Saturday, December 11, 2010

Quintuple Tragedy











(click the pic to make it big)

Bizarro is brought to you today by A Leisurely Drive.


Hey, I went to a holiday party last night and they had a very fun live band. But it turned out that was not the most exciting part of the evening.

Nor was the most exciting part when we left the place at midnight, hailed a cab out front of our friends' building, and my formerly lovely wife, Ashley, stuck her head into the passenger-side door window and said to the driver, "Will you take us to Brooklyn?"

The most exciting part was when the cabbie suddenly stepped on the gas (fear of Brooklyn? involuntary leg spasm?), throwing my formerly lovely wife to the street, conking her head on the pavement and knocking her unconscious.

Not being a trained crime fighter, instead of drawing my gun and shooting at the cab or simply getting the car's number, I fell to my knees and began shouting to her, asking if she was okay. She was not okay, as her bloodied and sleeping face quickly told me.

I called 911, they came quickly, tossed us into an ambulance and brought us to an emergency room at the other end of the bumpiest street in the tri-state area. With what it costs to ride in an ambulance, you'd assume that included some sort of suspension system, but you'd be wrong.

Upon entering the ER, the first thing I learned was that all of the employees are superstitious. They forced me to put my camera phone away, presumably fearing I would steal their souls. I told them I had all I could handle with my own soul and had no interest in theirs, but that reassurance seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Now in the trauma room, at first there was a lot of clothes-cutting, shouting of inane questions to get a brief test of Ashley's I.Q. –– What's your name? What day is this? Do you realize we're ruining your fancy party clothes by cutting them off because it is so much more dramatic than removing them the normal way? –– and bandying-about of medical terms like "stat", "cc", "saline," and, "Sir, put that camera away, we're not going to ask again!"

One interesting thing I found out was that you don't really have to leave the trauma room if you don't want to. I learned this after they asked me several times, rather sternly, to step outside and I simply said, "no." Instead of calling security or producing a taser, they just sort of looked disappointed and went on about their business. In their defense, however, they were being forced to ask me and this caused them fear; "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside," they said over and over. "No," I blandly stated each time and this seemed to allay their fears for a few more minutes. I was, after all, standing calmly off to the side, not scrubbing up and offering to help.

After seven hours of poking, prodding, testing, and mostly waiting on gunshot and knifing victims to be treated, they gave her a couple of stitches in her eyebrow where previously there were none and sent us home, warning her to keep her head away from speeding taxis and the pavement until it healed.

They further admonished her not to get the wound wet for 24 hours, which is a real drag because she has quite a lot of dried blood in her hair. I'm sure it will be uncomfortable for her to sleep with dried blood in her hair and I'm not downplaying that at all, but what about me? I have to sleep with a woman with a face like Rocky Balboa and dried blood in her hair. That's not something I thought I'd ever say.

CHNW is a real trooper and was happy to allow me to publish these pics of her and make a humorous post out of this otherwise unfun event.

I would like to offer two bits of advice to you, dear reader:
1. If you are in NYC, do not ask a cab driver if he will take you somewhere. Get in the cab, close the door, and tell him where he is taking you. By law, they have to do it, but if your destination is not as profitable as they'd like, they will often get away before you can get in.
2. Avoid the holidays. You're safer at home where nothing moves quickly enough to knock you down.


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43 comments:

Charlie said...

terrible! Even with a black eye, CHNW has till got appeal! Hope she's better soon.

julie said...

Poor Ashley - hope she heals quick. I'm sure she'll be back to her beautiful usual self in no time, but head injuries are the worst. Take care of her. Should be filed under tag "concussions" instead of "confessions."

Superhero Spouse said...

Poor Ash! That blows like nobody's business and how. Speedy healing to the girl and a stiff bourbon for you, that must have been scary as hell.

Zucchini Breath said...

First the cable guy falls off of your roof and then your wife is mutilated by an automobile. I say look out for inanimate objects.

Jan Dreier said...

I am really sorry to hear and see that your wife got banged around by a bozo cabby. What really makes me mad, mostly at society at large, is the issue with the camera. It is a sad statement that we have become so litigious as a society, that emergency personnel is afraid of being photographed or filmed at work, because some shyster might be able to pick up on a minute breach in procedure to create a cause for case. Sad, sad, sad!
Hope she heals well and fast

coadygirl said...

OH Dan!!Holy Crap! I would've totally freaked out if that had happened to my husband. I'm so glad your wife survived this whole ordeal. Nothing else to say but you should wash her hair for her :)

Josh said...

What an adventure. I recently took a ride in an ambulance from an Urgent Care across the street to the ER and the bill ran $1500+, so I feel for you there. I wish your wife a speedy recovery.

Anonymous said...

Dan et al, I am so very sorry that this had to happen to you. God bless and heal quickly.
- Andrea E. Brown

Kelli Wissinger said...

I hope Ashley has a speedy recovery! I wish you two the best, and I hope that your remaining holidays will prove to be much less traumatic.
ER staff don't allow pictures because of their fear that if they do something wrong they can be held accountable for malpractice with evidence from such devices in court. You handled everything very well and I hope that Ashley feels better soon.
Take care Piraro!

Jym said...

=v= Yikes! Best wishes to Ashley.

Brian the paramedic said...

As a person who spends an inordiante amount of time in ambulances (by profession, mind you), ambulances as a rule are bumpy. Hovercraft ambulances are simply too much fun for us to crash or attempt to use as a fishing vessel, and therefore we can't have nice things. Sorry you and your associate by marriage got to enjoy the nicer aspects of the healthcare system.

But you're lucky you didn't go to the trauma rooms I frequent; you probably would have been tazered, even though I would have suggested otherwise.

Mike said...

You seem to know so much about how it ought to be done that I don't understand why you bothered with a hospital. You could have done a much better job at home and you wouldn't have ruined her dress in the process.

Pamela in Canada said...

What a terrible thing to have happen. Please give your still lovely and adorable wife my best wishes for a quick and complete healing, with as little pain as possible.

Kudos to you Dan, for insisting on staying in the trauma room. I've been in a similar situation and it is SO comforting to know your spouse is there, even if you can't see them at time.

Gentle hugs from Canada - Get well soon Ashley.

Andreas said...

Sorry to hear about the unplanned trip to the emergency room. Hope she is feeling better soon. A scar will just give her a new wabi-sabi beauty.

Neil J Murphy said...

Ye gods! I hope that looks worse than it is, but it probably isn't.

You should report this to both the TLC and the local precinct this happened in.

Get better soon, CHNW.

James said...

Dan, I hope your wife is back in full health as soon as possible. She's a truly strong woman.

Scott Carlson said...

I'm glad you story ends well enough, and I hope your wife has a speedy recovery.

Prospero said...

Yikes! I've only ever taken cabs in Manhattan to Manhattan locales, so have never had this issue. Too bad you didn't get a chance to get the a**hole's license number.

Anonymous said...

Wow... I just happened to surf by and read this. I'm very sorry this happened to your wife and I hope she'll recover soon. And hopefully somebody got the license plate of that idiot. Anyway, sending lots of healing thoughts towards your wife.

Ssteppe said...

Wow - hope there wasn't a concussion. What a story. Of course, as a professional, you know that Tragedy + Time = Comedy.
Speedy recovery, Ashley!

Anonymous said...

Nice elaborate fabrication to cover up obvious spousal battery, Piraro. Is this what she gets for catching you sneaking a chili-cheese dog?

June said...

My greatest sympathies to your wife. If she complains a week or more from now that this still hurts, say POOR BABY. Don't just tell her it will get better. She knows that. She wants a POOR BABY. Trust me, I recently took a face plant on an uneven paving stone sidewalk while not watching where I was stepping but hurrying to where I was going. Stitches and contusion and pain. Bah. Domestic associate kept saying don't worry, it will heal. I wanted POOR BABY. Ashley--here is a POOR BABY from me.

Lori said...

Yeesh! I am more happy than ever that I take the subway or walk when I'm in NYC. Not only do we have to worry about cabbies charging you extra for the ride, we apparently also have to worry about getting killed by them. Glad to hear she is doing okay, that must have been a horribly traumatic experience.

VeganVersion said...

I am so sorry about this. I hope she is feeling much better soon.

rob said...

Jeez. Crazy cabbies. Callous disregard for human safetey.

Allison said...

Oh no! I am glad she is cheery enough to indulge your picture-taking. Hope she weathers it okay!

Crazy Vegan Mom said...

what an awful thing to have happened, sorry to hear she was so hurt, but so glad she is doing ok. I hope she heals quickly with as little pain as possible. poor thing! You did the right thing staying with her, kudos on the good husband thing!

Janta said...

What, there was blood? I thought she is a vegan. Surely vegans are too anaemic to actually bleed?

I hope she recovers speedily. What a good sport to let you post her photos. I imagine you must look much the same as her now after calling her your "formerly lovely wife".

The word verification word for today is "hakentor", which is German for hook-gate, hook-goal, or hook-fool. I continue to be fascinated by those word verification words. I need to get a more exciting life.

shipping troll said...

I send out many healing Vibes to Mrs. Bizarro! I hope that your gorgeous wife is up and about soon, and that she gets that blood washed out of her hair!! She will have a great scar and a cool story to go along with it soon enough!

Michael Hagmeier said...

Speedy recovery to Ashley. What a scary experience!

Anonymous said...

I'm so, so, so, so sorry! But when my plans to take over the world come to fruition, all cab drivers everywhere will pay! They WILL pay...

...your medical costs, which should out to about $.03 from each and every one -- I did say "all" cab drivers, after all.

Anonymous said...

I hope she gets better soon.

Personally, if that had happened to me, and someone was taking a picture of my face for the internet, that wouldn't be a thumb....

Hal Apeno said...

Wow, I started to read this post thinking you were kidding. Fucking sack of shit cab driver! He'll get his.

BTW.. your wife is still lovely.

Anonymous said...

I'm confused. Formerly Lovely Wife Ashley = FLWA, which is different from CHNW?

Anonymous said...

So for the next few weeks will she be known as CHNBW (B for bruised?)?

Seriously, glad she is OK.

hugger-mugger said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Web said...

Peace and healing to you both.

P.S.: I made the mistake of reading some of the comments here and on your "Law of Cable" post. Is it permissible to link to yesterday's Dilbert? http://www.dilbert.com/2010-12-13/ Unfortunately some of the comments on your blog have recalibrated my lack of faith in humanity.

Brian said...

I take a few days off from my usual BizarroBlog perusal and this! I'm glad there was no concussion or coup contracoup injury!!! I do hope wifey gets much better soon and waiting on you hand and foot as you are accustomed, I am certain.

jckmnpa said...

That is horrible! I hope CHNW has a speedy recovery.

jckmnpa said...

That is terrible! I hope CHNW has a speedy recovery. Sending much love and healing light.

Aurelia said...

Oh, man! I am so very sorry this happened to someone as kind and compassionate as Ashley. Still, the girl looks gorgeous, black eye and all. Sending boatloads of virtual arnica and a heaping helping of healing thoughts!

Anonymous said...

what is CHNW!?
GWS!

Piraro said...

@Anonymous...CHNW stand for Crazy Half-Nekked Wife, which was the name of a post I did about her back in the very early days of this blog. Been calling her that ever since.