Monday, March 2, 2009

Homeland Security












Bizarro has been brang to you today by Hometown News.

Sorry I have been remiss in my posting duties for the past few days, I have been visiting the home front in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Had a ding dang devil of a time getting here, we made the mistake of booking our flight on Delta through Atlanta, something we had sworn we would never do again about five years ago when stranded there for 7 hours. Our flight was late leaving NYC because of weather in Atlanta, but we were assured our connecting flight to the Indian Territory would also be delayed and we would have no trouble making it.

Like the serpent in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they lied. Our flight arrived in Atlanta one hour later than scheduled, our connecting flight to Tulsa actually left five minutes before scheduled. Lo and behold, there were no more flights that night, so we had the pleasure of spending the night at an airport hotel without any luggage. Did Delta pay for this inconvenience? Certainly not. They don't pay for delays caused by weather. How do we know our delay was actually caused by weather and not some ineptitude on their part? They assured us it was so.

Next morning, we arose at dawn to grab an early flight to T-Town, I was scheduled to perform at a fund raiser brunch that very morning. We arrived on time and rushed to the baggage claim area. As the bags began to be shat out of the bowels of the airport, we and our fellow passengers could not help but notice they were accompanied by an unusual amount of moisture. All the bags were soaked through, completely, as though submerged in a tank at Sea World overnight. Nearest anyone could tell, the rocket scientists at Delta's Atlanta baggage handling unit had left our luggage out in the rain all night long.

CHNW and I arrived at the brunch not wearing the clothes we had brought for the occasion, as it was dripping wet, but in the crumbled comfy crap we had worn for the flight. Joy.

Our troubles ended here, fortunately. The fund raiser was wonderful, everyone was nice as cherry pie, the audience was happy and tweaked on mimosas, and the show went great. After, we went to my parents house and dumped all out clothes into the dryer. Thankfully, we didn't have any "dry clean only" clothing in our suitcases or Delta would be buying us some new clothes. (Yes, I'm sure it's real easy file that claim and receive compensation.)

I began the show Saturday morning with the story of my travel woes, accompanied by a huge graphic project on the wall, "DELTA SUCKS!"

Today I visited my old high school and spoke to a few hundred kids in the auditorium. I mostly passed on wisdom such as, "it's true, you will never need algebra," and "the planet will no longer be suitable for human inhabitation in the very near future, so don't worry about those grades." They're good kids and I have no doubt that many will manage to stay out of jail for a good long time.

From there, I swung by my niece's elementary school on the other end of town to tell the first and second grade classes to "just say no to drugs." Many seemed to take my advice to heart, others looked a little too glassy-eyed to understand what I was saying.

I will likely not post again until Thursday morning. Thanks for your readership, see you then.
Reporting live from The Coffee House on Cherry Street, Tulsa, Oklahoma, this is
Danny "Chuckwagon" Piraro

33 comments:

Jeremy said...

Wow, that sucks, I am glad that I am too poor to fly on airplanes.

I flew a few years ago about 1000 miles for training for a new job but I didn't check any baggage, I took it all as carry-on.

If I ever need to go somewhere far away I'll probabaly just drive.

Jezzka said...

now i know what to get you guys for present giving occasions, industrial suitcases made of bicycle helmet material. it's what i've used for eons and i travel a lot, its stylish, durable and very smooth, did i mention it kicks ass? well, it does. i would take it into a war zone with me if i had to.

hideo wakamatsu

much love and safe travels!

lee said...

I found 2 k2s, a stick of dynamite and the alien. Where is the fifth item?

Dave said...

eyeball- in picture frame
I think its time you found a new hobby

Tegin said...
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GuateVegan said...

Do you always travel with your wife? You guys are very lucky to get so much time together. What does she work in?

Chris said...

I feel your pain. I, too, live in Brooklyn and must fly home to Tulsa at least once a year. After so many delays and missed connections (including once when they actually spilled gasoline all over the wing), I've opted for the Continental direct flight from Newark. It's worth the extra hassle of getting over to the Newark Airport.

Speaking of the motherland, did you see this?
http://tinyurl.com/aa7s92

Karlo said...

I am a great admirer of your cartoons of humor

That good is to find your blog

These invited to my blog

Regards from chile
Karlo

Karl said...

I wonder how a disposable clothing store would do near an airport baggage claim area?

patrick said...

When possible, we never check luggage. One time, I had a huge bag that I was going to check, but got to the airport too late to check it. They let me carry it on (pre 9/11), which was lucky, 'cause flying from NYC to LA via Chicago, we got snowed in at Ohare -- I had to sleep on the floor of the airport and I was the only one who had a pillow (my big bag) and a change of clothes. I made it to LA 24 hours late. Now, we travel with these great Osprey Porter 46 bags, which can be carried onto plans and carried enough for a month long trip to Europe for each of the past two summers (if you pack smart). They also have back pack straps, which helps on long trips from train stations to hotels, etc.

Neil J Murphy... said...

Regarding today's (great) cartoon: Is this the same guy who was wondering where his four o'clock was from about two years ago?

julie said...

Delta is the worst of the airlines, hands down. I refuse to fly them anymore...

Hope the rest of your trip is better.

Karl said...

Just thinking that clothing consignment shops might do very well near airport baggage areas. The same stores could offer great deals on slightly used luggage.

doug nicodemus said...

have a fun trip...will we see pictures?

Anonymous said...

O, the stories I could tell about Delta... but I will spare you all but one.

In the van from the SLC airport to a nearby hotel, every passenger was from a Delta flight. The driver said this was not unusual -- that his hotel had 60-70 Delta passengers *every night*, even when no other airline was having problems.

The reason given is always weather.

In my case, I got them to pay for my hotel because my flights were Denver --> SLC --> Reno, and the hangups were in Atlanta. Usually, the driver said, they refused to pay.

Alaska, on the other hand, offers free chips, salsa, and beer or wine on every flight... and actually gets you where you pay them to take you.

Scott said...

Welp, I can tell you that as one of the members of the crowd Saturday your performance was (as the youngsters say)"tight".

My son (bass player in Mr. Kirk's jazz band) said he saw you at BTW and really enjoyed it as well. He also told me he spoke with you about his mom, Karen Boles. He thought it very cool you remembered her. She now lives in Denver, but I'm sure he'll pass along your hello.

Also, we have a copy of your "rock opera" that Karen had. My son and I have challenged ourselves to find it and forward it to you. I'm sure the revival will do great things....

Thanks for your continued support of BTW....it really has made an impact on so many...

Nowax said...

Now that the myth of "deregulation" has been put in its grave, maybe we can get regulations reinstated on the airline industry to clean up their acts. I'm sure they get tax breaks up the wazoo.

If they are FORCED to offer hotel rooms you bet your bippy they'd improve on flight delays.

Beadz3 said...

Delighted to find the blog. Can you do anything about Billy Mays? Loudest human on earth.

Waldo said...

I agree 100% Delta sucks... I was planning on using them to go on my monthly trips from LAX to Idaho. My M.O. is to book the last flight and try for the earlier via standby if all goes smoothly (meetings, traffic, etc) but, alas "my good buddy" Delta Airline does not have standby... They have a marketing name for give me $50 and I will let you go earlier. Yes, for $50 they will allow me to sit on an empty seat and free up another revenue set on a later flight. Thus... it is Horizon Air to Idaho!

Who here knows the definition of a "good buddy"? It is someone who goes out and gets two BJ's and comes back and gives you one.

bbonds44 said...

Dan,

Was this a cartoon idea from the alleged victor. Where he stole your idea from two years ago, then gave it to you and posted it as his own.

Yet Another Steve said...

It's all very well to tell the schoolchildren to say no to drugs, but it sounds like in your haste to deliver that message you overlooked the really essential one: "Delta Sucks!!!"

Yes, it really does. Consistently. And not in a good way.

bbonds44 said...
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Waldo said...
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Yet Another Steve said...
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Jeremy said...
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bbonds44 said...
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bbonds44 said...
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Peter G said...
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bbonds44 said...
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Waldo said...

what... I have been removed????


Oh god no, I am becoming one of you... I need a drink!

Anonymous said...

Damn, it looks like something slightly entertaining might have happened in the comments above before it all got deleted by our resident facist Piraro. Now all we're left with is the dry, dull dreck above it. Crap.

Karl said...

I think, therefore I am

Karl said...

That previous comment(of mine) is irrelevant and adds nothing to this post, so please ignore. I was trying a little experiment to see if I could delete my own comment without success. I think you can delete your own comments when signed in under Google/Blogger identity.