Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Celebrities in Jeopardy

Bizarro is brought to you by Creative Car Rentals.

As confounding as some celebrities are to us thinking people (a relatively low percentage of the public, so we must stick together) creating celebrities is natural, it's something we do as a species. Research scientists have observed similar behavior in chimps – given the choice of two buttons, one that produces food, one that shows them a picture of their troup leader, they will opt for the celebrity photo more often than one would think. So it is no surprise that as "troup" animals, we have an unquenchable thirst for information about certain ones among us who have acheived notoriety. What is surprising, however, is the wide range of qualities that can propel one to this ordained status.

Politicians are a no-brainer. They are our troup leaders, so of course we want to know everything we can about them and keep up with their day-to-day doings. In a very real sense, our well being depends on their actions.

Sports figures are understandable, too. For the vast majority of our evolution, we required a decent set of physical skills to get by – there was no handicap parking nor electric can opener in the Bronze Age – so it is reasonable to be interested in someone with extraordinary talents in that arena.

Actors, artists, musicians, writers and performers of all kinds entertain us and we like being entertained, so that's a natural. Murderers capture celebrity because once again, their actions may affect our survival.

So where does Paris Hilton fit into this primitive mindscape of celebrity making? My guess is SEX, pure and simple.

As mammals, our sexual impulses and proclivities are geared toward what our ancient biological programming thinks will be helpful to the survival of the species. (I'm speaking very generally, here, not about fetishes or abnormalities or anything out of mathematically mainstream human sexuality.) In this area, men and women are different.

Females tend to favor things like wealth, power, strength, age, ability, because a mate with these qualities can take care of them and their offspring, and endow their spawn with those characteristics. Males are simpler. They favor youth and the physical ability to bear and care for children over a long period of time. Which is why they go for looks (good looks = youth in the primitive mind) over quality. (Studies have also shown that adult faces that most people find attractive are those with proportions most similar to a child's.)

It is no surprise that men are simpler and more primitive than women. That's why there are often female celebs that have no discernable talent other than being "hot," but this virtually never happens with male celebs. They usually have to pretend to be actors or singers or something before they capture a magazine cover or get on a talk show. Good looks alone just doesn't cut it for us dudes.

On another note, here is a cartoon from last week that I
didn't post because I was out of town, frozen, ill, and busy. It's an idea from my pal and occasional contributor, Derek. I like the simple premise: what do you say to a person heading onto stage who already has two broken legs?

More tomorrow, thanks for reading. Until then, I remain your faithful servant and imaginary playmate.


Jeremy said...

I was hoping for a pic of Fabio in your mention then good looking dudes don't get as much attention with just their looks.

Chriss Pagani said...

Sex is part of it but I think it's also a money-power thing. Paris was born rich, she's a life member of the Lucky Sperm Club. This is the same category as Donald Trump

... Hey wait, I usually leave FUNNY comments, don't I? What's wrong with me?

Alex: It's been compared to The Hudson River, both for its size and level of pollution."

"What is Paris' Cooch...."

Anonymous said...

"I'll take 'Why is Paris Hilton famous?' for $500, Alex"

Did you hear this comment from the guy who works down the hall in accounting? Real obvious, very overdone, not funny.

FIDO said...

Freaken anonymous....never comes out with anything original just keeps dissing dan..

As most of you may know my grandpa or as they say in french pepere possesses a virgin ass

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful biological take on our culture. I can only imagine the 5 questions .... more impressively is the fact that 5 questions could be made from that category.

Anonymous said...

Amen, Fido.

Jeremy said...


I showed you mine, now you show me yours!

FIDO said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

For a millisecond, I thought Rob Blagojevich was in the back ground of the Paris Hilton photo! He was everywhere this week afterall....

Chriss Pagani said...

Well for the record, I thought this was a very funny concept 'toon!

I don't know what Anonymous Coward was thinking. For all I know, he was referring to my sophomoric comedy bit just above his comment rather than the work of the genius Piraro.

In that case, let me say that I don't give a tinker's damn if he thinks my contribution was funny or not. When he gets a paycheck for being funny, he can talk to me about it.
Haha... btw... the "word verification" for this comment is "palin" ..I kid you not!

"I'll take 'Brain Dead Zombies' for 100, Alex."

Anonymous said...

Pagani - listen, my delusional, paranoid friend. No one is talking about you. No one knows who the hell you are. I don't recall even reading your post, let alone commenting on it. You are hysterically funny. Is that the kind of reassurance you are looking for? You really don't give a "tinker's damn" if I think you are funny? You just wrote an entire paragraph telling me about how you don't care, so kinda sounds like you do. And do you "get a paycheck for being funny"? Because you have no idea if I do or not.

guy who trapped monkey girl said...

Ahhh Paris is a fine brunette with naturally brown eyes. (so I have been told) Maybe if I got contacts and bleach and a sex change I could be... oh yea... I am a bit low on the funds to get to her status. Again... curses my ancestors!!!!

Dave Stratton said...

Apparently a week in Indy gives you plenty of time to think. Spend a month there and you ought to be able to solve this worldwide recession.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous is one lonely fellow full of bitterness. He has lenty of time on his hands to whine and moan, Pagani.

Don't poke the bear.

VG said...

The thing about 'Break a leg' was funny!!!
There was a similar situation with me too.
I am a part of this Theatre festival called Thespo. On our 8th year we had the logo as an 8 with 5 dots on the top(Draw it and it'll resemble a footprint). and that year our slogan was 'Break a leg!'
FFW: Two years down the lane, on the onset of ThespoX, our gangleader (Quasar Padamsee) tore a liagment in is foot. And the T-shirt he was wearing:
Thespo8(with 5 dots)
Break a leg!

This was followed by text messages before shows. One read:
All the best for the play. Go ahead, break a leg..
oops, you alredy did that!

Had I seen this cartoon then, I would have surely chipped in 'break a nose' and hope that you wont come to me with nose-biting lawers!

Pies said...

People are interested in celebrities because they want to have what they have, and do the things they do. They want to learn their secrets. A lot of people, including myself, would like to be rich, pretty, and popular like Paris Hilton.

It's roughly the same mechanism that makes people who like books buy biographies.

Anonymous said...

jeopardy is my favorite quiz show. you are creating nice blog my friend.