Monday, December 20, 2010

Bizarro Family Holiday Newletter














The Bizarro Family Holiday Newsletter, 2010, is brought to you by Holiday Gift Ideas.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Quanza, and Happy New Year to you all! Well, it is hard to believe that another year has passed here at Bizarro Headquarters, it certainly was a full one and brought many blessings!

Going all the way back to last spring, we received the wonderful news that my eldest daughter, Krapuzar, was getting married even though she was neither pregnant nor getting ugly. Having long ago become convinced that she was a lesbian, this was a shock to the entire family. And the best news of all was that the young man she married is not an asshole in any way, shape, or form. I don't think he even has an asshole, that's how special he is! We couldn't love him more, unless he were rich.

My youngest daughter, Krelspeth, had a very blessed year, too, as she did not add a single letter or piece of punctuation to her police record. Yes, 2010 will go down in Piraro family lore as the year that her police file remained in the file drawer throughout! Great job, honey! We all love you! (If you're reading this, call us. We won't try to find you or judge anything you've done. We just want to know you're all right.)

CHNW and I are doing well, too, and have much to be thankful for this year. We finally stopped going to the marriage counselor and so we saved a lot of money! We have also found that we argue less and enjoy each other's company more since the majority of our marital strife in recent years seemed to be centered around the fact that that cow of a counselor always took CHNW's side on everything! Even when she was caught shoplifting. I mean, I think a man has a right to complain about the cost of bail and legal representation when his wife is arrested for attempting to steal a pregnancy test, which she could easily have afforded! Don't you? Especially when that man got a vasectomy 7 years ago, so she couldn't possibly be pregnant in the first place. Give me a break.

I also received news from afar that was quite a surprise. Apparently I have a son that I never knew about and whose mother I don't even remember. He lives in a part of far northern Canada that can only be reached by dogsled and is very dangerous to even attempt to get to, and it only costs him $500 a month to live there. That's pretty cheap considering it includes food, utilities, housing and transportation! I'm sending it to him until he gets on his feet, one of which was nearly gnawed off by a polar bear he startled late one evening while taking out the trash. I feel really blessed by this new relationship, not only because he is a terrific young man, but because he could easily have lived somewhere like Paris and needed way more money every month. I mean, when I was traveling in Paris in my early years, I got lucky WAY more often than when I was in Canada. Which, to be honest, I don't remember ever visiting.

Career-wise, Bizarro has had a terrific year, too. To date, I have made over $61 from the ads on my blog, which thousands of people read every day for free. Forget about the PayPal Donation button just to the right of this post, just knowing that my copious efforts give you an occasional smile is payment enough for me.

Another great feather in my cartoonist cap is that another year has passed without some big, lumbering corporate movie studio making some glitzy, multimillion dollar 3-D animated abomination of my cartoons. What could be worse than having some Hollywood blockbuster with your name all over it and then watch it in the theaters and say, "Hey, that's not what I had in mind at all. That's kind of stupid." So, I've dodged that bullet for another year, thanks for asking.

Speaking of "dodging a bullet," I was very lucky and blessed to have dodged the one fired out front of our building last October. It seems the instigator of that particular flying piece of hot lead was the girlfriend of the guy who works at the tattoo parlor on the corner. She suspected he was "fooling around" with her cousin, to whose buttocks he evidently had recently applied a "Tweety Bird" tattoo. I was on my way to the deli across the street when I heard the whole story, or her side of it at least, and the bullets began flying. One narrowly missed my left ear by the sound of the air being cleaved by it. The tattoo guy was not as blessed as I was that day, however, as she managed to blow holes through several brightly-colored carp on his chest. Now we'll never know his side of the story.

That's the update from Bizarro Headquarters this year, hope your year was as special as ours. From all of us to all of you, may the invisible super hero in the sky of your faith bless us all in the coming year!


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19 comments:

Yet Another Steve said...

Dammit. Why is it that the ONLY holiday newsletter worth reading this year is from someone I only know through his cartoons and blog?

Anonymous said...

What the hell? -Monkeyboy

Anonymous said...

Dan you seem to be getting even funnier. Thanks for the smiles and laughs. Take care and give my love to Ashley.

George in Sarasota

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you shared that pregnancy test story! But you did do a great job embellishing it -- er, um, creating the whole darn thing. But the vasectomy bit is at least true and for that I will be forever thankful.
And thanks for not expecting any gifts from me for "Christmas."

jonathan said...

Darn! Your life is so much better than mine. All I do is read mildly interesting cartoon blogs on the Internet.

Lori said...

Brilliant. I wish all my Christmas Cards were so exciting. Or that I got any at all. :)

Anonymous said...

Dan, it was great making your acquaintance this year and doing a little work with you. For an edgy humorist you're an awfully nice guy.
Must be the diet.

Jerry in Walnut Creek

Ginny Gray said...

OMG Dan, you sure know how to make a girl feel guilty about not donating. OK ALDREADY!!! I'LL DONATE...after Christmas! Love your sense of humor and I hope your wife feels better soon.

Anonymous said...

for real? you actually have a son and the tattoo guy is dead! wow.

Doug Bratton said...

BEST... HOLIDAY... LETTER... EVER.

Pam agrees, I read it out loud to her, and she was literally "lol"ing as the kids say these days.

I hope Ashley's feeling better, and I hope you get out of the cold this winter!

MarkS said...

That donate button has been there all along? Well, I'll just have to play catch-up now, won't I?

Lessee here - each blog entry is worth about $5 on the hilarity meter and there's 4,285 entries....

Wait here, I need to go find a calculator. I'll be right back.

jmarcv said...

> so she couldn't possibly be pregnant in the first place.

Is it a coincidence that the next 2 images are of Mary & the Magic Baby?

Your Boy in Canada said...

Dear DaD,

You are so-oo funny ..
if I was a girl I'd
pee my pants fer sure.

p.s. hope I inherited the jeans

Northern Loon

Anonymous said...

Your sense of humor never ceases to amaze me. We laughed out loud at your latest cartoon "Interest Free Checking". Your holiday newsletter was great. Looking forward to next year.

Anonymous said...

lOVE READING MY FIRST CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTER FROM YOU. LOVED HEARING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND NEW ADDITION.

HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!

JANET DOWNING

Anonymous said...

It must have been hard to pick out the highlights of the year. If you were ever imprisioned for life, you'd have all you need to be content - your mind. Is reality real for you? I'll be waiting for next years Christmas letter.

Dan in Lincoln

Anonymous said...

Now and then something you do summons up a comment made by a
friend of mine on WW2. As a little boy growing up in Germany, he had been "recruited" into the Hitler Youth. At the war's end his father had been dragooned into a bunch of civilians dubbed the
"Volksturm (sic?)", had a weapon
shoved into his hands, and marched off to a bloody oblivion. "About
some things, he said, "the only response left is to laugh."

Seeing the way our country has
been going for some time now, I think it's time for you to get
political in a way that even the most dense true believer will
not fail to miss the point.

Vince S. said...

Dan you remind me of every quirky and funny friend I've ever had....well I've never had any friends, but if I did.....Thanks for all the laughs.

Anonymous said...

Okay, you know I'm your far away Hollywood fan, but I laugh hysterically at your Christmas card and then wonder if any of it's true. I will tell you this my friend, that "Interest Free Checking" cartoon, slays me. My whole family just cracks up over "I don't care." Absolutely, hysterical!
Happy, merry, happy, my cartoon buddy. Even though I'm bad about keeping in touch, I read you ever day!
M/