Thursday, September 4, 2008

Baby Lineup

Bizarro is brought to you today by Precious Angel Baby Muzzles.

I don't do a lot of "new parent" or "cute toddler" cartoons because it's been a long time since I've had those things around the house. Back in the eighties and nineties I used to have a couple of kids. Now I have adults which, personally, I far prefer.

But I still remember the mind-numbing effects of sleep deprivation and the smell of puke-soaked clothing. I was a modern dad, so I took turns with night feedings, and I can recall as though it were yesterday getting up at 5am with my eldest – Katherine, or Kelly, something like that – sitting on the couch shoving a bottle of milk in her noise hole while channel surfing to help me stay awake.

It was then that I discovered psycho-clown TV evangelist Bob Tilton. It was love at first sight and I began watching him almost daily. Shortly thereafter, I signed up for his mailing list and began getting all manner of idiotic posters and memorabilia designed to separate fools from their money. I plastered an entire wall in my art studio with his stuff. I even contemplated starting my own phony religion one day and bilking suckers of their hard-earned cash, just like Reverend Bob. I'm good on camera, have a captivating and persuasive personality, hate paying taxes. Why not me?

But I found myself in possession of a crippling disability that froze me in my tracks. I have a conscience. Though I do not suffer fools gladly, I do feel pity for them and cannot bring myself to cheat them. My loss, I guess.

Back to the subject of babies, when my adults were babies I promised them that someday, when I was very old and unable to take care of myself, I would repay the gifts they gave me as infants by screaming in their faces, puking on their clothes, and forcing them to change my diaper.

It seems the least I can do.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: No babies were harmed in the typing of this blog. Nor do I in any way recommend or condone unkindness to babies, the elderly, or any other innocent creature. Bob Tilton, however, does not qualify under this description.)

17 comments:

Leigh said...

All I can say is that I'm really glad that I breast fed my son and kept him in the bed with me. The waking up in the middle of the night thing just didn't happen.

I got tickets for the Oakland show next week! Can't wait! Will you jump for me? :D

Mike Duffau said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jadon said...

Tilton is still around, believe it or not. If you want to remember the past, though:

http://doorstore.wittenburgdoor.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TDS&Product_Code=BOBGG8&Category_Code=VID

Penny said...

Au contraire, my friend. One of my favorite cartoons from you is captioned (paraphrasing): "How to baby-proof the apartment," and shows the outside of an apartment door with a roll of razor wire in front of it. See? You DO feature babies in your cartoons!

Say 14 Hail Tiltons, gobble a bunch of birth control pills and sin no more.

And I saw this bumpersticker yesterday and want one badly: "Jesus was a community organizer, and Pontias Pilate was a governor.”

Penny said...

I was hoping someone would have this posted somewhere on the fabulous Internets. Speakers are required. Oh yes they are:

http://religiousfreaks.com/2006/02/26/robert-tilton-is-pastor-gas/

Shortcake said...

don't you only wish it worked like that? i have lived in several apartment complexes where living next to growing families was a familiar nightmare, and an EXCELLENT form of birth control. and of course you can't just yell at the babies to shut up, so you bite your lip and hope the parents die in a "suspicious" car accident.

derekamalo said...

i hate kids and everything they stand for thats why this is funny..


babies are worthless anyway you look at it .

i only thought my newphews were cool at 5 0n

RED SOX RULE

PIRARO said...

Derek- what do babies stand for?

Leigh- so glad you're coming to the show. We'll do the jump photo from stage if you remind me.

Jadon- cool, never saw that before, must have it.

Penny- I've always liked that cartoon, too. Thanks for mentioning it.

Shortcake- very dark.

derekamalo said...

babys stand for nothing but wallet draining, crap dumping, cock blocking, mother body ruining headaches...sorry is what it is

pencil lead said...

derek,

you're like an unemployed person claiming he's holding out for a CEO position at a Fortune 500 company. there may not be kids in your future, but its not necessarily your decision. just an observation.

Leigh said...

Derek...

Babies don't stand for anything. They are babies! If they don't like something, they say so with lots of noise and anime like expressions. Quite unlike their adult counterparts with all their passive aggressive BS.

Thinking about it... I suppose that you are much like a baby. You complain openly about stuff you don't like in an uneducated fashion, you drain your own wallet (perhaps others), you dump crap in greater mass then you did as a baby, you probably cock block other males, and give mothers with ruined bodies headaches. ;)

It does sound like you're on the right track, no procreating. After all, people really should make responsible decisions about spreading their genes around.

@ pencil lead

It is absolutely his decision. All he needs to do is get a vasectomy and he can complain about babies and breeders all he wants.

pencil lead said...

you missed my point - i'm guessing that derek is not exactly popular with the ladies.

fran said...

Since our special friend Derek deleted the photobucket folder containing all the comics he's drawn that Piraro has copied, I thought I might mention he posted the following on Callahan's myspace page:

"Jun 27 2008 7:51 PM

this is tomorrows bizarro look at the date my boy piraro turns some ofmy work into bizarros..."

this is followed by two comic panels, one by Derek and one by Piraro. They are virtually identical, not "inspired by" as Dan likes to put it. Sad.

derekamalo said...

lol fran


are you mad at me and dan for something.....

when you spammedme thanks for picking callahan.....i mentioned callahan rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!


dan is also a fan of john callahans

piraro was going to run an idea today as a mtter of fact that was a derek original but to many edtors refused...callahan would have appreciated that one

:).

hell show you next week.....and hell give credit to all those involved...

isee3dtoo said...

nmSend me $19 and a photo of your afflicted part and I will prey on you...

Send to:
Fleece the Flock, LLC
1999 Take-a-Buck Road
Gullible, TN

Legal: Not affiliated with the DNC, RNC, NRA, NAACP, AFL/CIO, WWE, WWF, PUMA, Bob Tilton for President foundation, or any other organization that promises some form of relief besides relief of your money.

Shortcake said...

i may look white, but my insides say differently. but i would never harm a living being if a gun were held to my head (says the varying-meat eating vegetarian). i guess i'm a walking/talking contradiction. at least i'm not in office.

isee3dtoo said...

Shortcake,

If a mosquito was biting you would you swat it?

Do you drive a car? What about all those bug that die on your windshield?

What makes a chicken more important than a cockroach? You can eat both.

I am not saying that I purposely try to kill anything, I open windows to let out flies. But roached die when I see them and I don't eat them, I let other buggies do that.

...