Cold Enough

Bizarro is brought to you by My Last Stop.

How's everyone holding up this winter? In most of the U.S. we're having record cold and snow. Brrrrrr! (That's the sound a human makes when it is cold.) CHNW and I almost moved to Maui last year but decided we were not quite ready to leave NYC. Now we're beginning to question that decision. We both look better in bikinis than in snowsuits.

Speaking of marriage, when CHNW and I announced to her parents we were getting married their response was, "Bad idea. Bad idea." Good thing I didn't ask in the traditional way. In fairness, I should mention that they now think it was a good enough idea.

On this cartoon about 4-D TV, I got a couple of emails from science types explaining to me that smell is not a dimension. Fair enough, but that's why I became a cartoonist instead of a science textbook author. I can just make crap up about anything I want and let the chips fall where they may. And there is quite a trail of misleading chips in my wake, cowboy, let me tell you.

Here's a cartoon about that person (or people) in your family that give you gifts that they think are perfect for you but could not be further off base. I once mentioned to my Aunt Sharon that I liked "kitsch art" and for my next birthday she sent me some ceramic tiles with food printed on them, the sort you're supposed to hang in your kitchen. True story. I wouldn't tell this story if there was any chance of hurting Aunt Sharon's feelings, but she's in solitary confinement now with no access to the Internet, so it's safe.

Hope you're warm and well-gifted today.

For these cartoons on groovy schwag, click below:
Marriage
4-D TV
Bunny

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Wind Spitting

(To see these cartoons bigger, click them. To find this McDonalds cartoon on fine merch, click here.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Childhood Dreams.

Today we have two cartoons about clowns. One from now and one from 1997.

I'm one of those people who think that clowns are creepy as hell. I've never found graphic representations or photos of clowns creepy, just the live version, the person dressed like a psycho getting in your face and trying to make you laugh. Even as a child I instinctively did not trust people in costumes. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, clowns, you name it. I couldn't help but think that if they meant me no harm they would not be concealing their identity. It's as simple as that.

Ronald McDonald is perhaps the most malevolent clown of all. The fact that the sort of worldwide cruelty and destruction that the McDonald's corporation is responsible for is represented by a clown is like something from a horror movie. They guy owns thousands of things called slaughter houses, for one thing. "Slaughter" isn't a funny word. I wont' go into a lot of detail, but the animal cruelty, environmental destruction and international health crises that are wrought by cheap hamburgers and chicken parts is a holocaust. I know it's the way the world works and it will not likely ever change, I'm just saying it sends chills down my spine.

I drew the McDonalds cartoon shortly after CHNW and I spent the night in an emergency room when she was hit by a NYC cab. Hospital ERs are not fun to draw because they are either incredibly spare and dull, like the doorway I've drawn here, or incredibly complex, like the rest of the rooms full of gadgets and equipment. It's a no-win for an artist.










"Fopah the Clown" is a weird little story about politically correct language. I don't remember why I wrote it or what I was thinking, but I've never been a fan of PC language in general. After seeing it evolve over the past 30+ years, I think it is a great way to act like we're doing something to end discrimination without really doing anything. Seems to be little more than lip service.

I could be wrong and probably am. I'm just one man spitting into the wind on a blog, as usual. Please come back and watch me spit some more next week.

Hope the rest of your weekend is like this.

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Sexy Children Dogs

Bizarro is brought to you today by Contraceptive Fashion.

People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue comes out on November 17th and if they don't pick me this year, I say SCREW THEM. I have all of the qualifications they list: I'm alive and I'm sexy. (Says CHNW) So what is the holdup?

If they pick some damn vampire actor again, I'm going to the deli across the street from my apartment and turning over the magazine rack. Seriously.

On to more pleasant topics, here is a cartoon about witches who eat children. So she's heading out to pick up lunch with an empty stroller. Get it? What's funnier than eating children?
(Note to children reading this blog: Ask your parents if they have updated the anti-witch security devices in your home. Firefighters recommend changing the batteries on January 1st each year.)

Finally, from the archival vault (trash bags in my basement) comes this ancient Sunday comic from October of 1998. This was before I started coloring on computer, hence the colour de crapola, as they say in French. You can click on it to achieve biggerness, which will enable you to read it more good.














Dogs are so cute. By the way, where can I get one of these for my very own?


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Zilla Math Cell Phone

Bizarro is brought to you today by No One Zilla.

Today is a special presentation of Unusual Mail From Unusual Readers. The day after the Godzilla cartoon at left ran in the paper, I was copied on the following email, sent to the Tacoma News Tribune editor. The author allowed that I may post this letter here as long as I do not edit it in any way, including his "job title."

October 19, 2010

Dear Tacoma News Tribune Editors:

I would like to correct a misperception that Dan Piraro, creator of the
"Bizarro" comic panel, has introduced with his 10/18/10 panel. In it he shows a
Godzillan instructor before a blackboard on which the populations of Tokyo and
Wyoming are written (12,790,000 and 493,782, respectively), explaining to a
couple of lecture attendees that "As you can see, the caloric density of Tokyo
is more than two dozen times that of the entire state of Wyoming." While
technically correct, this vastly understates Tokyo's superiority as a homo
sapien meat source over Wyoming. Piraro has made the simple error of dividing
the two populations to obtain his "two dozen times" figure. Caloric density,
however, is a function of food source population divided by the food source's
geographical area. Tokyo covers 844 square miles while Wyoming covers 97,814
square miles, meaning that the caloric densities of Tokyo and Wyoming are 15,154
humans per square mile and 5 humans per square mile, respectively. Thus the
caloric density of Tokyo is more than 3,000 or 250 dozen times that of Wyoming,
not 24 or two dozen as Piraro states. For any species dependent in whole or
part on human flesh for its survival, that is a huge difference. (Why the
difference? Overconsumption of human stock in Wyoming by Tyrannosaurus Dick.)
I don't wish to unduly criticize Dan Piraro, who is a fine cartoonist, but I'm
sure that if Gary Larson were still covering the animal husbandry beat, this
error would not have crept into the pages of your newspaper. I hope you will
publish this letter to properly inform your readers of Tokyo's true magnificence
as a food source. To reassure readers unable to afford transoceanic passage to
Japan, I note that the caloric densities of Tacoma and Seattle are 4,107 and
6,799 humans per square mile, respectively. While Seattle-area metropolises
don't offer as calorie-abundant an environment as Tokyo, Seattleites' rich diet
of liberal hypocrisy, complacency, and arrogance make them some of the tastiest
eating on the planet.

Sincerely,
Brett Landgraf
The Pink Nigger

His math is correct, of course, and I regret the error. Mr. Landgraf and I have corresponded on another occasion, which I will not post in its entirety here, in which he explained why he insists on being called "The Pink Nigger." His answer, paraphrased, is that his skin is pink (caucasian) and he is, at least in part, a slave to property and labor markets. My guess is that he is fiercely libertarian, but I could be wrong. Whatever his philosophy, I found his letter amusing and wanted to share. (Note: I'm not one to believe that words are taboo, only context. If I thought his use of "nigger" was meant to promote racism, I wouldn't have posted it here.)

On to the next cartoon: I thought of this gag when trapped in public on my cell phone during a difficult conversation. I wanted to scream but did not wish to abuse the others around me. And no, it was not a conversation with CHNW.

For today's blast from the Bizarro archives, click on the No One Zilla link in the first sentence of this post.

Cheers. (salutation, not sit-com)



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Dog Judge Voyeur

Bizarro is brought to you today by Jailer's School.

I got some interesting mail on the dog cartoon. A handful of people wrote to me and said how much they liked this cartoon, two of whom were professional cartoonists. This surprised me a bit, I didn't think it was all that clever, just sort of a funny visual. One site, The Comics Curmudgeon, one of my favorite daily reads and one that makes its bread by skewering cartoons, posted it just because they liked it. I secretly always wanted to be on that site but not for the eviscerating reasons that cartoons usually end up there. It was a dream come true.

Even more surprising was an email from someone who normally loves my work but hated this one because it was "cruel." Perhaps they did not realize it is only a cartoon man, no "real" people got hurt.

This brings us to Casual Friday. I've never worked in an office with a dress code and have always pitied those who do. It's particularly ridiculous when you have to wear something completely outside the norm, like a choir robe. Would people show less respect for someone in a suit? The British really go to town with this tradition, dressing their judges up like old women. Even their lawyers (which they have another name for; "chips" is it?) have to wear wigs and doilies. Try as I might, I cannot understand this kind of behaviour. (spelled the British way.) For consistency's sake, they should also make the defendants dress up in costumes. Perhaps something more amusing to break up all that black and grey. I'd like to suggest a duck costume since if things don't go well, they may be going "up the river."

Today's ancient offering is about history, science, voyeurism and religion. Here in NYC, people regularly spy on each other with binoculars and telescopes. It's just a given when so many of us live so closely together in high-rise buildings. You get used to it and don't think anything about it after a while. When I first came to NYC, my future wife, CHNW, used to routinely walk around her apartment at night in various stages of undress. I asked her why she didn't close her blinds and she said, quite innocently, "What's the point? The only thing across the street is a rectory full of priests." (Not to be confused with a rectum full...)

I shudder to think how many crises of faith she instigated as those poor souls struggled to maintain their commitment to celibacy. Except for the gay or pedophile ones, of course.

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Self-Loathing Baboon Photo

Bizarro is brought to you today by Vacation Surprises.

Here are three jokes I really like; two new ones and one from 1998.

The basic idea for the baboon joke was sent to me by a reader. I really wish I'd thought of it. So perfect. My wife, CHNW, had heart surgery when she was 20 because one of her valves had been eaten away by a random infection. She needed to have the valve replaced and was offered either a mechanical one or a pig's valve. As regular readers know, she's an avid animal rights activist so you can imagine her response to the pig valve. She got a mechanical one, of course, and now ticks like a clock. When it's really quiet, you can actually hear it.

"Whack-A-Mirror" is based on the popular "Whack-A-Mole" arcade game. I love the self-loathing aspect. Not sure why, I guess because I hate myself sometimes. Don't we all? Please tell me you hate yourself sometimes, I don't want to be the only one. That would give me more reason to hate myself.

This final gag from the archives of Bizarro International Headquaters is a longtime fave of mine. I've seen a few takes on the "I can take that for you if you'd like to be in it" phenomenon, but this is among my favorites. In those days, I used to draw TONS of background on almost every cartoon. I do less of that now because I already work too many hours and the joke is the same either way. Even still, I draw more backgrounds than 99% of cartoonists, so I don't feel so bad. No mirror-whacking for me today.

Invasion Scenario

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hot Letters.

I drew this cartoon because I, myself, am a non-Henderson. 'Nuff said.

Here is a story about last night:
CHNW and I were spending a quiet evening in our upstairs living room watching television when suddenly, around midnight, I spotted movement in my periphery and turned my head to the darkened corner of the room where our spiral staircase ascends from the ground floor. There, rising like one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, was a large male figure.

Huge, pointy-clawed hands which I did not know resided within my chest grabbed my heart and squeezed hard, using their hairy elbows to push all of the air out of my lungs. For a solid 2 seconds, I was certain we were the victims of a home invasion and my mind raced to think what pointy or heavy object was within arm's length with which I could defend our lives and homestead. As he reached the top step and moved into the room, my razor-sharp brain suddenly recognized him and the claws let go of my heart as I was able to breath again.

For the past few days, CHNW and I have had a house guest, whom we will call Victor because that is his name. He is a youngster, college-age, and he was spending a few days in the city to see some Broadway shows and get lost in the city trying to navigate the subway system. Last night he went to see Avenue Q, a terribly funny show which I can recommend to anyone who enjoys funny things. (CHNW and I were watching HBO's True Blood, which I can recommend to anyone who likes blood.) Victor had been gone since around noon and I didn't hear him come in downstairs. Because my mind is more like a pocket calculator than a desktop computer, I had forgotten all about him.

In all my life I've never been so happy to see a male college student and he, CHNW and I had a good laugh. CHNW pointed out that the only weapon-worthy object in the room was my statue from the National Cartoonists Society. Victor came very close to being the first person in history to be murdered by a Reuben Award; a very dubious distinction, indeed.

And I would likely have been the first person to use the "I'm sorry, officer, I forgot he was staying with us" defense.

Weird and Wonderful

(Click on the cartoon for a larger, prettier version)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Cast of "Wicked".

Every now and then a cartoon pops into my head and I instantly know it's good. I usually smile and jot it down quickly then take the rest of the day off drinking champagne on my yacht off the coast of Monaco. This was such a cartoon. The theme and caption are so ripe, so low-hanging that I still can't believe something like this one hasn't been done before. It probably has.

Someone wrote to me and asked if I was referring to a specific politician or circumstance, but of course I was not. This cartoon says a lot about most of the people who get into politics, especially at the upper levels. Not all, mind you, but the overwhelming majority (in my opinion). If you have a favorite politician that you really believe in, just tell yourself I'm not referring to him or her.

On another topic, yesterday I was driving through Manhattan and saw a woman crossing the street about a half block ahead. She was about 5' 3", thin, and was wearing a lime green, tight-fitting, sleeveless, short-shorts-jumpsuit sort of thing. Kind of like a one-piece swimsuit. She had a bright yellow, wide belt and was carrying a bright pink purse which matched her high heel shoes. The sides of her head were shaved bald with a patch of hair on top like a beret, which had been died the same bright yellow as her belt. She also had quite a few earrings. At first I thought, "There's an unusual looking young woman," but when I passed her I saw that she was likely in her 70s. (A glimpse of CHNW's future?)

I love that about New York. If I hadn't been riding my motorcycle, I would have whipped out my phone and grabbed a picture.

Have a dandy holiday weekend, American readers.

Can't Miss This

ENTERTAINMENT ALERT!

If you're in the northeast, come to Woodstock Sanctuary next Saturday, May 29th for a concert on the farm with Chrissie Hynde (of The Pretenders) and Welsh songwriter, JP Jones.

It will be fun and cool and awesome and all the money goes to the sanctuary. I'll be there along with CHNW and my whole posse of closest pals. We can chat and pretend to be friends and in such an intimate setting, you might also get to meet Chrissie, because, let's face it, you always wanted to!

If you do drop by, be sure to introduce yourself and say you read my blog. I'll fawn over you real good!

Tickets and info.

Prehistoric Diplomacy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Prehistory.

I'm happy to say that this was a very popular cartoon, judging by the mail I received. I thought of it as a purely visual gag but as it developed, it became a nice statement about the way different people think. Some of us try to solve problems with cooperation, logic, shared information and common interests, others want to use a hammer. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from there, political and otherwise. One could easily see this as a cartoon about foreign policy, of course.

Cutting it short today, it's 80 degrees and sunny in Brooklyn and CHNW and I are hopping on the motorbike and heading to Coney Island. Not for the roller coaster or freakshows, but the ride out and back will be grand. Hope things are sunny and freaky where you are.

Stupidly Suspenseful

Bizarro is brought to you today by Therapy.

For readers familiar with the TV show "24," this cartoon is self explanatory. If you're not, Jack Bauer is the preposterous, soap-opera-style hero of the fictional Counter Terrorist Unit of the U.S. government. He is a combination of James Bond and Batman, all wrapped up in the 5', 4", elfen body of Kiefer Sutherland. Bauer gets what he wants by threatening and torturing people, not unlike a Jack Russell Terrier.

In spite of it's myriad inconsistencies, preposterous plots and shameless overacting, or perhaps because of those things, CHNW and I have become avid fans over the run of the show. We never miss an episode, each of which takes several hours to watch as we pause it to laugh at the nonsensical twists.

Fly Crimes and Misdemeanors

Bizarro is brought to you today by Olympic Athletes of Other Worlds.

Today's cartoon is a collaboration between my friend, Richard Cabeza and I. We were discussing how short fly's lives are and then came to the idea of appropriate jail terms. We didn't actually bother to look up the lifespan of the common housefly, of course, that would have been too much like work. One of the nice things about being a cartoonist is that nobody can really hold your feet to the flames about inaccuracies. "It's just a cartoon," is a pretty good defense in virtually any situation.

Tonight is the big comedy show in NYC. I'm a little edgy, as I always am before a show, and I can't keep myself from ad libbing punch lines and cracking wise. It's a subconscious thing as my mind prepares itself to think quickly, but it's obnoxious as hell and CHNW does her best to stay away from me and keep conversation down to a minimum until showtime. Hope to see some of you there.

Until tomorrow, be well, my friends, and keep your hands and feet inside the cockpit at all times.

Parrot Psychology

Bizarro is brought to you by The Life of the Artist.

Knowing how to ask for what you want in life is an important skill. Many people suffer through years of discomfort within a relationship because they don't know how to ask for what they want from their partner.

This includes everything from simple things like, "I'd like you to spend more time on the backs of my knees during our lovemaking," to more complex issues like, "I would feel more comfortable if you did not sleep in full combat gear."

After years of therapy, I recently asked CHNW if she would be more sensitive to my insecurities regarding my checkered past. Specifically, I'd like her to stop introducing me as her "former jailbird husband." She happily complied, she'd had no idea it bothered me. Why did I wait so long?

I encourage all of my readers to work on these areas, as our friend the parrot is doing today.

Probing for Pasta

Bizarro is brought to you today by Chick Magnets.
I got a lot of positive mail about this cartoon, all of it from men saying they found this cartoon especially meaningful because the primary female in their life routinely behaves this way.

It's not politically correct to suggest differences in the behavior of men verses women, but I don't follow those rules because I think there are plenty of innate differences in the behavior of men and women and it isn't about superiority or inferiority, it's about evolutionary advantage. That said, it has been my experience that women are much more guilty of this kind of ordering than are men. That's not backed up by a scientific study or a national poll, I'm just citing several decades of personal experience. I can't think of an evolutionary advantage to it just now, but given enough time, I might be able to make something up.

My own CHNW does not do this very often but many of our female friends do. Three that I can think of off the top of my head are so bad about this that they seem dangerously close to invading the kitchen and supervising their meal. I have no doubt that they have consumed significantly more cook's saliva than those of us who can stick to a menu. As a vegan, I often will say "without cheese," but that's usually the extent of it. I'm hoping that isn't enough to raise the chef's ire.

On a different note, I Tweeted the picture below last week and a lot of people liked it, so I'll share it here with you. I took this shot off of my TV screen, it is of a man who was weighing in about the U.S.A. vs. Canada, gold medal men's hockey match. I think he's the pope of Canada.

Laws of Nature and Beyond

Bizarro is brought to you today by Better Living Through Force.

I haven't much to say about this GPS cartoon other than I hope everyone understood it. The idea was that the GPS led them to a cliff above their destination, then instructed them to drive off the edge. It seemed funny when I thought of it, but I'm not sure about the final result. I like GPSs but I don't like the voice. I prefer to just use the map part, like the one on my phone, and find my own way. I don't trust the robot voice to always know the best way.

At long last I am back in front of my computer where I belong. I went to Florida this past weekend with CHNW. I was hired to do a speech for a humanist group down there, the Center For Inquiry folks, and had a great time. Good people, smart questions, laughed a lot, took me to lunch after. What's not to like?

After the talk on Saturday, CHNW, her dad and I drove to an interesting little place called Ybor City where we hit some shops and had a beer. In old timey times there was a big cigar factory there where hundreds of people hand-rolled cigars all day. The tradition continues as there are cigar shops all over the place and a few people sitting in storefront windows rolling away. If you're into cigars, this is a real treat.

This pic at left was taken with my iPhone and I think it turned out pretty swell.

Even if you're not into cigars, it is strange to see so many smoke-friendly establishments within
the borders of our law-infested land. Smoking is so uniformly despised in the U.S., even outdoors, that walking down 7th Street in Ybor City feels more like Cuba than Florida. I often get chastised by friends and fans for smoking cigars, but I try to be considerate. I usually smoke at home and never smoke around crowds of any kind unless I'm walking quickly. I figure if my passing by with a cigar is enough to set someone off, they need more help than anti-smoking laws can give them.

Lots of things annoy me momentarily in public – bad music, mullets, cologne, confederate flags, cigarettes(they smell very different from cigars because they are crap tobacco and full of chemicals), people wearing fur, the smell of someone's fastfood, people who talk too loud on cell phones, defenders of Dick Cheney, the way everyone but me drives – but I just figure that's the price of leaving my house.

I cannot imagine a society in which we legislate against everything that briefly annoys someone. This encyclopedia of signs at a playground in Sarasota springs to mind. Looks like fun, doesn't it?

Words, Phones, Beards, Snow, Puzzle

Bizarro is brought to you today by Overly Long Book Titles That Make People Uncomfortable.
Today we have a bit of wordplay in the tradition of my cartoon idol, B. Kliban. This was another collaborative effort with my word-obsessed friend, Cliff.

Speaking of words:
1. Some commentators pointed out in yesterday's post that I have confused the meaning of the term "goatee" with "Van Dyck." I have no doubt you are correct, but I lost my facial hair terms chart the last time I moved and so was utilizing common vernacular.

2. A couple of people wrote in the comments section that they had small problems with one aspect or another of my Bizarro iPhone app. All I can say is that mine works fine as does my wife's and a handful of friends I've talked to, but I will mention your comments to the programmers. Bugs in phone apps tend to float around indiscriminately, depending on how good the 3G reception is in your area, how many times you've dropped your phone, and how hemp oil-stained your fingers are when you push the buttons. My exprience with iPhone apps is that all the stuff works most of the time in most apps, and they're either free or a couple of bucks, so I figure it's just the chance you take.

3. I don't have time to post a contest today because I'm out of town this weekend and trying to achieve some deadlines in early. I'm speaking to a Florida group from the Center for Inquiry, which should be fun and certainly a good deal warmer than Brooklyn.

4. To reiterate in larger type: SORRY, NO CONTEST PUZZLE THING THIS WEEK.

THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

So here it is President's Day and Valentine's Day back-to-back. Who can afford all of the presents for both such important holidays, especially in this sluggish economy?!

The solution is to get that special someone (and yourself) a Bizarro iPhone app! Boy, am I excited about it! I've been working for months with some very cool app designers here in NYC and we've come up with a new innovation in the comics-for-phones field!

Previously, with other comics apps, you could only buy a given number of cartoons and cram them into your phone and when you'd seen them all, that was that. Could take you ten minutes, could take you ten years.

With the Bizarro app, a NEW COMIC is added EVERY DAY! (The same comic that appears in newspapers.) PLUS, at any given time there is a YEAR'S ARCHIVE of comics that can be accessed super easy and fast from a handy-dandy calendar page. You can also click to access bio info about me (oh! so funny!), info about Bizarro (more humor!), and a help link if pushing buttons on a phone ends up being more than you can handle. Also, you can shoot an email to your other cool friends who might like this app, and you can leave comments. Last, but not least, you can
click to access this very ever-lovin' blog.

ALL FOR ONLY $1.99 PER YEAR! How can we give all of these laughs, drawings, insights, and life-changing experiences away for only $1.99 per year? I'm not sure, I'll have to ask them about raising the price to something more appropriate, like $10K per week. But for now, the price is DEAD CHEAP, so don't miss it!

As you can see from the graphic below, the home page is super long, so scroll down, amigos!

MAY I READ MORE ABOUT IT NOW?
YES! READ MORE ABOUT IT NOW!





Click it to big it...

The New West

Bizarro is brought to you today by Safety.

For those readers who have not visited a state in which it is legal to carry concealed weapons, this is a sign that you see with some regularity. It is alarming to people like me, who are not used to seeing this kind of thing.

CHNW (my Crazy Half-Nekked Wife) was visiting family in South Dakota recently and we were chatting via cell phone one day while she was out shopping. She read a sign like this one to me as she was entering a store and I offhandedly asked if there was a pile of guns next to the door. Hence, the cartoon.

I don't usually get cartoon ideas from real life situations since most of my cartoons are more surreal than reality. But in this case, not much exaggeration is needed to make this surreal. If I lived in a community in which a lot of people were toting guns, I'd likely be tempted to get a gun to protect myself from all the guns. Seems like a slippery slope.

Without getting too political, if you look around the world at countries where guns are plentiful and unregulated, it is hard to find one you'd even want to visit, much less live in.

Cartoons and CONTEST!

Bizarro is brought to you today by Super-Fun-Pack Comics!

I'm still backlogged with cartoons not posted while I was in Florida with the insects, so here's another super-fun-pack, to borrow a phrase from the inimitable Ruben Bolling.

The origami cartoon is my favorite because it's dry, funny, and SUPER easy to draw. Makes my job so much easier when I come up with one of these. Because I am obsessed with details and background, however, it is rare.


Here is a fun take on the cartoon cliche of the guy in the bar telling a hotty that his wife doesn't understand him. If you think about it, it's a ridiculous premise no matter how you draw it. NO man's wife or mother understands him. It's a given!

Speaking of marital problems, here is a cartoon about them now. When I do cartoons like this, people who know me often assume that CHNW and I are having problems. Of course we are not, we are huge celebrities and do not suffer from the day-to-day maladies of the average joe and jolene.


I like this gag because I hate it when people talk on their cell phones while driving. (An ex-girlfriend of mine used to always say, "'hate' is a strong word" everytime I would say "hate." She didn't understand me.)

A reader wrote in to tell me that it is not "ironic" that he hit the guy he was talking to, but rather "coincidental." He's probably right, but like the vast majority if Americans, I have no idea what the word "ironic" actually means.

I sincerely hope you have enjoyed this short tour of last week's postings. I'll be putting up a contest tonight, this time at 7pm NYC time. Hope you'll dig it like a dog's bone.

Photo: Self portrait by CHNW

Florida Vacation Pics

Here, today, for what it's worth (probably very little) is my vacation blog. Whatever.

I took last week off and went to the Gulf coast of Florida with CHNW to hang out with her dad, a terrific guy and also a professional cartoonist. Getting out of town for a 365-day-a-year deadline person like me is very hard. I usually work 6 to 8 hours a day, seven days a week, so to get ahead by a week I have to double that. It's bad.

The first night in Florida I let loose and relaxed with way too much scotch. The pic above was taken at sunset, holding my camera as still and level as I could. It got worse as the evening wore on. I haven't been that drunk in over ten years, I'm happy to report.

The next morning, bleary-eyed and swollen-headed, we drove down to an old beach resort on Captiva Island. Along the way, CHNW discovered that if she held her mouth open in the wind, it would blow her cheeks out and vibrate them. We all laughed and I wished my headache would go away.

CHNW and her dad, Ralph, have been going to Captiva yearly since she was 5 years old. This was their 30th year. One of the things they always do is have dinner at an indescribably weird place called The Bubble Room. Out in the various parking areas, The Bubble Room leaves nothing to chance with plenty of parking signs. From top to bottom: "Any car parking on roadway will be ticketed and towed," "Bubble Room parking," "You must find legal parking," and "Additional parking across the street." If a person visiting The Bubble Room gets towed or ticketed, they should not be let out of the house without a guidance counselor.

Here is a nice shot of Ashley breaking out of the gorilla cage outside The Bubble Room. We feel confident that no one has ever taken a shot like this before.

Inside, one finds an insanely decorated world of hallucination and chaos. The diner is never left wanting for wacky and kooky things to look at. You can see how much fun I'm having in these candid shots.











One good thing to do at a beach resort is to visit the beach, which we did daily.


To answer a question that I get a lot, yes, I do swim with a cigar.











The dapper gentlemen shown here was screaming at me for "swimming topless again." After some clarification, we discovered he had mistaken me for his wife. He said it was the cigar.









In spite of the fact that I am a huge celebrity, I like to look for shells just like a normal person. When I do this, I call myself Captain Beachcomber. The cape is particularly effective if there is a stiff breeze.













Because we were there the week before Halloween, the resort was decorating for a party. We found the bottom of a mummy in the parking lot and used it for these quaint shots, which make us look extremely thin.

This next sequence shows my willingness to share with the dead. (click it to big it)





And what family vacation destination is complete without a naked, bald, beaten and dismembered woman?









Florida is known for its large bugs, which we discovered first hand when attacked outside our cabin by this spider.






















We also happened across some Xmas decorations stored in a carport. Here are two Santas, one with significant saltwater decay and the other completely out of the closet.












Something we came across in town was this interesting graffiti technique of scratching your message into a leaf. These samples were all found on the same tree. Be sure to click the image for a larger view so you can read them. Locals told us that Ryan left town and is fine.

I have more pictures but they are even more boring than the ones featured here, so I'll end now. I hope you enjoyed my vacation blog as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.





I will leave you with this picture of me and CHNW's dad, Ralph, as I attempt to prove to him that his daughter did not, in fact, marry an effeminate wimp. I think I nearly had him convinced until moments later, when I attempted to jump the marsh on my rented bicycle. This episode ended with me running from a startled egret, screaming like a little girl.