Saturday, April 25, 2009

Do These Shoes Make My Feet Look Big?

Bizarro is brought to you today by Unlikely Comedians.

At the risk of offending some of my readers, I will confess that I do not believe in "Bigfoot," "Sasquatch," "The Abominable Snowman," etc. There is simply not enough (or any) evidence beyond the personal accounts of woodsy folk tanked up on Bud.

I do not mean to say that I think it is alcohol that makes people see things in the woods, far from it. We all possess this very natural and useful tendency, no inebriation required. All mammals have evolved brains that see something where there is nothing, rather than nothing where there is something. It helps keep us alive. If you mistake a shadow for an intruder, no harm done, better safe than sorry. If you mistake an intruder for a shadow, you less likely to live long enough to reproduce this propensity for poor judgment.

So when we see something move in the wilderness, we have to make it into something. Our brain processes patterns and comes to conclusions, without our even trying. This alone explains the timeless, worldwide phenomenon of people seeing monsters in the woods, lakes, ocean, sky, snow. (It also explains our lust for conspiracy theories and our compulsion to invent gods. If we don't know the answer, we make one up to satisfy our minds. Without these answers, we go nuts. With an explanation, no matter how ridiculous, we are satisfied.)

If you're still not convinced there are no "Bigfoots" (Bigfeet?) ask yourself this: where are the bodies? How does this monkey-bear-human with size 29 shoes manage to hide not only itself and all of its kind from being adequately photographed, but its corpses, skeletons and fossils as well? We've found skeletons from mammoths and dinosaurs, for crying out loud, where are the giant skeleton feet of Bigfoot? And considering how many blood-thirsty apes of the human kind there are running around the wilderness wearing camo and waving guns, how is it none of these large, hirsuit, slow-moving targets have been shot? Hell, our species is infamous for shooting anything that moves and fairly regularly even shoots one another, which is why they wear those lovely orange vestments. So why are there no Bigheads proudly displayed on the walls of the dens of Alabama sportsmen?

Wait...now I'm beginning to see a pattern. Perhaps Bigfoots are smarter than we realize. Perhaps they dress in florescent orange camo, carry guns, drive off-road vehicles with gigantic tires and listen to Kenny Chesney. No wonder we've never photographed or captured one in the wild, they are living among us!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, I canNot Wait to read all the comments (I'm sure there'll be nastly emails too) that this post is definitely gonna cause, Mr. Piraro. ;)

Pretty sure u can handle 'em too, though. TC

ur Fan,
Dee Sh

Karl said...

I’m certainly no expert on bigfoot information, but all the times I’ve heard reported sightings of them, I’ve never once heard anyone mention seeing Bigfoot babies or little Bigfeet. And as far as I know, almost every species on the planet has offspring of some kind or another. Maybe baby Bifoots are extremely shy (like their parents).

Anonymous said...

To quote Pogo "We have seen the enemy and he is us."
Thanks for the laugh.

Marconius E. said...

Your explanation seems to dismiss any possibility that a tribe of bigfeet is simply more intelligent then us. They may be smart enough to remain hidden from drunken hillbillies. Their funeral rites could be so complex as to leave no trace of their remains. And, really, the ultimate proof of their intelligence may very well be that they have chosen to remain hidden in secrecy away from the machinations of humankind :)

Anonymous said...

When I lived in Alabama I knew several people who thought that bigfoot was Cain from the Bible. I always wondered if that was the case how he managed to survive the flood, unless there is something hiding in the Bible writing, Would god really hide anything from us?

Josh said...

Dan, this is off-topic, but I wanted to ask your opinion on a comment that Larry King made a few weeks back. King was on his show speaking with Penn Jillette, Jillette said that he doesn't think the government can solve everry problem or should try to, and that individual thought was more important than a group-think and could accomplish more than a top-down order. King responded, and I quote, "You can be individuals as much as you like; someone's got to think for the masses." Here's the video link that shows the exchange:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FIFSREb0Fk

I think this is an utterly moronic, arrogant statement. What are your thoughts?

isee3dtoo said...

All the Bigfeet moved up to Canada where they don't allow guns!

BTW did you see -- http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/04/21/fbi.domestic.terror.suspect/index.html

Seems that Vegans are making the FBI most wanted listed. I am assuming that Vegans are evolving and will start to commit more crimes over time. :-)

Anonymous said...

Bwuahahahahaaa! Can't say I agree with the logic for proving the point by how we haven't proven the other, but beautiful case none-the-less. I sit more in a 'well, I'll believe it's possible, but you're gonna have to find them before you get me to admit it' boat.

Anonymous said...

well, well, it looks like I've been proved wrong, Mr. Piraro.

I am, however, glad at the people who've shown commitment to logic.
(btw, really? Not a single angry comment?;)

ur Fan,
Dee Sh

Karl said...

isee3dtoo,

I wish it was true that guns weren't allowed in Canada, but unfortunately that just isn't the case. Guns are allowed and are supposed to be registered, however that has turned out to be a joke. And many hand guns(mostly imported illegally from the US) are used in gang killings in major cities.

You got me thinking, so I did a quick search to see how many guns are estimated to be in Canada. Estimates range from a low of 7,000,000 (million) to a high of over 11,000,000 (million) firearms. If that is true then it seems pretty high for a population of just over 30,000,000 (million).

Maybe this explains why we don't hear too many reports of Bigfoot sightings on metropolitan downtown streets. Those elusive creatures, appear only in the woods up here too.

Anonymous said...

all of the bigfoots out there have shaved and become nba stars.

doug nicodemus said...

wow a cartoon that did not make the sjr...that is pretty cool

Anonymous said...

"Not a single angry comment?;)"

In case you hadn't noticed, Dee, Piraro is moderating now and only allows comments he likes. So don't look too hard for a dissenting voice, because you most likely won't find it.

PIRARO said...

Actually, I sort of enjoy this kind of angry comment, but I didn't get any. I haven't rejected any comments from this thread at all.

Christina Awesome said...

interestingly, i thought that you were referencing bestiality. as in...the redneck has sex with some animal (a bear?) and Bigfoot is the result. Haha i was wondering- can he say that?