Fashion Police Report

Bizarro is brought to you today by Martian smile.

You can tell a lot about a person by the message on their shirt. And that's the point, of course. I don't often wear shirts with pictures or words on them, but I have one that I like that has a cool cartoon image of a robot. It tells people I like cartoon robots.

Other types of shirts say even more about the wearer, however. When you see a guy with a shirt that says "Free Breast Exams," you know he's a virgin and will likely stay that way. For some, of course, a T-shirt just isn't enough to get the point across. On the other hand, a woman wearing a shirt that says, "My Eyes Are Up Here," tells you that she wants to draw attention to her breasts. This sort of shirt is frequently worn by someone who cannot even remember what virgin means.

I have a good friend in NYC who has cerebral palsy and wears a T-shirt with the handicap symbol on it along with the words, "I'm in it for the parking." As you might expect, he has a great sense of humor about his condition.

I love spotting the totally out-of-place shirts. I saw an old black guy in my neighborhood in Brooklyn wearing ratty trousers, beaten up sneakers, a dirty Oakland Raiders windbreaker and a T-shirt that said, "White Goddess." T-shirts are so easy to come by that I have to believe it wasn't the only one he could find.

Some popular shirts have gone through several stages. The "I'm With Stupid" shirt, with an arrow pointing to the person next to you was a huge hit, then shirt printers started moving the arrow. The first sequel I saw had an arrow that pointed up toward the wearer's head, which was quickly trumped by this one. They may have run out of places to point the arrow, but who can say?

There are thousands of T-shirts about being drunk, which I have always found sad somehow. I like to drink, but it isn't a political cause or a religion with me. "I'm not as think as you drunk I am" is still a big seller. As unfortunate at drinking shirts are, they do perform a valuable public service, telling the rest of us to stay away from the wearer unless you're looking for a person with a poor sense of humor and a substance problem.

There are many web pages dedicated to the importance of wearing just the right shirt when you're planning to be arrested. Here are some good examples.

If you are planning to spend some time in a holding cell, this may be a shirt you'll want to avoid.

NOTE: You may notice the dapper gentleman in the background of this cartoon wearing a fashionable Bizarro Alien shirt. Get one here!