Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Bizarro is brought to you today by Great Band Names.

If I was a shape-shifter, like "Sam" on HBO's Trueblood, I would choose to be a bird every time. Imagine being able to fly under your own power. Holy cow(bird). Of course, I'd want to be a bird with my mind, not a bird's mind. Not because birds don't have good minds (they have perfect minds for life as a bird) but I would want to protect myself from cats, hunters, traffic, the pet trade, all the sort of things birds fall prey to.

But shape-shifters have that ability, at least on Trueblood. They maintain their own consciousness, but take on the shape of a different animal for however long they want, then switch back. So cool.

The only downside to shape-shifting is the nudity. You lose your clothes when you change into another species – you could hardly imagine a pigeon flying around New York City wearing jeans and a hoodie – so when you change back, you're still naked. And you have to be careful where you leave your stuff when you first "shift" because your wallet will still be in your pants or whatever. It would be a drag to come back from your flight to find all of your stuff missing. How do you get back into your house without your keys? Naked people trying to jimmy windows are often frowned upon by neighbors.

Back to the things birds fall prey to, few things break my heart the way the sight of a bird in a cage does. I admire people who rescue parrots from "pet owners" and try to give them the best life possible given that their natural life has been ruined by captivity already, but I am dead set against people who buy birds to keep as pets. If I were a bird, I'd rather be set free than live the rest of my life in someone's kitchen window, regardless of how long I could survive in that environment. I'm always tempted to release birds I see in hotel lobbies and pet stores. Big parrots wouldn't have much of a chance, their wings are typically clipped anyway, but little finches and songbirds would probably be fine just flitting around the city eating what they can. When winter comes, they might not make it, but I can't help but believe that's a better life than prison. Some cities do, in fact, have large populations of escaped birds. Good for them.

Before my animal rights friends come down on me for encouraging behavior that might endanger innocent birds, let me say I'm just thinking out loud. I don't really know what is best for a given species in a given climate. I just know what I'd want. I'd be the Patrick Henry of birds: Give me liberty or give me death. But not in a creepy, backwoods middle America way with stockpiles of guns and a fear of socialized medicine.

I'll post a cartoon contest tomorrow at 6pm NYC time. Watch for it, play it, enjoy it. First person to post the correct answers in the comment section wins!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Zombie Minimum Daily Dietary Requirements

Bizarro is brought to you today by King of the Brain-Eating Zombies.

Followers of this blog may know that I have had a relationship with a teenage boy for a few years now. But before you go "tweeting" that, let me say that this relationship is not illicit, illegal or inappropriate in any way. He's just a funny kid who sends me cartoon ideas from time to time. His name is Victor or Vance or something, I can never remember, and he just started college somewhere on the East Coast. Or maybe Canada.

I've posted about him before and even included some pics of him and his family visiting Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn earlier this year.

That's a long-winded introduction to my next point, which is that Victor suggested to me the idea of a zombie who craved bran instead of brains and I made this cartoon out of it. Thanks, Victor (Vernon?), good luck in school. (Or was it jail?)

In other news, a reader of Bizarro saw this cartoon in the newspaper (an outdated mode of communication from the 1900s which facilitates the dissemination of facts to the public) and sent me the following haiku:

The vegan zombie
Cares not for sweet grey matter
They cry out for "grains"

It's funny because it's true. Or at least I assume it is true. I'm a vegan but not a zombie, so I can only be half sure.

Until each day as though it is your last (but you don't know it is your last, otherwise you might spend all your money, punch your boss in the neck, and admit to your wife that you banged her sister in the pool house at that party that one time.)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Fashion Police Report

Bizarro is brought to you today by Martian smile.

You can tell a lot about a person by the message on their shirt. And that's the point, of course. I don't often wear shirts with pictures or words on them, but I have one that I like that has a cool cartoon image of a robot. It tells people I like cartoon robots.

Other types of shirts say even more about the wearer, however. When you see a guy with a shirt that says "Free Breast Exams," you know he's a virgin and will likely stay that way. For some, of course, a T-shirt just isn't enough to get the point across. On the other hand, a woman wearing a shirt that says, "My Eyes Are Up Here," tells you that she wants to draw attention to her breasts. This sort of shirt is frequently worn by someone who cannot even remember what virgin means.

I have a good friend in NYC who has cerebral palsy and wears a T-shirt with the handicap symbol on it along with the words, "I'm in it for the parking." As you might expect, he has a great sense of humor about his condition.

I love spotting the totally out-of-place shirts. I saw an old black guy in my neighborhood in Brooklyn wearing ratty trousers, beaten up sneakers, a dirty Oakland Raiders windbreaker and a T-shirt that said, "White Goddess." T-shirts are so easy to come by that I have to believe it wasn't the only one he could find.

Some popular shirts have gone through several stages. The "I'm With Stupid" shirt, with an arrow pointing to the person next to you was a huge hit, then shirt printers started moving the arrow. The first sequel I saw had an arrow that pointed up toward the wearer's head, which was quickly trumped by this one. They may have run out of places to point the arrow, but who can say?

There are thousands of T-shirts about being drunk, which I have always found sad somehow. I like to drink, but it isn't a political cause or a religion with me. "I'm not as think as you drunk I am" is still a big seller. As unfortunate at drinking shirts are, they do perform a valuable public service, telling the rest of us to stay away from the wearer unless you're looking for a person with a poor sense of humor and a substance problem.

There are many web pages dedicated to the importance of wearing just the right shirt when you're planning to be arrested. Here are some good examples.

If you are planning to spend some time in a holding cell, this may be a shirt you'll want to avoid.

NOTE: You may notice the dapper gentleman in the background of this cartoon wearing a fashionable Bizarro Alien shirt. Get one here!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Italian Spiderman

This is still one of my favorite film trailers of all time. Italian Spiderman, my hero.

I Be Dazzled

(Want to make something bigger of this drawing, just click it)

Bizarro is brought to you today by the BeDaZzLeR!

As I was sitting in the penthouse suite of Bizarro International Headquarters writing cartoons one day (or, more accurately, trying to come up with a single f-ing idea) I was musing over the classic stranded-on-a-desert-island motif and wondering what would be the absolutely most useless thing that could wash up on such a beach. I hadn't thought of the BDzer in decades, didn't know if they even still made them, but I instantly loved the idea of covering the island with plastic jewels. Voila, a cartoon is born.

So that's the answer to the question that we cartoonists get fairly constantly, "where do you get your ideas?" The answer is "The BeDazzler."

Now that I've divulged the secret, everyone will be doing it.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Old School Thigh Master

Bizarro is brought to you today by Saw VIII: Bleeding From The Ears.

I have to admit I'm really pleased with this joke. It's a simple idea based on an iconic game of childhood innocence and curiosity, but with the addition of a single word becomes dark and disturbing. What more can one ask of a cartoon?

Speaking of dark and disturbing, I turned on TV last night to watch Hardball and Countdown and it happened to be tuned to some show called "Extra" on NBC. Within seconds I could see that it was a faux news show about celebrities, that generation of mutant journalism that I think "Entertainment Tonight" started.

The three, beautiful, twenty-something meat puppets hosting "Extra" were in the middle of a stiffly scripted "disagreement" over something Suzanne Somers uttered about Patrick Swayze's cancer treatment. One marionette thought Suzanne had a right to speak her mind, another thought it was too soon and she should have known better, the third thought she was wrong for saying anything but did the right thing by apologizing. Fascinating.

I know a lot of people watch these shows, you may be among them, and I do not wish to offend anyone kind enough to read this blog. But I can't stand them. I guess my revulsion begins in the premise that a celebrity's routines activities are elevated to the status of "news," and moves on through the mannequin performance of the cue-card-reading models who, by telling you about celebrities, become celebrities themselves. This concept is akin to a librarian becoming as famous as the authors of the books in her care.

Human fascination with celebrity is an interesting subject, the roots of which are deep within our evolution. Chimps have the same impulse within their own groups. In one behavioral study I read about, when given a choice between looking at a picture of a troupe leader or a food reward, they often chose the celebrity photo. How many American's would rather watch "Extra" or "ET" than eat a plate of nachos? Fortunately, as God's anointed species, we are not forced to choose and can simultaneously stuff our faces with Monterey Jack and Jacko. Still, I'd like to put some people in a cage and test this theory.

I'm not completely immune to the charm of celebrities myself, it is programmed into our DNA to a point, but I'm not interested in them enough to read magazines devoted to them or watch news shows about their hourly goings on.

And, for the record, I think Suzanne Somers should have said MORE about Patrick Swayze's treatment! Whatever the hell that means.

Until tomorrow...become a master of your own thighs.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Contest #5 WINNER!!!!

Sorry for the one hour delay in posting the contest, ladies, gentlemen and undecided. As promised, the seventh person to post the correct answers won, and that person comments under the name PEEFY!

This must have been a more difficult puzzle than the last four because it actually took 10 answers to come up with seven correct ones.

Here's the correct list, for those of you keeping score at home:
1. dynamite is colored
2. pocketbook becomes pear
3. cat on pamphlet becomes dog
4. goatee is missing
5. poster cat's eye has moved
6. pencil cup changes from eyeball to square thing
7. pencil becomes carrot
8. tape dispenser has eyeball
9. minute is misspelled
10. dog's arms are missing
11. animal hospital written on door
12. man at window has glasses
13. purse strap is missing
14. arm sticking out of mouth
15. husband becomes hasbeen

A few of my favorite incorrect answers:
Kangaroo's tie is missing
Glenn Beck has lost all sense of reality
Woman's cholesterol is lower

Hope you had fun. 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards will be loaded onto the Pony Express for PEEFY tomorrow!

Bizarro Contest #5


Just like last week, one image is the original cartoon, the warped image has been changed. Your mission, if you wish to go to bed tonight feeling as though your entire day wasn't a futile waste, is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.
2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.
3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion.
4. SEVENTH PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of this post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn.
5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Click on the images to make them bigger and happy puzzling, comrades! And remember, get those dogs, cats and husbands neutered!


That's right, you heard me. Bizarro Contest #5 starts today at 4pm NYC time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


That's right, kittens and bunnies, Bizarro Contest #5 will be posted tomorrow, Sept. 24th, at 4pm NYC time. As usual, one lucky blog reader who posts the correct answers in the comments section will win something they do not currently possess. And isn't that what life is about?

But this week, we're trying something different! Instead of the first person to post the correct answers, I'm going to choose the SEVENTH person. Why? Because it's different and I'm easily bored.

Rules of the contest will be posted with the contest tomorrow, but if you want to get a leg up on how we play the game, read about the previous contest from last week.

May the fuzziest critter win!

Mission Accomplished

Bizarro is brought to you today by Religious Obedience.

Readers of this blog know I'm no fan of religion, especially the big three middle eastern ones: Xtianity, Islam, and Jewishism. Private versions of these don't bother me, but I get nervous around the fundamentalist versions of any of them. I'm not saying I don't like any of the people who practice these things, most everyone I know or am related to is a member of one of the big three, so don't get all "you prejudiced!" on me. And I don't think all religious people are dangerous, far from it. Nor do I think atheists are more likely to be "good" people, although they are certainly not more likely to be "bad" people, as many religious types believe.

I'm just saying that without religion there wouldn't be suicide bombers, stupid or otherwise. Maybe one or two lunatics willing to blow themselves up every century, but nothing like the ample supply the world now enjoys.

Of course, there also wouldn't be jokes that start, "A priest, a rabbi, and an ayatollah walk into a bar..." so maybe the trade off is worth it.

I wasn't sure this cartoon would fly (pun intended) so soon after 9/11, but it published and I didn't hear a peep. The fact that it is making fun of our perceived enemy and not "us" is one likely reason.

Until next time, may the blessings of the magic thing(s) you believe in fill your pockets with good fortune, and may your umbrella be sturdy.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Cowboyz II Men

Bizarro is brought to you today by
Cowboys in Tight Pants.

Many readers under a certain age won't recognize "high noon" as the old west cliche that it is, but I can't do anything about that.

When I was a kid in the late 50s and early 60s, most TV shows, movies and toys aimed at boys were about cowboys and the old west. With the advent of the space race and the cold war came the switch to space shows and toys in the mid-60s. Everything has been sci-fi since then it seems, with a bit of fantasy and superheroes thrown in. I'm not complaining, just observing.

A long-winded way of saying that I still like to do cowboy gags. This shot is of me backstage before hosting a Reubens Awards Show a few years ago. All hat, no cattle.

Homeschool Maelstrom

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments on yesterday's cartoon about homeschooling.

A few notes:
I've never known a homeschooling family, so the post was entirely off the top of my head and intended to be humorous and cynical, not accurate. I threw in some self-deprecating language at the end to that effect for good reason. I'm sure there are plenty of disparate examples of homeschool grads, bad and good, crazy and sane.

I moderate my comments, which means they don't post until I read them and approve or reject them. That explains why none showed up until this morning. Sorry for the delay, but it's the only thing I've found that keeps away the losers who verbally attack the other commenters. I reject almost nothing, except personal attacks that have nothing to do with the blog or cartoons and advertising links.

I actually wish I'd been homeschooled by cool, open-minded parents who dragged me all over the city and countryside to learn about the real world, as one of the commenters described. I went to Catholic school through 7th, then public school, so my degree of social and psychological warp is fairly average.

I don't envy parents trying to find a decent way to educate their kids these days. It's important and difficult. I sent my kids to public magnet schools, which I felt was a good combination of public and private schooling.

Yes, the links in the photos are from Amazing site.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Heroes of Homeschooling

Bizarro is brought to you today by Homeschooling.

I have no doubt that the end of this sentence will get me in trouble with some of my readers, but homeschooling creeps me out. Sure, some homeschooling parents and home schooled children are probably fine. But most of them have to be a shade on the wrong side of psycho.

First, from what I've gathered in the extremely limited exposure I've had to the subject, most parents who choose homeschooling do so because they are religious nuts. That is to say that they don't want ideas outside of their own religion taught to their children. This is the sort of person who looks at their child more as a VCR they are programming than as an organic being with a mind of his own. Good luck with that.

I'm guessing there are also people who do it because they don't think the local schools are providing a good enough education for their kids. Fine, no argument. When my kids were school age, I, too, often suspected that many of their teachers were not all that good. In fact, I knew it. I'm sure that some of them couldn't correctly answer a single question in the first round of Jeopardy!. But I also knew that if I didn't get my kids out of the house for a large part of each day, it was going to end in a murder/suicide of some sort. I figured whatever educational edge the occasional half-ass teacher wasn't providing them, peer pressure and access to recreational drugs would make up for.

Finally, what could better prepare a person for dealing with the cruelty, mediocrity and gang-mentality of a world run by humans than 12 years of public school? When you're not putting up with a dull-witted bully, you're kowtowing to the chowderhead in authority and trying to avoid personal embarrassment by acting like you know what you're doing. Sounds like real life to me.

That's my authoritative, albeit uneducated opinion for today, now read the lengthy comments explaining how wrong I am. :)

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Saturday, September 19, 2009


Bizarro is brought to you today by Marketing.

Whenever I've done satires of the famous "ascent of man" illustration in the past, I've gotten comments or emails from creationists. I'm guessing this one won't elicit the same response, but one never knows. This cartoon isn't about religion or science, of course, it's just a humorous take on a famous graphic.

If you click on the drawing, it will open a larger image of it and you'll be able to see that the first stage is a snowflake. Not that it matters.

Until next time...Enjoy your weekend and tell them that I said you could.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Super Homelife

Bizarro is brought to you today by 3 Wishes.

I know it doesn't seem likely that Superman would just be wearing his costume around the house for no reason, but then again, the guy is from outer space, so who knows what he would do?

I like imagining Superman in middle age. Does he get a paunch and start looking like Homer Simpson in a Superman suit? Sure, he's handy as hell when there's a jar to be opened, but as in any marriage, does he eventually get on Lois's nerves? Does she get sick to death of flying through the air tucked under his arm so they can save money on airfare? Does she keep a little piece of kryptonite hidden in her jewelry box to keep him in line when he gets too uppity?

I'm not up on my Superman factoids enough to know if he even ages. I suspect he doesn't, or if he does it is far slower than do humans. So is it like one of those vampire/human marriages (see HBO's Trueblood) where the woman gets old and haggardly and the man always looks like a stud? How's that going to play out? Inevitably, people are going to think he's kissing his mother on the mouth. Eww.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Contest #4 WINNER!!!!

It took blog reader "Marcello" seven minutes to post the first complete and correct list of differences between the two cartoons in this week's contest, thus navigating the treacherous gauntlet, conquering the labyrinth and snatching the prize from the gnarling mouth of the...I can't think of a graceful way to end this metaphor, so let's just say someone named Marcello won this week's contest.

Below is his/her (one never knows) correct list.

I should mention that there were three other correct entries coming in at under 10 minutes, then dozens more over the next hour or so, continuing on into the wee hours of the morning. Thanks to everyone for playing and for visiting the blog, I hope you'll visit often to partake in the daily shenanigans and monkey shines!

If anyone has any ideas for future contests or ways in which I can make this one more interesting, I'm all ears.

Your pal with so many ears that women gasp and children cry...


Today's contest is harder than ones in previous weeks. I think. I've warped the second image so they can't be overlayed and compared. Read the rules carefully, I'm hoping this one isn't solved within the first 60 seconds after posting, but if it is, so be it.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.
2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.
3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion.
4. First person to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of this post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn.
5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Click the image to make it bigger.
Happy searching to all, and to all a happy search.


Thanks to the many commentators who alerted me to the fact that I typed the wrong date in the previous post (it has since been fixed.) So, yes, there will be a contest today at 6pm, NYC time and no, you won't need a time machine to enter it. : )

See you soon, I hope!!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Bizarro is brought to you today by
Levitating Soldiers.

Had a busy day, didn't get to post until late. There will be a contest tomorrow, Thursday, Sept 17th. I'll post it at 6pm New York City time.

This time it will be a bit different, hopefully not as easy to win with all the techno-trickery that people have used before. We'll see.

Hope to see you then!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

COMEDY SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Sunday, Sept 20, I'll be part of a unique comedy show in NYC featuring cartoonists from the New Yorker magazine and Bill Plympton of animation fame. We'll be doing improv cartooning and stuff (whatever that means) and it promises to be a rare evening of odd entertainment.

Here's the deets:
WITTY CARTOONS FOR SNOBS! Top cartoonists from The New Yorker and other crappier publications battle it out in a no-hold-barred cartoon-off with cartoons based on audience suggestions.

Dan Piraro (Me), Emily Flake (Lulu Eightball & The New Yorker), Drew Dernavich (The New Yorker), Bill Plympton (The Village Voice, Rolling Stone, Academy Award-nominated animations), Paul Noth (The New Yorker, Pale Force), David Sipress (The New Yorker), and hosted by Matthew Diffee (The New Yorker and The Steam Powered Hour).

Also, music by two of the best banjo players on Earth, Noam Pikelny & Tony Trischka.

Sunday, Sept 20, 2009
Doors, 5:30pm, Show 6pm
Union Hall, Brooklyn, NY
$10 cheap!

Tickets here (scroll down to the proper date and the logo below) or at the door if it doesn't sell out. Mention you heard about it on this blog and receive a puzzled look.

Double Stubble

Bizarro is brought to you today by Two for One.

Generally speaking, I try to post these cartoons a week after they appear in papers, and since I'm a bit behind that schedule, I'm posting two today. What good fortune for us all!

In one we have a cat who was mutilated for the purposes of his "owner's" convenience, musing sarcastically about said owner's karmic comeuppance. In the other, we have a moving man transporting all of the worldly possessions of an ascetic monk in a bicycle basket.

Can you tell which cartoon is which?

NOTE: This is not a contest, per se. No winner will be announced, no prizes awarded. Play at your own risk. Injuries or financial loss incurred while reading this blog are not the responsibility of the characters in the cartoons, nor their creator. If you are still reading this far, why not purchase some fine Bizarro products from this website? I don't get paid for writing this blog or posting these cartoons and newspapers are closing right and left. A guy has to make a living or he'll have to quit this line of work and go back to washing cars and selling phony religious artifacts on the side. (Can I interest anyone in a genuine button off of Jimi Hendrix's shirt?)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dancing Mr. Goober

Bizarro is brought to you today by Rock n Roll Icons.

Last week I mentioned that someone wrote to me and said he didn't understand a cartoon of mine and didn't know how I ever got syndicated. This was the gag in question.

I admit that this cartoon is surreal, but that is the intention. You see a street musician setting up with a boombox and a guitar case and you expect him to play guitar. He opens the case and a guitar-shaped man climbs out and starts dancing to the boombox. If I saw this on the streets where I live, I'd laugh.

Come to think of it, this probably is happening in New York City somewhere. There isn't much that's not.

Until tomorrow...a clown you do not know is a disguised stranger.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Believe It or Not

Bizarro is brought to you today by Invisible Superheroes.

Let's talk for a moment about how scary the word "atheist" has become in current-day America. Many people equate the designation "atheist" with epithets like "nazi," "pedophile," "criminal," and "insurance company CEO." As the funky DJ might say, "Let's break it down, now."

Theist: one who believes in god(s).
Polytheist: one who believes in more than one god.
Monotheist: one who believes in only one god.
Atheist: one who does not believe god(s) exist.
Polyunsaturatedtheist: one who believes that god speaks to us through nutrition labels.

Those who fear atheists and atheism are most often living under the assumption that belief in god is what keeps us from running wild in the streets, looting, murdering, raping, and spitting on the sidewalk. This is a common misconception that is easily debunked by leaving one's own bubble and having a peek at history, anthropology, and cultures other than one's own. Shockingly few American fundamentalist Christians realize that if they had been born and raised in India, they'd be just as convinced of the existence of blue elephants and multi-armed banjo players, as they are of a water-walking Jew.

A large percentage of your really heinous crimes have been committed by people who were under the assumption they could hear their god's voice and were following his orders: Son of Sam killer David Berkowitz, Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVey, Osama Bin Laden and all Al Qaeda members including those who took down the World Trade Center, everyone behind the Christian Crusades of the Middle Ages, all KKK members, George W. Bush, Richard Nixon, that guy outside my building with his car stereo cranked up to 140 decibels, the list goes on and on.

Alternately, many law-abiding people who have contributed positively to society have been self-proclaimed atheists: Ron Reagan, David Suzuki, Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, Dave Barry, George Orwell, Ayn Rand, Kurt Vonnegut, Tom Wolfe, Woody Allen, George Carlin, Ricky Gervais, Katharine Hepburn, Charlie Chaplin, Eddie Izzard, Patton Oswalt, John Malkovich, Brad Pitt, Carl Reiner, Gene Wilder, Bruce Lee, Bob Geldof, Albert Camus, Noam Chomsky, Francis Crick, Richard Dawkins, Richard Feynman, Sigmund Freud, Carl Sagan, Albert Einstein and countless others.

Whether you like or dislike the people on this second list, the point is that they are (were) not running rampant in the streets for lack of an invisible superhero in the sky telling them the difference between right and wrong or threatening to smite them if they misbehaved.

Of course, not all of your friends, family and neighbors who do believe in a god are using their faith as a weapon, either. The common sense truth is that people don't need supernatural reasons to be good or bad, just as Sarah Palin does not need to hold a political office to publicly display the thickness of her skull. We all have plenty of reasons of our own for what we do.

Because the "A-word" has become synonymous with evil, as erroneous as that is, many atheists prefer to be called "nontheist." I'm not one to give in to language games to try to change people's attitudes, however. Polite terms for Americans of African descent have gone from "colored" to "black" to "African American" in my lifetime alone, and it hasn't stopped racists from declaring President Obama was born in Kenya.

So call me what you will, but don't expect to see me bombing, stealing, raping, discriminating, or denying people basic rights for lack of, or in the name of, invisible superheroes. And don't bother trying to talk "sense" into me with threats of a pyromaniacal dude in tights carrying a pitchfork. Halloween isn't for several more weeks yet.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Secret No More

Bizarro is brought to you today by Star-Crossed Lovers.

A pun that could have gone into my new Sunday Punnies series, but I like the image enough to use it as a stand-alone joke. What's funnier than a middle-aged man in ladies underwear? Lots of things, I know, but who says this cartoon has to be the funniest thing ever? Check out the size of his package. What the...?

I anguished over how to draw the super villain's lair but I didn't want to clutter the whole thing up with all kinds of machinery and sciency stuff, so I went with a sparse, modern look. I figure his death ray machine is in another room.

Until next time, ...don't forget to tell all your friends to follow me on Twitter. I don't know why, exactly, but do it.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Psycho Analyzes

Bizarro is brought today before your face by Signage Improvement.

I'm not sure why I drew myself as the analyst in this cartoon. I didn't really mean to, it just sort of came out that way in the pencil sketch and got even more so when I inked it.

Perhaps it is what they call a "Freudian slip." Perhaps I have a closeted sheep within me that I am afraid to embrace. Buried deep in the cockles of my being could be mounds of squooshy wool and big floppy ears, yearning to bleat and graze and follow the herd from hill to dale.

Or, maybe I am the wolf, wishing I could break the societal constraints of our culture and run naked in the wild, ripping the throats out of weaker beings.

Perhaps I secretly see myself as the table, patiently waiting in silence to offer a sip of water or a tissue.

Or, I'm just an egomaniac who likes to draw himself. Kind of pathetic.

Until next time...if you want to distract the monkeys, you may have to throw some bananas.


The winner of this week's contest is Joe K. from Illinois. Congrats, Joe, send me your mailing address in a comment (which I won't post) or an email and I'll send you your booty!

It has come to my attention that this contest is too easy. So next week, I'm going to throw a wrench in the works to make it a little tougher for the "flip back and forth between tabs" style competitors. Level the playing field a bit.

Thanks again for playing, a cartoon post follows.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Contest #3

1. This week there are 12 differences in the two cartoons below.

2. First person to post all 12 differences in the comments section of this blog wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed directly to them from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn, NY.

3. Winner must agree to send me a picture of themselves with their winnings. (Hey "Tex", winner of the first contest, where's your pic?)

4. Put your mailing address in with your comment, I won't post it. I won't even keep any address other than the winner's, I'm not into collecting addresses.

5. List of differences must be in English to be eligible.

1. Hurry, all winners so far have been in the first five minutes after posting.
2. Click on the images to make them bigger.
3. Do not circle the differences on your computer screen with a Sharpie. I can't see that.

Good luck, and happy hunting.

Finding the Dumb

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Target Audience.

Recently, I received an email from a disgruntled stranger who accused me of being too surreal and confessed to being dumbfounded as to how I ever got syndicated. This cartoon might have had a similar dumbfounding effect on him.

I can understand being riled enough to write to someone to disagree about philosophy, religion, politics, or ethics. But it never ceases to amaze me when someone writes just to tell me they don't "get" my work. It seems a lot of trouble to go to in order to tell a stranger that you don't understand them.

The internet makes cowards into bullies and losers into mob kingpins. It's a small price to pay, though, for instant research at your fingertips and free porn.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Contest Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Wednesday, Sept 9th, is another Bizarro Contest. This time, I'll be posting it at 6pm, Eastern Time (USA), and once again, the first person with the correct list of differences between the two cartoons will win something dandy. Probably some Bizarro Trading Cards, which you can buy for cheap here, if you don't win or don't want the pressure of competition.

Some things to watch out for that previous contestants have fallen prey to:

1. Note the number of differences you must find. It is not always 10.
2. The "official" differences will not be anything so subtle that you have to wonder if it is one of them. Like slightly lighter type on one cartoon than the other, a darker shadow or a slight highlight. It will be obvious things like an object missing or added.
3. Only persons posting their answers in the comments of the contest post will be eligible. Don't email the answers to me or write them in lipstick on a stripper and have them show up at my door.

Thanks for playing our little game. Good luck to each and every one of you.

Looky Here Now

Bizarro has been made possible today by a grant from the
Institute for Spiritual Omen Authentication.

Perhaps my favorite kind of cartoon is one that looks like one thing but is revealed to be something else when you read the caption. I think this one achieves that kind of surprise, so I'm happy with it.

Below is one of my favorite attempts at that motiff. You have to look at the pic before reading it for it to work. Click to enlarge it for the full effect.

Tomorrow is another contest and I'm changing some of the parameters, so read the next post carefully if you want to compete.

Until next time... When opportunity knocks, look through the peephole first. It could be opportunity is being forced to knock by an armed kidnapper.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Spock Impressionist

(For making it bigger, you can click the image anywhere except on the green culottes.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Inappropriate Hair Gel.

People send me cartoon ideas all of the time and every now and then I'll use one. The most common thing for people to send me is a pun and although obvious puns make me groan as loudly as most, I like the strange ones. But even most of the strange ones are somehow not weighty enough to warrant a cartoon by themselves. So I've decided to start saving the ones I like, or that I can make into something I like, and use them on a semi-regular basis on Sundays under the heading "Sunday Punnies." This is the first one, the second one will appear in papers on October 18th of this year.

Some of the puns will be mine, some will be ones sent in some form by readers or friends. Either way, hope you likey real big.

Until tomorrow...stand tall and proud, unless there is a comfortable chair available.

Friday, September 4, 2009


Bizarro is brought to you today by Creepy Crawlies.

Before the entomology police get onto me, I suspect that preying mantises don't eat their young, only their mate. I don't really know, but then cartoons don't have to be all that accurate. I've always heard that black widow spiders devour their mates, hence the name, and I've heard that preying mantises do this, too. Whether it is true or not, I like the gag.

I'm sure any species that occasionally eats its own young has a good reason, my own father used to threaten it when we pushed him too far, but it does seem rather counterproductive to propagating the species. There was a religion in the United States at one time that forbade sex for any reason, even procreation. (Can't remember the name. Blueballers? Shrivellers?)Their numbers depended entirely on conversions, and it isn't easy to convert someone to a lifestyle that denies sex. The predictable result was that the sect died out completely. All with pained grimaces on their faces, no doubt.

So if there were a species that regularly ate its young, it, too, would have to rely solely on converts. Not a very good evolutionary design for any animal.

I'm off to Philly for my comedy thingy in a couple of hours and may not be able to post over the weekend, but I will be twaddling on Twitter, via cell phone.

Until next time... it is the table without legs that is sturdiest.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Strange Things

I just received an email alerting me that an old animation project I created in 1989 is on YouTube. I'd forgotten all about it, but here it is in all its homemade glory as part of a popular indie TV show of the day in Canada. The show was out of Toronto, as I recall, and dealt with comics and graphic novels and sci-fi stuff. The first part of this segment is about The Watchmen and V for Vendetta, my segment starts at about 3:50 in. Please enjoy.

The first part of my segment, showing me as a 32-year-old pup, was taped on a home video recorder in the Dallas commercial art studio in which I worked at the time. The voices from off camera are my coworkers. The actual animation was all done with hand-made props and pictures in a local cable TV station with my friend, Steve Dirkx, who knew how to do that stuff. I tried to sell this thing but never got anywhere. It's fun to see it again.

Metallic Romance

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Tin Man's Ex-wife.

I'm not entirely sure what the above "Tin Man's Ex-wife" photo-gag is about. It seems like it means something but it is sort of vague. Perhaps when they divorced, like most women in the U.S., she got all of the money and the shirt off his back, which she then made braces out of?

Before you go and write a lot of angry comments about how you (a woman) got ripped off in a divorce by your scheming ex-husband, I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about most of the time. Any divorce lawyer will tell you that women are heavily favored in divorce court, even when they are the cheating, conniving, instigator of trouble in the marriage.I think it's a throwback to old timey times when failed marriage was always the man's fault and women had no other way of supporting themselves.

These days, within my own circle of friends and family, the women have been more likely to cheat, steal, and dissolve the marriage than the men, yet they still come out way ahead in the divorce. That's anecdotal evidence and very unscientific, but it's what I've seen. I suppose the dark side of women's lib is that women now have the ability to act more like men traditionally have. Not that I'm against equal rights, I am not, I just wish divorce courts would catch up to the curve.

What all this has to do with the Tin Man, I'll never know.

P.S. to Jeff, the winner of yesterday's contest: I got your info, your winnings will be on their way shortly! For the rest of you, keep in mind that you can purchase your own Bizarro Trading Cards any time you like off of the Interwebs. They're cheap, fun and just the right size for jamming under your fingernails if you're into that sort of thing.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009



Once again, the contest only took minutes to find a winner. The first poster came in at 12:03, but only listed 10 differences. I made a CAPITALIZED point of saying there were 11 differences this week. Sorry, illibius. (I think I got the spelling wrong on that)

The second poster came in at 12:04 and had 11 items, but one of the changes was missing, filled in by one he seems to have made up: different color door trim. Sorry, Brad, but I'm not sure what you meant by that.

Third poster at 12:04 had only ten. Sorry Vance. Same with fourth poster, Jordan R., who remembered the 11th item necessary, but didn't post it until 12:24. Bummer.

The winner was the fifth person to post, coming in at 12:05, a person by the name of Jeff.

Here is his list, all eleven, all correct:
Richard Simmons, Elf on the hood, She has a beard, Phone number change, "Accidendt"spelled without an "I", upsidedown bird looking the other way, "K2" reversed order, she is now wearing a shoe, Car door has a button lock by the window, hand is bigger, monster on the window.

Thanks a bajillion for playing our game, I hope that everyone had fun and there were minimal casualties. Look for another contest next Wednesday, unless I don't announce it.

Jeff, contact me through the blog comments and let me know how to get hold of you. I won't publish your contact info.

Until tomorrow – it is the water part of the waterfall that makes it so noisy...

Bizarro Contest #2

(Click on the images to enlarge.)

Contest Rules:
1. First person to post the ELEVEN DIFFERENCES between these two cartoons in the COMMENTS SECTION OF THIS POST wins.

2. Winner gets five packs of Bizarro Trading Cards. A $10 value. No cash, just the cards.

3. DO NOT add your contact info to your entry. I'll get that from you if you win.

4.Winner must agree to send me a pic of themself with their winnings to post on this blog. Wear a mask if you don't want to be mobbed by autograph hounds next time you leave the house. You can attach any name to your pic, real or fictitious.

5. Winning this contest DOES NOT mean you are welcome in my home, nor that you will be able to parlay it into your own sit-com.

6. I am not responsible for any injuries you may receive either from competing or handling the trading cards if you win.

7. This one is way harder than the first one, so don't get all whiny on me. You can always buy some trading cards from my website, they're pretty cheap.

8. In future contests, there will be different prizes other than trading cards, but for now, I need to get rid of some trading cards.

Good luck, gladiators!

Stupid Dead Guy Sees Old Friend

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Middle of Nowhere.

As I point my face at today's cartoon, I notice that while both guys have halos, only one has wings. I submit my cartoons five or six weeks ahead of publishing (the lead time is required, I'm not that far ahead of deadline) so this was drawn almost two months ago and I can't remember if it was intentional, or just a brain fart.

I might have done it to show that he was new to Heaven, whereas the other guy had been there a while. Or, I might have just been drawing on autopilot and zoned out.

Does anyone really care?

I can't say I do.

More importantly, I just finished the puzzle for today's Bizarro Contest #2, and will post it in about one hour from now...12 noon Brooklyn time. Unless I forget. It's a bit more difficult than last week's, the maiden voyage of the Bizarro Contest, so get ready for it. Oil your brain, put in some eye drops, have a double espresso and get Nana out of the storage shed. This contest is fun for the entire family. (Except Uncle Jimmy, who's still pissed off about the elections.)

Until noon, your eyes are like hollow orbs of lubricated meat...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


The contest last week was such an overwhelming success that I've decided to do it again this week. As promised, I will now tell you exactly when the contest images will be posted so that you can get a jump on the competition, if that's your thing.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, Sept 2nd, 12noon Eastern Time, right here.

As with last week, I'll post two images. Your mission is to correctly identify the ten differences in the cartoons and post your answers in the comments section of the contest blog posting. The first person to post the correct list, will win 5 PACKS OF BIZARRO TRADING CARDS!!!! (A $10 retail value.)

Last week's winner already has the full set, so he's not eligible to win. (Sorry, Tex) I'll post the winning comment on the blog as soon as I determine the winner, the jillions of other identical lists in the comments section that didn't win won't get posted because it's just boring for everyone to read. Do NOT post your contact info with your submission, wait until I've announced you as the winner to get me your contact info.

I think that's everything. Good luck and happy something-or-other...