Saturday, January 3, 2009

Clown Army

Bizarro is brought to you today by Clowns That Kill.

When I was in elementary school in Oklahoma, I played all the sports that were offered. My least favorite was basketball, because we played with an adult-sized ball on and adult-sized court. Most of us couldn't even throw a basketball high enough into the air to hit a backboard, much less accurately enough to get a basket. It would be as if average-sized adults were playing with a ball the size of an airplane tire and the hoop was hanging on the edge of a three-story building. The final scores ended up being more like hockey games than basketball.

A couple of times each year in basketball and other sports, we would play the kids from the local military school. These kids were scary. They were gaunt, tough, bruised, nearly bald, and had the look in their eye of a man on death row who has nothing left to lose. Their gymnasium was cold and dilapidated, and the entire campus was out on the edge of town and felt like you were visiting the set of a teen horror flick. I don't think we ever beat the military school kids at any sport. I remember not wanting to beat them, partly because I felt sorry for them and partly because I didn't want them to tear my head off and spit down my throat.

But the kids from the clown school were easy to beat. They were always tripping over their big, floppy shoes, for one thing, so we had a big advantage right off the bat. In many ways, however, they were even scarier.

7 comments:

Waldo said...

Ah youth sports... I remember vividly (or brain scars?) when I was between 8 and 10 years old I saw on Mister Rodgers (don't ask - pre cable TV) my idol Lynn Swann (WR - Pittsburgh Steelers) was showing Fred his ballet moves. Yes, he did ballet regularly to help his body/spacial/coordination thing. I (white, middle class, midwestern, Protestant, hate to lose, etc..) immediately went to my father and said..." Dad, dad, dad, I want to start to ballet classes..." Hum... how do you think that went? First of all my dad had to swallow his pride because I was idolizing a "non-white" athlete and NOW I want to be gay? No mater how much I explained over, and over, and over, and over that it was to make me a better wide receiver...for football.. to get the girls... I got the "not no, but hell no" reply. An all American family moment!!!!

Yen Verhoeven said...

Ah yes. The traumatizing memories of being a tiny forty pound 4th grader playing dodge ball in PE! Fortunately for me, I grew up watching Saturday afternoon Kung Fu theater and knew that my time would come. One day. Unfortunately, I could not use my secret kung fu techniques on my other, much larger opponents in elementary school. ...something about liability...

Not sure if clowns would be better though. Have you ever seen the movie, Killer Klowns from Outer Space???!!! Aliens. Man eating aliens, I tell you. ALL of them.
>.>

Neil J Murphy... said...

Great comic, too. I especially love the way the clown's shoes are poking out from under the front of his desk.

shipping troll said...

Whenever clowns are mentioned my mind immediately jumps to the movie "It" and Tim Curry as Pennywise the Clown. Freaky !

my verification word is "notterbra"!

Josh said...

The man has a point. Penn Jillette endured the hell of clown college, and he's emerged as one of the toughest hard-asses in the magic business. I'm amazed he was able to survive, personally.

Anonymous said...

Because clown schools are not as tough as military schools. Got it. Cue uproarious laughter.

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