NEW BLOG SITE

I've moved this blog to a new site: http://www.bizarro.com/

It's got the entire archive and all my new posts will be there with the same smooth, chocolately goodness. Please have a visit, sign up, click the RSS for it, or whatever it is you do when you do that thing.

Thanks, see you there!
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Comedy Show!

Once again, you in the San Francisco Bay Area have a chance to see a comedy genius at work and help him pay his February rent!

Will Franken Announces:
"The Grand Opening Of A New Baby" (new one-man show)
Saturday, February 19th,
9pm
The Purple Onion
140 Columbus Avenue, SF
$20

Tix available here: https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/154473

Be there or live a life without joy!
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Read This Book

I read a new novel recently that I highly recommend. It's the first novel by the most exciting writer I've read in a long while, Benjamin Hale. I happened to meet him at a literary event in NYC recently and he was kind enough to give me an advance copy of his first novel, the cover of which is pictured above. I won't say much about it other than that I was blown away, couldn't put it down, didn't want it to end, can't wait for his next book, and I wanted to have his children. That last impulse has subsided some but I'm still looking forward to his next book.

Check it out here.

San Fran Comedy

A good friend of mine and a damn funny/smart comedian, Brian Malow, is doing a show at the San Francisco Punch Line next week, you should go see it if you're in the area. He kills, as they say in the business.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Punch Line Comedy Club, San Francisco
Tickets can be got here for less than the cost of a cheap Halloween wig.

Kindergarten Lesson

A brilliant, funny, short article by Bill Maher can be found by clicking this link.

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Quintuple Tragedy

(click the pic to make it big)

Bizarro is brought to you today by A Leisurely Drive.

Hey, I went to a holiday party last night and they had a very fun live band. But it turned out that was not the most exciting part of the evening.

Nor was the most exciting part when we left the place at midnight, hailed a cab out front of our friends' building, and my formerly lovely wife, Ashley, stuck her head into the passenger-side door window and said to the driver, "Will you take us to Brooklyn?"

The most exciting part was when the cabbie suddenly stepped on the gas (fear of Brooklyn? involuntary leg spasm?), throwing my formerly lovely wife to the street, conking her head on the pavement and knocking her unconscious.

Not being a trained crime fighter, instead of drawing my gun and shooting at the cab or simply getting the car's number, I fell to my knees and began shouting to her, asking if she was okay. She was not okay, as her bloodied and sleeping face quickly told me.

I called 911, they came quickly, tossed us into an ambulance and brought us to an emergency room at the other end of the bumpiest street in the tri-state area. With what it costs to ride in an ambulance, you'd assume that included some sort of suspension system, but you'd be wrong.

Upon entering the ER, the first thing I learned was that all of the employees are superstitious. They forced me to put my camera phone away, presumably fearing I would steal their souls. I told them I had all I could handle with my own soul and had no interest in theirs, but that reassurance seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Now in the trauma room, at first there was a lot of clothes-cutting, shouting of inane questions to get a brief test of Ashley's I.Q. –– What's your name? What day is this? Do you realize we're ruining your fancy party clothes by cutting them off because it is so much more dramatic than removing them the normal way? –– and bandying-about of medical terms like "stat", "cc", "saline," and, "Sir, put that camera away, we're not going to ask again!"

One interesting thing I found out was that you don't really have to leave the trauma room if you don't want to. I learned this after they asked me several times, rather sternly, to step outside and I simply said, "no." Instead of calling security or producing a taser, they just sort of looked disappointed and went on about their business. In their defense, however, they were being forced to ask me and this caused them fear; "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside," they said over and over. "No," I blandly stated each time and this seemed to allay their fears for a few more minutes. I was, after all, standing calmly off to the side, not scrubbing up and offering to help.

After seven hours of poking, prodding, testing, and mostly waiting on gunshot and knifing victims to be treated, they gave her a couple of stitches in her eyebrow where previously there were none and sent us home, warning her to keep her head away from speeding taxis and the pavement until it healed.

They further admonished her not to get the wound wet for 24 hours, which is a real drag because she has quite a lot of dried blood in her hair. I'm sure it will be uncomfortable for her to sleep with dried blood in her hair and I'm not downplaying that at all, but what about me? I have to sleep with a woman with a face like Rocky Balboa and dried blood in her hair. That's not something I thought I'd ever say.

CHNW is a real trooper and was happy to allow me to publish these pics of her and make a humorous post out of this otherwise unfun event.

I would like to offer two bits of advice to you, dear reader:
1. If you are in NYC, do not ask a cab driver if he will take you somewhere. Get in the cab, close the door, and tell him where he is taking you. By law, they have to do it, but if your destination is not as profitable as they'd like, they will often get away before you can get in.
2. Avoid the holidays. You're safer at home where nothing moves quickly enough to knock you down.


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Bizarro Merch!

If you're on of those peoples who buys stuff during this time of year and gives it away, why not consider buying some nifty shwag with Bizarro cartoons on it? Oh yes you can! It happens here, each year listed has a variety of cartoons to choose from and about a moziglion products you can put them on.

http://www.cafepress.com/bizarrostuff/4171562


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Watching

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Sudsy Feet.

After I published my previous post about the sort of TV shows I truly hate, many readers asked what shows I like. Some people are always trying to look on the bright side of things, declare the glass half full, pointing out the silver lining, filling the shoes with chocolate feet. (I made that last one up but I think it works.)

So here follows a list of shows I am addicted to, in no particular order. I watch TV every night, I fully admit. Some may say I watch TV too much, but I also read every night and exercise every day, so it all evens out. (If lifting a bottle of scotch can be considered exercise, and I am pretty certain it can. Especially when it's full.)

Comedy:
East Bound and Down (HBO) Kenny and Stevie rule!
Weeds (Showtime) Rent the first season, watch it from the beginning. So great.
Californication (Showtime) Great writing, acerbic humor.
Bored to Death (HBO) Not brilliant, but funny and anything with Zach Galifianakis is worth watching. Ted Danson is great in this, too. (Met Zach once and he was already a fan of Bizarro. I peed my pants a little.)
Community (NBC) Major network sit-com, but give it a chance from the first episode. Great comedy writing and characters. Senor Chang is classic.
Raising Hope (FOX) very strange characters, Cloris Leachman is brilliant, as is Garret Dillahunt as Burt.
Children's Hospital (Cartoon Network, Adult Swim) Rob Corddry created it and stars. So weird.
Louie (FX) Louie C.K.'s avant-garde sit-com.
Modern Family (ABC) One of the funniest sit-coms to come out of a major network in ages. Ty Burrell is brilliant.
30 Rock (NBC) Entire cast is brilliant, the writing is top notch.

Drama:
Dexter (Showtime) See the first season.
Mad Men (AMC) Watch from the beginning, truly top notch. (CHNW and I ran into John Hamm in a restaurant once, got to talking and had dinner with him. Super sweet guy. This was years before he was famous. Weird coincidence.)
Breaking Bad (AMC) Possibly the best drama on TV in ten years or more. My opinion, of course. Definitely watch it from the beginning, don't just drop in on it.
True Blood (HBO) A complete lark, a guilty pleasure. Not brilliant, but tons o' fun. Could be considered a comedy, too.
Damages (FX) First season is brilliant.
Rubicon (AMC) Fairly new show, I'm really digging it. Watch from beginning, very complex plot.
Boardwalk Empire (HBO) Terrific show with the sort of long term appeal of Sopranos.
Terriers (FX) A new show that I've really fallen in love with. Great characters and acting.
FlashForward (ABC) I was really hooked on this show but I'm told it got canceled. Damn.

I used to be hooked on Keith Oberman every night, but politics sicken me and I find that I'm much less agitated if I ignore them altogether. So many crazy, frightened people in the world. I can't look any more.

There are a few others I watch but those above make up my "must see" list. Of course, it goes without saying (then why am I saying it?) that anything with Ricky Gervais is a must see. Extras on HBO (I'm not sure if they're making that anymore), the original "The Office" from BBC or whoever (the America version is good, too, but I've never gotten hooked on it because I think it pales in comparison to the British one), any talk show, awards show, or guest appearance. No one funnier in the world. Russell Brand is always worth my time, too, as is Zach Galifianakis and a few others.

Feel free to suggest your favorites. Not that I have any room in my schedule, but you never know when something might get canceled.

This post is too long. It's verging on the stupidity of all those millions of Tweets that document utterly unimportant and self indulgent information. Ick.

Oh yeah, hope you enjoyed today's cartoons.

See This Show

My good friend and comedy genius from another dimension, Will Franken, is doing another one-man show at The Purple Onion again soon. See it if you can, he is a rare performer without equal. Below are Will's own words:

Will Franken in “I’ll Be Your Neck”
The Purple Onion
140 Columbus Avenue, San Francisco
Saturday, November 20th
(2 shows; 8pm and 10pm)
$20

https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/134380

Get your tickets now!

“I’ll Be Your Neck” is the story of one’s man pursuit to hold a woman’s head because she’s too beautiful to use her own neck.

It’s also the story of many other things as well. There’s an 8-year old black girl narrating Spike Lee’s remake of “Silence of the Lambs” (momma talk about the bad man sometimes. He wanted momma to put lotion on her skin. But momma didn’t want to. . .)

It’s the story of a jealous husband who sulks alone in his bedroom while Will laughs it up downstairs with the wife. Based on true events, Will plays the parts of the husband, the wife, and himself. “Honey, can I talk to you in the bedroom real quick? I can’t find my shoehorn! Will, how is the comedy going? Well, it certainly sounds like my wife is a huge fan! I can hear her laughing all the way upstairs in the bedroom where her and I sleep as husband and wife! Honey, can you please help me find the shoehorn?”

It’s the story of an inverse world where the white trash guys from Fresno are running tech support for Indians who don’t know anything about computers.

It’s the story of the big screen adaptation of “Handbags With Mary Beth On QVC” featuring Christopher Walken as Mary Beth, Crispin Glover as Joyce (his co-host), and Stephen Hawking as Caller #7.

It’s the story of how a man mistook a cowlick for a brain tumor and how the doctor still expects him to pay for an over-the-counter hair gel.

It’s the story, all right.

Come see this story and you’ll have plenty of stories to tell.

I’m Will Franken. And this is my story.

Wm.

(willfranken.com)

Great Book Recommendation

Another friend of mine has published the absolutely quintessential book about Looney Toons. It's called (look at picture above and read title) and it's a big, hardback book with an unbelievable amount of pull-out stuff inside. It's like every other page is a gift pack of some sort. There are envelopes with stickers or posters or old scripts inside. There are tear-out valentines cards, a catalog of ACME products, a pop-up graphic dealy bobber, postcards, a wearable mask, all kinds of stuff. No kidding, look at these action shots...

Here is an old comic book reproduction within the book. You can leave it there or rip it out and run around the house with it:













Here are some script pages reproductions inside an envelope that's stuck in the book:


















The whole book is very much an insider's look at the process and legend of all those decades of great cartoons with never-before-published production sketches and all kinds of stuff that makes the nerd in you get all twitchy. If you or someone on your gift list is a cartoon fan, he/she/you/they/it will love this dang thing.

I'm not kidding. If I was, I would be honest about it.

Here's a place to buy it. (I get no kickback, I just like the book and the author)


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Book Suggestion

Here's another bit of business I've been meaning to get to: A good buddy of mine has released his first book of cartoons and I'd like all of you to buy 100 copies and convince a 100 of your friends to do the same. If he doesn't sell enough books, his wife will make him quit cartooning and go back to being a small child working in an illegal shoe factory in the 3rd world.

So click this link and get to it! We've got a little boy to save!

THIS IS ALSO A LINK TO THE BOOK. WHAT A GREAT HOLIDAY GIFT THIS WOULD BE!


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VeganMoFo

Here's a link to a month-long blogosphere event called VeganMoFo. Thought some of my herbivore buddies might like it.

http://veganmofo.wordpress.com/

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Fun Web Site

Today I'd like to mention a favorite web site of mine. It's called Fwithpeople.com and every day some guy named Doug writes emails back and forth with an unsuspecting person, just to be an idiot and "F" with them. It's not as cruel as it sounds (or as you might hope it would be if you're a heartless "A" hole) but it's funny. I always get a smile or six from it so I wanted to share.

Directions:
1. click link
2. read some of it
3. bookmark
4. repeat

http://fwithpeople.com/


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Cancer Fuss

Yesterday's post garnered some criticism about my assertion that there would be less cancer if people ate vegan diets. I don't want to start a never-ending war of comments and I normally would answer this kind of thing in the comments section itself, but this seemed important enough to post about. As requested, here is a link to one of many articles that supports my comment:

http://www.pcrm.org/resch/edresources/nutr_curr/nutr_curr_2.html

There are many other studies cited on that site, which is run by Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, not fringe animal rights activists. I just wanted respond to the accusation that I am spouting off irresponsibly or without evidence. Each person's ethical code is their own business, of course, but mine does not allow the intentional victimization of another for my own benefit, except in cases of self defense against that other being. So I don't believe in torturing others to cure ourselves. That's just me, your results may vary and objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

In short, according to medical information I've read: yes, cancer has numerous causes, susceptibility is genetic, and diet can strongly affect your chances of getting it and recovering from it.

OUR SUNDAY DATE

Boys, girls, men, women, undecided,

If you're like me, you're thinking, 'what can I do this Sunday that would be fun, rewarding and delicious?' The answer is only three words away: Come to Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary's annual Thanksliving event!

Here's what you get:
1. To wander around the farm on a beautiful fall day and see/touch the funny/cute animals. Including big, weird turkeys walking around among the guests.
2. To hear some people talk and play music in a big, comfy, heated tent, including some comedy stylings and cartoons by yours, truly.
3. To eat a many-course feast of world-class food while you're sitting comfortably in a chair and not cooking or cleaning up afterward.
4. To meet nice people, like me and CHNW, and hear us say how great it is that you came.
5. A silent auction and raffle with a lot of amazing products donated by amazing people and companies.
6. The warm heart-cockle feeling of knowing that you donated to help rescue and care for some jolly critters who really appreciate it.

Read more, buy tickets, come see us here.

What Came Before

I wanted to share this interesting video by a brilliant animator, Nina Paley. This is part of a series of work she is doing to help reframe the debate about copyright issues. This short film has a lot to say about religion and other forms of human creativity.

WILL FRANKEN SATURDAY IN L.A.

Since my last recommendation that you folks go to see Will Franken worked out so well for so many of you in the SF Bay Area, here's another recommendation for those of you in Los Angeles:

WILL FRANKEN
FULL-ON THEATRICAL ONE-MAN SHOW!!!! LIGHTS, SOUNDS, EVERY-MFING-THING
THEATRE ASYLUM
6320 SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9th (JOHN LENNON'S BIRTHDAY)
8pm IN THE EVENING TIME!
$15 ($5 off with password "FRIEND")

Buy the tickets online:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/130151

Just as before, you're going to want to see this guy before you die, preferably this Saturday. I guarantee he's like no other performer you've seen. Here's a clip with a warning:

THIS CLIP CONTAINS CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT MATTER AND WORDS YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LIKE YOU TO USE. VIEWER DISCRETION AND VOLUME CONTROL ADVISED.

We're Zombies Now

Here's a bit of fun from my friend, dc roberts. I sent him the photo at left of CHNW and me and he converted it into an animated zombie portrait that plays on a digital picture frame. Beleive me when I say it's the coolest, daddio.

To see what he did and find out how you can get him to do it to you, go to his page and click on the cartoon drawing that most resembles the image here. You'll be glad you burned the .005 calories it took to click that link!

CHNW and Piraro as zombies...


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Bizarro iPhone App!!

Four quick facts about the Bizarro iPhone app:

1. Live content each day. What common peasants see in the newspaper today, super-high-tech coolios like you will see on your phone.

2. A year's worth of searchable archive at any given moment.

3. Only $1.99 per year. (That's all?! Are you freakin' kidding me?!) No, I am not.

4. Has magical ability to improve your sex life. *

5. The homepage is really long. Click on that picture I put here and measure it. Long.

Spread the word, spread the love, keep your poison ivy to yourself.
Your pal,
Dan Piraro

*depends on individual level of faith

Tough Guy, Ugly Baby, Free Show

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tough Guys.

Writing this cartoon made me wonder how long it will be before there is a "reality" show featuring actual boxers who have to perform feats of dexterity while wearing their gloves. Like typing or tying a shoe. Could happen.
This is one of those silly cartoons that has no particular point to it, which I mentioned in a blog a few days ago.

I suppose you could say the next cartoon is in the same category. I actually got this idea from my sister who recently became a grandmother, not that her grandson looks anything like this. She laughingly said she didn't know if it was genetic programming or what, but she honestly thought her new grandson was the cutest baby she'd ever seen.

It is genetic programming, of course, not just in her case but in the case of all mammals. If we didn't think our babies were cute as hell, nothing would stop us from smothering them the first time they woke us up in the middle of the night screaming. Scientists actually call this "the cute gene," and all species that need care as infants have it. Ones that are capable of surviving on their own the minute they're born aren't "cute," they just look like miniature adults. Snakes are an example. So, probably, was Ann Coulter.

On a happier note, Thursday night here in NYC is an art show at the Bowery Hotel. Performing a couple of live acoustic sets at the show is my friend Rhett Miller, solo artist and front man/singer/songwriter for Old 97s. He's amazing live – very energetic – and his songs are killer good. Go here for info, the show is free and I'll be there with CHNW, for sure. For an additional 40% off the cover charge, tell them Bizarro sent you. As I said, the show is free.