole story, or her side of it at least, and the bullets began flying. One narrowly missed my left ear by the sound of the air being cleaved by it. The tattoo guy was not as blessed as I was that day, however, as she managed to blow holes through several brightly-colored carp on his chest. Now we'll never know his side of the story.

That's the update from Bizarro Headquarters this year, hope your year was as special as ours. From all of us to all of you, may the invisible super hero in the sky of your faith bless us all in the coming year!


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Prophetic Comedy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Xmas Celebrity Sightings.

Since we humans are so prone to superstition and mysticism, I could easily attribute the harrowing accident involving my wife and a taxi cab on December 10th to my cartoon that ran in newspapers on December 7th. It was undoubtedly an unwitting premonition, perhaps even a prophecy. I'll think twice before I use terms like "prescription for disaster" in Bizarro again. Whew!

Or, I could use the other 99.99999% of my brain and admit that not all coincidences have spiritual meaning. In fact, there's pretty much no evidence whatsoever that any of them do. Unless you choose to apply one, which I recommend you do at your own risk. History teaches us that superstition can lead to some pretty idiotic life choices. Like war.

T Rex has no superstitions, he just needs help in his cafe because he is short-handed. Get it? Short handed? What kind of damn fool dinosaur starts a cafe if he cannot even carry a tray without dropping it? And what does he do with the tables of patrons he knocks over with is mighty tail? Perhaps he just eats them. T Rexs can be like that.

My fanny pack riff got a few emails from readers with a better knowledge of anatomy than mine who informed me that the "liver pack" is on the wrong side of the man's body. What we actually have here is a "spleen pack." My bad, as surgeons up on malpractice charges frequently say.

Of course, if you want to get really picky, the "belly pack" is actually an "intestine pack." The stomach is much higher. Unless you want to be extremely liberal in your interpretation of "belly," but don't even get me started on that kind of irresponsible artistic license. Cartoons should be as factual as possible. If you can't trust the information in a cartoon, what can you trust?, I always say.

Don't forget all the life-changing Bizarro products that can be found somewhere around here. Perfect for holiday gift-giving!



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Holiday Breakdown

Bizarro is brought to you today by Favorite Holiday Memories.

If you're reading this post then you, like me, survived yesterday's holiday here in the U.S. We call it Thanksgiving Day and it's a mixed bag in my book. There are things I both enjoy and despise about TGiving, which I have listed below for your future use and quick reference.

Likes:
a. Not a religious holiday. This keeps it low-key and guilt-free with no official services to attend to keep your mom from getting upset, no melodramatic speeches by TV pundits about how "our make-believe is being eroded by some other culture's make-believe".

b. Mostly just about food and who doesn't like to eat? (other than super models) Lift food to mouth, open, insert, close, chew. Any moron can do it.

c. Mindless activities like watching football on TV and taking a nap are actually an integral part of the tradition.

d. Somehow, merchants have not commandeered this holiday as they have Xmas, so gifts are not mandatory. What a money saver!

e. Miraculously, TGiving has escaped the hideous novelty songs with which Xmas is plagued for weeks. Ah, the sound of silence!

Dislikes:
a. People use it to get sappy about what they're thankful for. I dislike this because I think one should be aware of these things daily. Those of us who are, don't need a national holiday to remind us of what is a fundamental part of our consciousness, and those who do need to be reminded are probably not moved in any substantive manner anyway. To me, it's like having a national holiday to remind us to brush our teeth. If you have to be reminded, it's probably too late anyway.

b. People make it religious by thanking "god" for what they have. Okay, fine, thanking the gods for food, shelter, good weather, a successful massacre of your enemy, etc. is a common human behavior that predates language and any of our modern gods, but I'd like to see us grow out of this superstition eventually. You can be thankful without being thankful to invisible magic people. This country could use a lot more rational thought and a lot less superstitious fear and persecution, God knows.

c. Americans celebrate warm and fuzzy thankfulness by wreaking a grisly holocaust on 45 million innocent birds (in a single day). I get it, it's tradition, it will never change, blah blah. But those of us who have come to see members of other species as someone instead of something lament the needless and cruel slaughter. It goes on 365 days a year, of course (300 million turkeys annually), but on TGiving the slaughter itself is celebrated as part of the experience, complete with goofy, cartoon images of the victims in pilgrim hats.

I'm sure I've missed something, but I'm still reeling from my food hangover. I ate waaaaay too much last night and won't eat again soon. In the final tally, looks like I have 5 likes and 3 dislikes, so all in all, the holiday gets a thumbs up.

Here now, from the cartoon dungeon's archives, is an old Sunday comic I did years ago. (click it to see it bigger) I went through a period around the turn of the century during which I was writing oddball children's poems for an unspecified reason. Eventually, I turned some of them into cartoons.

More later, have a black, black Black Friday.


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Halloween, Idiots, Teeth

Bizarro is brought to you today by Teeth.

I hope everyone had a dandy Halloween weekend. CHNW and I stayed home and watched scary movies. If you ever want to see a movie that will absolutely make your blood run cold and afraid to be alone after dark for the rest of your life, find one other than 1959's House on Haunted Hill, starring Vincent Price. If, on the other hand, you want to get stoned and laugh your buttocks off, this might be just the right choice.

I love old movies (and new movies, too, I'm not some weird gay guy still living with his mother, after all) and it always amazes me what passed for scary in olden times. Part of my problem is probably that I don't believe in anything supernatural – ghosts, demons, magic, spirits, etc. – so I never fall for those kinds of stories. The only movies I find "scary" are films about murderers or whatever. Things that could actually happen to me. I can't bear slasher or torture movies at all.

When I was a teenager, however, it was different. During my brief few years as a fundamentalist "teen for Jesus" type, I firmly believed in the devil and demons, so movies like The Exorcist scared the crap out of me. Almost as much as the prospect of President Sarah Palin does now, for instance. Oh yeah, it's election day, I have to go vote. You should go vote, too, unless you're superstitious and think that gays, Mexicans and socialists are trying to take over America. Then maybe you should skip it.

Let the angry comments begin!

By the way, the "idiot" joke above was a collaboration between me and my good friend, Wayno. Here's his post on how it morphed as we discussed it.

Halloween

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pumpkin
Abuse.

It is Halloween weekend and if I were a 10-year-old child I'd be getting my costume ready for trick-or-treating. But since I am ancient and my sciatica is acting up, I'll probably stay in with my nurse and have her rub liniment on my lower back. Did I mention my nurse is a 24-year-old student from Sweden?

A few years ago, I started doing "Scariest Halloween Costumes of (year)" Sunday cartoons and have kept that tradition. Here today are all of them since 2007 when I began.

(click the cartoon images for a biggerer view)
As you can see, the first one is graphically fairly simple in comparison to what I did in later years. In this one I referred to global warming, the lead toys from China scandal, NFL quarterback Michael Vick's dog fighting problems, more about the environment with the over-zealous breeders, and the consistently abhorrent anti-role models, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Strangely, I got the most hate mail about the population crisis. Many fundamentalist Christians took exception to my contradiction of their lord's instructions to "be fruitful and multiply." I still contend He was talking about practicing your math skills.

In '08, an election year, I touched on the collapsing economy and blamed it on the Republicans, which everyone but a die-hard Republican would agree with. I also hit the TV writer's strike, which has pretty much been forgotten by now. I expected hate mail about the drunken elephant and got some.

2009 brought the term "Zombie bank" into the popular lexicon, which was a natural for this. It was also the year Kanye West made an ass of himself at the MTV awards (or whatever it was), Michael Jackson died, and Fox and it's minions funded and organized the faux grass-roots protests about health care reform. I got hate mail about the health care reform aspect on this one, of course.

This year's cartoon does not touch on political events at all, though there were plenty of easy targets. The Fox News funded and organized, faux grass-roots Tea Baggers would have been an obvious choice but American politics have become so incredible incendiary and stupid that I no longer bother to editorialize. (Except here on this blog.) I've decided that such things do nothing to change anyone's mind and amid the current epidemic of idiocy, I might get tarred and feathered or lynched. Still, I think the three topics I chose are funny, especially the little Jesse James Nazi kid with his toy chopper bike. Although Jay Leno stealing candy from a baby makes me smile, too. I can't imagine what hate mail I could get from this one but I'm often surprised. I'll keep you updated.

Have fun on Halloween this year and be safe. Unless being safe ruins your fun, in which case you should just go for it. What's a few less humans on a crowded planet?

Death Disease Advertising

Bizarro is brought to you today by Waxy Heston.

Just for the sake of doing something different, today I'll start out with an old cartoon from the Bizarro archives, and then move on to the more recent cartoons. If you're uncomfortable with this change and would like to reverse this order, click here.

Here is a cartoon from 1996, only a few months after my first wife and I suddenly split up as a result of a dispute over the 7th commandment. I'm not a big fan of most of the commandments but this is one that remains one of my general rules in life for both myself and my partner. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned boy from Tulsa.

During this time I was very upset as a rule, and at times I was downright suicidal. The normally painful act of scraping a new cartoon out of the folds of my brain each day was exceptionally excruciating during this period, when all I really wanted to do was fantasize about double homicide. But my regular habits of eating daily and living indoors depended on it, so I soldiered on. This cartoon is an excellent example of how one can turn one's darker thoughts into comedy fit for public consumption.

In contrast, these days I'm pretty happy so my jokes are not mostly about death. Here's one, for example, that is about disease. The spelling error idea was sent to me by a reader and this is how I used it. A close friend of mine recently got a random staph infection in his eye and nearly lost it. No kidding, you shouldn't play around with that stuff. Eyes are handy, especially in pairs. He's better now, thanks.

This last idea I got while watching Mad Men, one of my favorite television programs. I think of myself as a sort of Don Draper type, except I'm not living under an assumed identity, I'm not in advertising, and I'm not suave and irresistible to women. Other than that, though...

What Came Before

I wanted to share this interesting video by a brilliant animator, Nina Paley. This is part of a series of work she is doing to help reframe the debate about copyright issues. This short film has a lot to say about religion and other forms of human creativity.

Colorwheel of Fortune

(Kids! Be the first in your local gang to click on the image above and see it BIG!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Birth of a Nation.

If you wake up enough to crawl over to a window and take a peek out the window, you may notice it's the weekend. That can mean only one thing on this blog – a Sunday comic post. But wait, today I've posted TWO Sunday comics! One from now and one from the past. Yes, this blog has time-travel capabilities.

The first difference you may notice in these cartoon is the pictures and captions are completely different. That's because I try (with varying success) not to copy myself. But look closer and you'll see deeper differences. Like color. In the cartoon above, the colors are nice. In the cartoon below, they are bad, ugly, hideous, flat, brash, rotten, crappy, garish, heinous, horrific, vomitous, nauseating, (consult Thesaurus to continue.)

That's because this older cartoon was drawn in 1999, just before I learned to color my cartoons on computer, instead of the old-fashioned method used by everyone from the turn of the nineteenth century until the computer age, designating each area with a number that represents the percentage of each of the available colors: red, yellow, blue, black. It was primitive and lord only knows how we managed in those days. We may as well have been coloring them with sticks dipped in plant dies in a log cabin by candlelight next to Abe Lincoln.

I do, however, like the line work in the older cartoon. Check out the hair of the victim's wife at far right, the one in the calamitous chartreuse outfit. I dig those curls.

A bit of fun backstory: I got an email from the offices of Wheel of Fortune (WoF, as we hardcore fans call it) and they liked this cartoon so much they would like an autographed copy to frame for their offices. What an honor. I wrote a book in the mid-90s about a book tour I took which was funded by readers and during which I stayed in their homes. In this book, "Bizarro Among the Savages," my driving force was spiritual advice given me by Pat Sajak. It was a true story. To my great dismay, no one from Sajak's office, or those of WoF ever contacted me about it. But then, the greatest spiritual leaders always prefer to remain in the background.

Dog Judge Voyeur

Bizarro is brought to you today by Jailer's School.

I got some interesting mail on the dog cartoon. A handful of people wrote to me and said how much they liked this cartoon, two of whom were professional cartoonists. This surprised me a bit, I didn't think it was all that clever, just sort of a funny visual. One site, The Comics Curmudgeon, one of my favorite daily reads and one that makes its bread by skewering cartoons, posted it just because they liked it. I secretly always wanted to be on that site but not for the eviscerating reasons that cartoons usually end up there. It was a dream come true.

Even more surprising was an email from someone who normally loves my work but hated this one because it was "cruel." Perhaps they did not realize it is only a cartoon man, no "real" people got hurt.

This brings us to Casual Friday. I've never worked in an office with a dress code and have always pitied those who do. It's particularly ridiculous when you have to wear something completely outside the norm, like a choir robe. Would people show less respect for someone in a suit? The British really go to town with this tradition, dressing their judges up like old women. Even their lawyers (which they have another name for; "chips" is it?) have to wear wigs and doilies. Try as I might, I cannot understand this kind of behaviour. (spelled the British way.) For consistency's sake, they should also make the defendants dress up in costumes. Perhaps something more amusing to break up all that black and grey. I'd like to suggest a duck costume since if things don't go well, they may be going "up the river."

Today's ancient offering is about history, science, voyeurism and religion. Here in NYC, people regularly spy on each other with binoculars and telescopes. It's just a given when so many of us live so closely together in high-rise buildings. You get used to it and don't think anything about it after a while. When I first came to NYC, my future wife, CHNW, used to routinely walk around her apartment at night in various stages of undress. I asked her why she didn't close her blinds and she said, quite innocently, "What's the point? The only thing across the street is a rectory full of priests." (Not to be confused with a rectum full...)

I shudder to think how many crises of faith she instigated as those poor souls struggled to maintain their commitment to celibacy. Except for the gay or pedophile ones, of course.

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Eternal Life?

Bizarro is brought to you today by Reclaimed Souls.

To my surprise, there were quite a few readers who didn't understand this cartoon. I didn't get into a lengthy discussion with them so I don't know if it was because they are so unfamiliar with recycling that they don't recognize the triangle symbol, or if their minds were so anthropocentric that they could not make the leap between reincarnation/eternal life and recycling.

This cartoon idea came from my dandy buddy, Richard Cabeza, who has contributed some dandy ideas to Bizarro before. As I've mentioned on this blog in the past, my work is also offered in a strip format and since they usually don't entail much extra art – just a reconfiguration of the panel version – I don't bother posting them. This one, however, adds some punch to the church atmosphere, so I'm sharing it with you. Click it for a better view.

Of course, I particularly like the "Mountain Pie" soda bottle.

I've never quite thought of it this way, but our species' persistence in religious beliefs can be thought of as a desire to be recycled. Most people cannot bring themselves to believe that they will end when their body gives out. The way our brains work, it is difficult not to feel there is a difference between "us" and our bodies. I do not believe in any such difference and think that those feelings are a brain function, like everything else we think and experience. And that when I die, I die; that's it, no more me, no afterlife, no purpose. In contrast to the panic that most people seem to feel about an exclusively biological life with no divine purpose or destination, I find it comforting. I no longer fear dying except for whatever pain or fear might occur during the process; I won't exist to care. Much the way I cannot care what happens in another apartment across town when I'm asleep.

Sounds kind of nice, in a way. Not that I'm in any hurry.


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Radar Nudity

Bizarro is brought to you today by Naked Hikers.

I'm not sure how I feel about this air traffic control cartoon. It's completely unrealistic, of course, the dude at the radar would know that something was wrong long before it got to this point. But I suppose the visual is sort of fun, the big dot on the screen then the big dot on the plane's nose. Whatever. A cartoon-a-day for over 25 years, they can't all be classics.

This Adam and Eve cartoon from 2000 is a bit more fun, I believe. When I was a kid being indoctrinated by nuns in Catholic school, I noticed that all of the pictures of Adam and Eve "before the fall" had expertly-placed leaves to hide their naughty bits.

By the time I was eight years old I could see that nothing about that story made any sense but I wasn't confident enough to dispute it publicly until many years later. It's amazing the power that early programming has over a person. You can convince a small child of absolutely anything and it will follow them for life like the genital-hiding foliage of the Old Testament. If people weren't told about god until they were adults, religions of any kind would have almost no power. Imagine trying to talk an adult who did not already believe in an invisible magic guy in the sky that flying a plane into a building would be a good idea.


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Complaining, Flying, Jumping

Bizarro is brought to you today by Baby Proofing.

The first cartoon I've posted today is one of my favorites in a long time and is my cartoon answer to the sort of folks who write scathing letters to me about something they found offensive about one of my cartoons. Regular readers of this blog have seen a few of the kookier bits of hate mail I've received, so you know what I'm talking about.

Recently I've begun receiving mail from people who are upset that I put the "K2" into my cartoons. I've been doing this for around 15 years, it represents my two daughters, whose names both begin with K (Krapuzar and Krelspeth) but apparently there is some kind of recreational drug or something that goes by K2 now and people think I'm promoting it. Like I would do that. I haven't bothered to look this thing up so I have no idea what their talking about. Is it illegal? Is it actually dangerous like chrystal meth or is the supposed danger a corporate-inspired myth as with marijuana? For all I know you can buy it at a health food store but it's cutting into pharmaceutical profits so Fox News is waging a propaganda war against it. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

This next cartoon is about the constantly growing list of things airlines are charging for. Soon there will be a two-drink minimum. Where will it end? And when will someone invent a way to get a large airplane off the ground without using fossil fuels? There could easily be a time in the near future when there are no airlines because of fuel difficulties. Weird.

From the archives, here is one of my long-time favorites that was used on the cover of one of my early books. An embarrassing first day in Heaven.

CHNW and I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane a couple of years ago. It's tons of fun and we didn't die. Unless the afterlife looks just like our normal lives.

As some of you know, I don't actually believe in any kind of afterlife but it's such an irresistible premise for cartoons that I use it a lot.

Cheesus Loves Me

A reader of yesterday's blog post pointed me to this inspirational news story about "Cheesus". I hope your life is enriched by it as much as mine was.



And people ask me where I get my ideas for Bizarro.



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Cheeses Saves

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Holy Family.

Today's theme is religion as all but the too-dense-to-be-reading-this-blog can easily see. As a vegan, I hate to promote any good news about cheese, but this pun was too much fun to pass up so I made an exception. If this were the shape of the folks who pester you at home you could answer the door with a giant cracker and scare the hell out of them.

Speaking of Hell, here's a ditty from the archives, from December of '96. This cartoon was requested by a friend who claims it as her favorite. She found it in my book, "Life is Strange and So Are You." It's out of print, as all my books are because you people don't buy enough books, but you can likely still find copies of it if you search online. Amazon may even have some.

This cartoon was from the time before I had learned to color my own work on computer, so I was doing it the old-fashioned way, which was to send the black and white version to the printer with elaborate numbers all over it telling them where to put various percentages of blue, red, yellow, and black. Coloring these things with numbers was an art form all it's own and you never knew what you were going to get until it came out in the paper. This one is ugly as hell, which is apropos. If I were doing it today, it would look so much better.

By the way, this depiction of "heck" is based on a visit to my grandparents' house. They suffered every day of their lives sitting on plastic-covered furniture, but when they died, it was as beautiful and new as the day it was bought. Praise Cheeses.

Men, Women, Honey, Apes

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I'm taking some time off from the real world so I'll not be posting again until next Tuesday. I'll miss you and will think of you daily.

In the meantime, here's a passel to remember me by. I like the distinguished older gentlemen chatting up the young chippy on the subway. Not drawn from life, but I'm sure this has happened. Just about anything anyone can dream up happens daily somewhere in NYC.

"My eyes are up here" seems to be a popular phrase lately, with lots of shirts sporting this slogan popping up on the Interwebs. Or maybe they've been around for a while and I've not been aware of it. I'm not a boob man, myself, so maybe I'm just out of the loop.

When I was a small kid in the 60s, beehive hairdos were all the rage. Now, they still remain the rage among certain retro hipsters like Pentecostals and the wives of elderly astronauts. My early work featured almost exclusively beehive hairdos. They're funny to draw and, let's face it, funny to see on real people. Sorry if I've offended any beehive-wearing readers, it's just my opinion. You probably think pink-streaked hair and multiple lip and nose rings are funny. And you'd be right.

And today's elderly cartoon from the last millennium is about King Kong's kid. Poor Prince Kong. When I drew this, I remember being careful to judge the scale between the ape and the trees so he'd look huge, but smaller than his dad.

Hope you all have a week of rainbows and butterflies. Please visit next Tuesday for another episode of "The Adventures of Whatever it is This Blog is Supposed to be About."


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God & Family

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One day I was tweeting something and I thought it might be fun to open up a new Twitter account under the name "God" and tweet stuff like this. The name had already been taken, of course, probably about 18 seconds after Twitter was invented. I don't follow God on Twitter so I can't say what he/she is using it for. Other examples of what I might have tweeted as God:

Just cured a guy of leprosy, gave about 7 million other people cancer.

I could stop wars anytime I want but without cable, what would I watch?

Dave, if you're going to cheat on your wife, I'm going to introduce her to a hot trainer at the gym.

Hurricane Katrina wasn't about the iniquities of New Orleans. I was trying to teach you how to build a decent levee.

No prayers this weekend, please, I'm taking some time off.

My ancient cartoon for the day is from February of 1996. I've done a number of satires of Family Circus over the years, as have lots of other cartoonists, and I should mention that Bil Keane is a great sport about it. The first time I did it, he called me the next day (scaring me to death) and asked for the original art for his collection. I traded it to him for a Sunday panel of FC, one in which the dead grandpa ghost appears. Bil even used my name in his cartoon one time. If my archives were arranged in a way that I could find anything specific, I'd post it here. It was a picture of Billy and Jeffy talking to each other with their dad in the background listening. Billy says, "The Piraro's dad wears gold chains and an earring, all our dad wears is glasses and deodorant."

I have never worn a gold chain in my life, but I do have earrings. Still, it was fun to be a part of Family Circus.