Take A Lap, Maggot!

Today's Bizarro brought to you by tiny, creeping gnomes with lumpy hats.

What is a "life coach"? Do I need one? Will he be an overweight jackass with a bad haircut who makes me run laps when I talk back? And more importantly, if I don't have a good life coach, might I lose? How much time do I have to get ready for the playoffs?

I've never been arrested and hope to keep that streak going for a long time, but if ever I am, I hope I can remember to say this line.