Sunday, January 2, 2011

Plans for 2011

(Why don't you click this cartoon and make it larger. Are ya chicken?)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Vintage Eyewear.

Welcome to 2011, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and undecided. It's going to be a fabulous, futuristic year, I can just tell. How do I know? Well, for one thing, 363/365ths of the year is still in the future. What does that tell you?

I'm not one to make new year's resolutions because I drink so heavily that by January 3rd I can never remember what it was that I was going to resolve to do, but here are some things I am looking forward to doing in 2011. I hope you'll join me.

1. Learn to fly. I'm not talking about in a plane –– who can afford all those costly lessons and the big metal machine itself? Not a middle-rate cartoonist like me, I assure you. So I'm going to learn to fly using my mind. Scientists estimate that the average person uses only 10% of his brain. I'm pretty sure I used that much just trying figure out how to set up my Facebook page, but that means I've got 90% of it left to dedicate to flying. I'm going to start working on it tomorrow, which means I'll have to dress pretty warmly.

2. Write, produce, direct and star in an Academy Award winning film. This is something I've been wanting to do since I was a kid. I'm not getting any younger, so this is my year. If you're a member of the academy, please vote for me next December or whenever it is that that happens.

3. Invent teleportation. I think this could be big. For years, people have been complaining about how crappy the airlines have gotten, well wouldn't it be cool if we didn't need them at all? We could just push a little pocket remote or something and appear wherever we wanted to like magic? I think it would really catch on. Of course, those of us who have learned to fly with our mind might still take that option from time to time if the weather is nice and we want to see the sights.

4. Clean my motorcycle. I ride my motorcycle all the time in good weather and I kind of neglected keeping it clean and shiny last year. I'm going to keep up with that in 2011.

5. Change some football rules. I like to tape football games (college and NFL) and play them back while I'm inking and coloring cartoons. It's mindless entertainment, something I don't really have to watch all the time, I can just look up when I hear the announcers getting excited. But some of the rules need changing. One is that if you act too much like an orangutan, you get thrown out of the game and can never play again. I don't like it when somebody makes a good tackle or scores a touchdown, then beats his chest and bares his teeth and stomps around like King Kong. It's just not good sportsmanship. I say, let your skills do the talking and skip the drama. This new rule will put an end to that.
Another is that if a referee makes a bad call and they don't reverse it after I see the slow motion replay, they get fined. While I'm at it, I'll make it so the money they pay comes to me.

I think that's all I am planning for the new year but it is after noon so I'm pretty drunk, so who knows, I may be forgetting something. If you've made resolutions for the new year, make sure it isn't to join a gym and get in shape, because statistics show that the gym will be super crowded by people like you for the first couple of months, then you and everyone else will stop going but you'll have to send money to the gym every month for a long time. That's their secret business plan. For the rest of the year you'll not only hate yourself for being out of shape, but also for being $? a month poorer. A better way to stay in shape is to steal someone's purse three times a week. It encourages you to run like hell and you'll make a few bucks each time.



Kalli said...

Speaking of vintage eyewear, here's a comic you may enjoy! Best wishes to you and yours this coming year!

Bubba the Fett said...

Sorry to break it to you, mate, but the thing about humans only using a tiny portion of our brains is a myth. Nobody can figure out how this notion got started, as no scientist has ever actually made that claim. Douglas Adams propagated the myth by writing about how we use the rest of our brains for penguin storage, but he certainly wasn't the first one to mention the myth. We use large portions of our brains just on automatic processes that go on while we're sleeping or watching reality TV, never mind what we're using when we actually do something or, you know, think. I've heard something like 70% gets used just by literally walking and chewing gum at the same time.

Too bad, though, since it's an appealing notion, as it would explain so much of our behaviour.

Right, then, sorry to ruin the fun, carry on with your antics, good sir, carry on. :-)

Anonymous said...

my resolution is the same resolution I had last year.
1680 by 1050.
although my PC at home uses 1280 by 1024.

either way, I'm happy to report I was able to stick with it throughout 2010.

roger kehoe said...

Hello Dan: Plenty of humor in your rambling, but then it is late and I am pretty drunk as well. your comment on the ballplayers struck a memory. The Edmonton Eskimos of the CFL used to have a quiet bruiser named Dr.Dave Fennell. When a young player of color did the orangutan, he would walk up to the kid, gently pick him up with a fatherly one armed shoulder hug and say in a quiet voice "say kid, when you get to the endzone, try to make it look like you have been there before", then set him down and walk slowly back to the huddle. Methinks there is a cartoon here somwhere and if you did use it there are probably only 3 people on the planet who would remember the event, 2 of which have resolved to drink more in 2011 Keep up the good work, Roger Kehoe (devolution)

eLLen said...

Ahaha, stealing someone's purse three times a week? That's the most fabulous plan to get fit ever!