Bizarro Family Holiday Newletter

The Bizarro Family Holiday Newsletter, 2010, is brought to you by Holiday Gift Ideas.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Quanza, and Happy New Year to you all! Well, it is hard to believe that another year has passed here at Bizarro Headquarters, it certainly was a full one and brought many blessings!

Going all the way back to last spring, we received the wonderful news that my eldest daughter, Krapuzar, was getting married even though she was neither pregnant nor getting ugly. Having long ago become convinced that she was a lesbian, this was a shock to the entire family. And the best news of all was that the young man she married is not an asshole in any way, shape, or form. I don't think he even has an asshole, that's how special he is! We couldn't love him more, unless he were rich.

My youngest daughter, Krelspeth, had a very blessed year, too, as she did not add a single letter or piece of punctuation to her police record. Yes, 2010 will go down in Piraro family lore as the year that her police file remained in the file drawer throughout! Great job, honey! We all love you! (If you're reading this, call us. We won't try to find you or judge anything you've done. We just want to know you're all right.)

CHNW and I are doing well, too, and have much to be thankful for this year. We finally stopped going to the marriage counselor and so we saved a lot of money! We have also found that we argue less and enjoy each other's company more since the majority of our marital strife in recent years seemed to be centered around the fact that that cow of a counselor always took CHNW's side on everything! Even when she was caught shoplifting. I mean, I think a man has a right to complain about the cost of bail and legal representation when his wife is arrested for attempting to steal a pregnancy test, which she could easily have afforded! Don't you? Especially when that man got a vasectomy 7 years ago, so she couldn't possibly be pregnant in the first place. Give me a break.

I also received news from afar that was quite a surprise. Apparently I have a son that I never knew about and whose mother I don't even remember. He lives in a part of far northern Canada that can only be reached by dogsled and is very dangerous to even attempt to get to, and it only costs him $500 a month to live there. That's pretty cheap considering it includes food, utilities, housing and transportation! I'm sending it to him until he gets on his feet, one of which was nearly gnawed off by a polar bear he startled late one evening while taking out the trash. I feel really blessed by this new relationship, not only because he is a terrific young man, but because he could easily have lived somewhere like Paris and needed way more money every month. I mean, when I was traveling in Paris in my early years, I got lucky WAY more often than when I was in Canada. Which, to be honest, I don't remember ever visiting.

Career-wise, Bizarro has had a terrific year, too. To date, I have made over $61 from the ads on my blog, which thousands of people read every day for free. Forget about the PayPal Donation button just to the right of this post, just knowing that my copious efforts give you an occasional smile is payment enough for me.

Another great feather in my cartoonist cap is that another year has passed without some big, lumbering corporate movie studio making some glitzy, multimillion dollar 3-D animated abomination of my cartoons. What could be worse than having some Hollywood blockbuster with your name all over it and then watch it in the theaters and say, "Hey, that's not what I had in mind at all. That's kind of stupid." So, I've dodged that bullet for another year, thanks for asking.

Speaking of "dodging a bullet," I was very lucky and blessed to have dodged the one fired out front of our building last October. It seems the instigator of that particular flying piece of hot lead was the girlfriend of the guy who works at the tattoo parlor on the corner. She suspected he was "fooling around" with her cousin, to whose buttocks he evidently had recently applied a "Tweety Bird" tattoo. I was on my way to the deli across the street when I heard the whole story, or her side of it at least, and the bullets began flying. One narrowly missed my left ear by the sound of the air being cleaved by it. The tattoo guy was not as blessed as I was that day, however, as she managed to blow holes through several brightly-colored carp on his chest. Now we'll never know his side of the story.

That's the update from Bizarro Headquarters this year, hope your year was as special as ours. From all of us to all of you, may the invisible super hero in the sky of your faith bless us all in the coming year!


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Pow Sex Tights

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ovum Racists.

Two super hero cartoons today, because I'm still in the super hero mode to load up my new book of Bizarro super hero cartoons coming out next spring, which I've talked about enough on this blog to make me vomit. Why do I keep talking about it? I don't know, maybe I'm hoping that it will sell more than a dozen copies and break all previous records for Bizarro books.

As much as it makes my gout flare up to admit it, I was a kid back in the late '60s when the original Batman TV show aired. If you've never seen it, do so. It was a gem. It was The Simpsons of its day in the sense that it ran in prime time, had big ratings, and was so quirky that celebrities were lining up to do cameos on it. But that's not important right now. What's important is that they had several corny fight scenes in each show, during which a giant "Pow!" or "Zok!" or "Bap!" was written across the screen in big comic book lettering. Just like in this cartoon, which is why I like it. Now you can stop wondering.

And what a great segue it was to have the word "wondering" in that last sentence. Because now we will talk about Wonder Woman. Wow. What a babe. In the late 60s, porn was not readily available to young boys such as myself, so Wonder Woman comic books were the object of my desires and fantasies. Oh, to be tied up by her magic lasso and...perhaps I'll leave the details for another blog, one about embarrassing personal sexual fantasies involving fictional Amazonian cartoon characters.

So here is Wonder Woman shopping for threads and it brings to mind another cartoon I did about super hero fashion, fresh from the dank archives of Bizarro International Headquarters.

Have a super day.

Earth Hat

Bizarro is brought to you today by Vegan Chicken Strips.

Just got back from my two comedy things in Santa Rosa, California, home of the Charles Schulz Museum and am happy to report they both went well and we had a great time. Thanks to those of you who came to the shows, it was fun meeting you. (Except for you, Hoyt. Never contact me again.)

The first cartoon shown here is a take on the cliche, "Let me through I'm a doctor" deal. In this case, the cartoony-looking guy has slipped on a banana peel and only a cartoonist will do. In my continuing habit of honoring Alfred Hitchcock, I appear as the cartoonist. My good friend and colleague, Wayno, came up with this idea. We had different ideas about this cartoon which we didn't discover until I published it and we got to chatting. He explains here why his original victim was a wealthy dandy, whereas I always think of the fallen slapstick victim as a blue-collar dude, like the moving guy who gets crushed by the piano.

This second cartoon is fairly odd even for me, which is what I like about it. I often notice bored couples in restaurants who seem not to say a word during their entire dining experience, even while waiting for the food. CHNW talks so much (even when she's alone) that I doubt that will ever happen to us. It always makes me sad to see this, but I could be assuming too much. Maybe they're as happy as anyone else, they just don't like to gab about it all the time.

Cartoon three is from the archives of Bizarro Headquarters. Keith Rust is an actual friend of mine. I didn't choose him for any particular reason, just thought he'd be a good subject for this gag. This is the sort of classically surreal gag that I really love and don't come up with nearly often enough.

More tomorrow, don't be late!

Self-Loathing Baboon Photo

Bizarro is brought to you today by Vacation Surprises.

Here are three jokes I really like; two new ones and one from 1998.

The basic idea for the baboon joke was sent to me by a reader. I really wish I'd thought of it. So perfect. My wife, CHNW, had heart surgery when she was 20 because one of her valves had been eaten away by a random infection. She needed to have the valve replaced and was offered either a mechanical one or a pig's valve. As regular readers know, she's an avid animal rights activist so you can imagine her response to the pig valve. She got a mechanical one, of course, and now ticks like a clock. When it's really quiet, you can actually hear it.

"Whack-A-Mirror" is based on the popular "Whack-A-Mole" arcade game. I love the self-loathing aspect. Not sure why, I guess because I hate myself sometimes. Don't we all? Please tell me you hate yourself sometimes, I don't want to be the only one. That would give me more reason to hate myself.

This final gag from the archives of Bizarro International Headquaters is a longtime fave of mine. I've seen a few takes on the "I can take that for you if you'd like to be in it" phenomenon, but this is among my favorites. In those days, I used to draw TONS of background on almost every cartoon. I do less of that now because I already work too many hours and the joke is the same either way. Even still, I draw more backgrounds than 99% of cartoonists, so I don't feel so bad. No mirror-whacking for me today.

CONTEST #16

RULES, ETC:
As usual, two images are posted below, one is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed in 15 ways. Your mission, if you are the disco royalty that I think you are, is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.
2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.
3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will not be too subtle, so once you spot one you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "Is the hat on this one is a shade lighter than the other one? Hmmm.")
4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the post wins 4 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!
5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.
6. If you live outside the U.S., I may not be able to send you a prize. Depends. Canada is probably fine, Saudia Arabia, probably not.

Click on the image below to ENLARGE and PLAY!

Golden Girl Gaiety

Bizarro is brought to you today by Good Advice.

Here it is a few days after Xmas and I'm back at Bizarro International Headquarters overseeing production meetings, taking conference calls from Asia and beyond, scheduling power lunches with bigshots, and refusing to take Larry King's calls. It's great to be home.

Contest #12 is NOW!

Click on the cartoon contest image below to enlarge and play!

RULES, ETC:
As usual, the upper image is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed. Your mission, if you are a groovy dude, chick, both or undecided is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.
2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.
3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will not be too subtle, so once you spot one you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think that guy has one extra whisker. Hmmm.")
4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!
5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Enjoy, good luck, and may dog bless! Click on the image to enlarge...

Pedestrians of Note

(For the making of a larger cartoon with the easier reading, click the third toe of the fourth foot from the left.)

Today's Bizarro cartoon is sponsored by Baby Man.

This cartoon was inspired by the ugly building that is going up across the street from Bizarro International Headquarters here in Brooklyn. There used to be a charming, old, three-story red brick warehouse from the late 19th century, but the owner tore it down and is erecting a hideous condo building. If the architecture were at least interesting or tasteful I would not mind so much, but the monstrosity he is erecting will be twice as tall as the old building and utterly odious. A couple of floors are finished, and now that I can see the "style" of the building, I pray for the 50-foot woman to stomp it into dust. Or Godzilla, though he does not have a skirt up which I could look from my vantage point across the street. (Of course, a 50-foot woman probably has an 8-foot "schnootzer," and that might be even more frightening than Godzilla.)

I know the man who owns the land and he is a nice enough guy. But he's one of these people who hasn't an ounce of interest in asthetics. To him, "a building's a building." When a person doesn't even recognize the difference between an ugly building and a beautiful one when it is pointed out and explained, as I once did for him, you don't have much of a chance.

Of course, at this very moment, he may be writing on his blog that he knows a guy who doesn't recognize a huge profit margin even when it is pointed out and explained, and that my investment portfolio is odious.

The obvious difference is that I am not erecting a six-story reminder of my lack of financial skills across the street from his home.

Chase Me Out to the Ballgame

Bizarro is made possible by a grant from the Tossing Dirt on the Reaper Foundation.

Since I'm a groovy hip artsy type, people are often surprised to hear I'm a sports fan. Sorry if you are disappointed, not all sports fans are numskull beerbelly boobs like Joe the Plumber. In fact, the dude who lives across the street from me here at Bizarro International Headquarters is a college professor of some high-minded socialogical something-or-other, and he's an even bigger sports fan than am I.

I have always been athletic, I have good genes for that in all ways but size. So I played a lot of sports as a kid and learned to love it, but as I got into middle and high school, I was not behemoth enough to leave the bench in my various coaches' opinions, so I stopped trying out for the school teams. Additionally, I began to come into my own as a groovy hip artsy type and many of the other athletes began to come into their own as frankensteinian meatheads who cared about little more than sports. So we parted ways.

Though I love to watch sports, hockey is my favorite with American football a firm second, I loathe to watch a single athlete or coach being interviewed. I love the entertainment value of watching physically skilled humans exhibit amazing feats of athletic prowess, but when it comes to what's between their ears, I am always bored stiff. I have no doubt that some professional athletes are bright and creative, I just don't have the patience to wade through all of the "Joe Sixpack" simpletons to find them.

It is remarkeable how far we've come as a society, however. Just a couple of hundred years ago mobs of torch-bearing villagers hunted down mutants and murdered them out of fear. Now we dress them up in flashy jerseys and award them with multi-million dollar paychecks for slamming into others of their kind. It makes a human proud.

DISCLAIMER: Not all athletes or sports fans are idiots, maybe not even most. I said that above, so let it go. But let's face it, a lot of them are.
My pride in how far our society has come is largely facetious, as we still hunt down women's healthcare providers, homosexuals, atheists, etc. We have replaced torch-bearing mobs with Fox News, but you can't really call that progress.

Injuns and Igloos

Bizarro is made possible by the Dick Cheney Institute for Early Childhood Development.

I am back at Bizarro International Headquarters again after a roaring weekend of insanity in Hollywood with my cartoonist colleagues. To those of you who expressed support and disappointment in my seventh consecutive loss of The Reuben Award, thanks a ton. Meanwhile, back in the real world, here are two cartoons since I'm a little behind on posting.

While writing cartoons one day it occurred to me that except for their size, pyramids and igloos look like they are two different models in the same line. Like the sample drawings you'd get in a container of Lincoln Logs. And voila, here's the cartoon. Now I need to do a companion piece about pyramids at the North Pole.

The Indian cartoon below is completely surreal, but I combined Godzilla and the Old West once before and liked the effect, so I tried it again. I confess I did not research the Indians, though, and it was pointed out that I got a few things wrong. The ground looks like the Southwest but Cherokees inhabited the middle-Southeast, and I'm told something about their costumes is wrong. I usually try to avoid mistakes like this but I was likely in a hurry when designing it and maybe even tripping on mushrooms. (CHNW and I are not very diligent housekeepers and have mushrooms and other things growing in our carpets. I sometimes trip over them, causing me to draw the wrong costume within a given context.)

But still, Godzilla and Indians! Hahahahahahahah!!!











(Click these cartoons to make them bigger and funnier)