Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My Monsterhood

Bizarro is brought to you today by Live Chick Cam.

When I do jokes about cosmetic surgery, people sometimes assume I am against it. Far from it. I am not only totally in favor of cosmetic surgery, it saved my life.

If you're not familiar with my breathtaking looks, have a glance at the photos at the top of this page. Most people think that nature blessed me with an incredibly fortunate combination of genes, but it is not true. In fact, not unlike Frankenstein's monster, I came into this world as a hideous beast that sent children and adults alike running in terror. As I got older, the problem only got worse. My parents feared I would be doomed to a life of solitude and failure.

Then everything changed one day when I was 17 years old. My mom and I were on our way to the grocery store (I was banned from the store because I made the other customers too sick to buy food, but I enjoyed the ride) when she ran over something that she thought was a dog. Mother screeched to a halt and jumped out of the car, as no one in my family could turn down free meat. But alas, it was not a dog we had hit but a man. A man who was under the car and still alive. A man who was the most gifted plastic surgeon in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

When I leaned down to look under the car all I could see was a dark lumpy shadow pinned beneath the transmission. From the darkness of that twisted shape came the words I will remember for as long as I live, "I can fix that."

One year later, the good doctor was walking with only the aid of a cane and I was a new man. Doors of opportunity that I never dreamed possible with my hideous former face were thrown open like sphincters at a colonoscopy convention. By the time I was 26, I was given a syndication contract for Bizarro based on my looks alone.

The rest is history.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gripping story, I couldn't click the links till I'd finished. Dan is not only a talented cartoonist, but a gifted writer as well!

Derek says said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jeremy said...

Dan,

I gotta say I have been doing a lot of soul searching about what you and Pagani said. I don't think I can believe in a god anymore.

I want to thank you guys for opening my eyes. Such a burden has been lifted off me. I can feel free to be myself.

Thank you guys, I think I am an atheist, but I want to read more about their stance.

I don't know what kind of code of ethics I should take though. Is it just my own decisions I act on?

Karl said...

I didn't want to become involved in a religious debate, because I've already made a remark (which I now regret because it really wasn't my place to do) to Nowax in yesterday's post.

Jeremy, advice;

Just be yourself, as you said and don't worry about "becoming" anything, whether it be an atheist, an agnostic or worshiping turds from the Easter Bunny. I believe you will do just fine on your own. Trust yourself, and good luck my friend.

Karl said...

Dan,

I know this is your personal stuff, and probably want to keep it that way, but I'm really confused about this blog today. I mean that I'm having trouble distinguishing between what is real and what is imaginary (so what else is new for me). Were you really born with some serious physical problems and did your mom really drive over a doctor and was this a joke. Am I very naive, and can I get professional help cheap?

You don't have to give details, but this intrigued me very much. However, I get intrigued very easily, like looking at those spots that are shifting from side to side inside my eyes for instance.

Karl said...

Dammit guys, I just realized it's April Fools Day.

the other guy said...

of course its april fool joke, ces a genius, maybe a penis

PIRARO said...

I'm enjoying the April Fool's comments. I assume this was your intent, Jeremy, very clever. Got a smile out of it.

For reals, though, if you ever want to read about my position, the best book I've ever read on religion and atheism is "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins. I've studied the Bible (from a believer's point of view), it's your turn to study my fave book. :)

derekamalo said...

Thanks dan
Guess i have my own troll...:)

Dean said...

That book Dan recommends is fantastic! And I absolutely agree with Dan on this

FIDO said...

My pepere lost his virginity today!!!

Anonymous said...

Another great book is "The God Gene: How Faith Is Hardwired into Our Genes" by Dean H. Hamer. Since apparently Jeremy thinks his faith is a laughing matter worth no more than a joke, he should give this a try. And I guess there are always indulgences for Fido.

Anonymous said...

Whoa, Jeremy, you really had me fooled for a while! Thank goodness for April Fool's.

Waldo said...

So I guess by being a smart guy that you are... you would know a good doctor if you hit him on the arse?

My book of recommendation: "Tao of Pooh"

Jezzka said...

heehee, poor karl.

well executed sir captain piraro! and first matey jeremy!

ah, good times...

FIDO said...

psyche, my peperes ass still hasnt been plugged.

doug nicodemus said...

you ARE the hardest working blogger in cyberspace kiddo...timely torches and ptichforks comment considering london..hahaha

Fran said...

Seventeen comments, not one mentioning a thing about the comic in this post. Good thing this blog doesn't rely on the daily Bizarro being humorous.

Karl said...

Very funny Fran. I almost laughed my face off (reference to the cartoon).

Karl said...

Very funny cartoon, I laughed my face off.